Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Under scrutiny

I can’t thank Lady Pandora enough for the time she gave me recently when I saw for my first mentoring session. It was a liberating, if sometimes humbling, experience to be able to talk openly about things I’ve never spoken about with anyone else.
Humbling, because it made me ever more aware of my shortcomings in the DD side of my relationship with Mistress. It’s strange, you know the issues but you tend to tuck them away and try to ignore them - but it’s only when someone confronts you about them and you are encouraged to explain them that you realise the hurt I’ve caused.
The punishment session was an intense experience and it was only through Lady Pandora’s care and encouragement that I was able to get through it.
I don’t recall any punishment I’ve had that was so painful and, as I said before, I’d have stopped Mistress at the first six if I’d been at home. That was one of the issues in our DD – Mistress lacked the experience to know how to handle such situations and would stop a punishment if I made too much fuss, thus damaging her confidence.
Stopping wasn’t an option with Lady Pandora and she certainly never once let up in the application of the cane, but she did encourage me to breath properly to retain control, soak up the pain and think about why I was over her bench.
Despite the pain the punishment was exactly what was needed: one, to indulge in that need, but two, it felt very, very real and pushed me way beyond what I thought possible.
I think the thing that carried me through was total trust Lady Pandora. I knew that no matter how hard the strokes were, there was no chance of her causing me any lasting damage. With that knowledge I was able to focus on the punishment itself and despite the intense pain it was the kind of punishment I knew I needed to experience, where every stroke tested my resolve. 
The weirdest experience was a feeling of disappointment when the final six strokes with the Judicial cane were over. Even though they were the hardest, most horrible cane strokes I can ever remember experiencing, I wanted more.
I later asked Lady Pandora about that and she said: “You wanted more because your body was craving more endorphins: to get them, you need to receive more pain, if that makes sense?  This is why it is so vitally important that you are careful with whom you ‘play’ at that level - you need to be certain the Disciplinarian can tell when you are spacing and will stop rather than just carry on.”  
Post punishment I felt much more relaxed – de-stressed – than I felt before. I didn’t feel that urge to dress up, surf the net or relieve myself. But Mistress wasn’t convinced it had much effect on my attitude.
 The one thing I was grappling with before seeing Lady Pandora was whether I wanted to indulge in CP to fulfill my need or whether I was being punished for the issues I’ve caused in our DD.
 I think seeing her proved it was a bit of both. Yes, I had a need for CP – the frustrations had built over a period of weeks - but without real faults for atone for, the CP would have been meaningless. When Lady Pandora interspersed cane strokes with a reminder of the issues I’d caused at home, it gave legitimacy to the punishment. I think that’s made it ‘real’.
Mistress rang me for a brief chat in the afternoon after my punishment session to find out how I got on and I explained briefly that Lady Pandora said I needed to do a lot of work to get our DD relationship back on track. She laughed and said ‘that won’t happen…’
 As I was away overnight on business, we text each other in the evening about bits and bobs and I replied ‘Yes Mistress’  - when we were alone. I was required to call her Mistress all the time at the height of our DD. On this occasion she laughed replied ‘You won’t keep that up for long.’
Once home later the next day I had to present my bottom to Mistress for inspection. She was really impressed with Lady Pandora’s accuracy and the thick welts across my bottom..
 ‘Oh well, you won’t be making the effort to go back to seeing her will you…?’
 ‘I don’t think that’s my choice from now on,’ I replied.
“Good, that’s what I wanted to hear,’ she said, and then added: ‘You know what you have to do this morning?’
 I said, ‘no Mistress.’
 ‘You have to clean the toilet today. And you will meet me at 10.30 in town for coffee. Don’t be late.’
Mistress went off very early to meet a friend for breakfast. Needless to say, I met her on time as instructed.
The first question when we met up was: ‘Did you clean the toilet before you came out?’
‘I was going to do it this afternoon after gym.’
‘No, when I tell you to do something I expect it done straightaway, not when you feel like it. It seems you learned nothing at Lady Pandora’s yesterday.’
That afternoon the toilet was cleaned. Then I emailed Lady Pandora firstly to thank her for dealing with me and secondly to relate Mistress’ initial reaction.
She wasn’t too impressed with some of the things I told her and said: “If you truly want Mistress to resume the DD part with you, then you will need to understand that she will doubt and test you for quite some time.  You also have to convince her that you are willing to change and that you are sincere.  Leaving the loo cleaning until after the gym is not the way to convince her that a DD element to your relationship is worth her while pursuing - you have, after all, let her down often.
“You need to prove your commitment and your worthiness over a prolonged period of time; think of this as your very last chance (which it is) and start proving to both Mistress and me that you really want this.”
But she added: “You should find that your 'interest' vastly reduces for a while.  As time goes on, you will find you are spending longer dressing, going online, etc.  When this becomes obsessive, it is time for another session.  You do need to keep this to about every three months - or longer if you want to.  You definitely have a need for CP as well as a desire for DD (I won't say a need at this point) and you will have to address your need in order to retain the status quo. 
 “I am here any time that you want to talk or discuss anything and my offer to help Mistress stands too.
“Keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on, but be prepared for me to be honest with you if I feel you have slipped in any way. And if there’s no improvement at all, those 54 cane strokes you felt today will next time come from the Judicial cane.”
Despite that harrowing thought, only two weeks have passed since my appointment and already I’ve had to email Lady Pandora with an update.
Mistress and I spent some time discussing DD and she is now of the opinion things on that front have run their course because she says that when I go for punishment and come back as if nothing has happened. I still question her, argue with her and show no signs of given up control.
She says they only noticeable difference in my behaviour is that I'm a bit subdued for a few days and a bit less stressed but otherwise nothing changes.
Her opinion is that I should continue to see Lady Pandora as and when the need arises. She is of the opinion there is a need there and it's important for it to be dealt with.
However she's no longer too keen on the idea of DD, which I found really disappointing.
I know it was my stupid fault it all fell apart  but I was hoping that  being mentored by someone as experienced as Lady Pandora would benefit the both of us and, even if Mistress didn’t deal with the actual corrective process,  it would work well enough if she reclaimed her old authority.
I think DD added a buzz to our relationship - which Mistress agrees with - but is that the wrong reason to want to pick up our old ways?  I also like her authoritative attitude and I enjoy submitting to her but as I said to her, I worry about the submission and the giving up of control will affect my own self confidence.
I wonder if I’m just panicking and need to give this more time or is she right and DD is played out and I should accept that.
Lady Pandora told me it would take time and I was prepared for that but I wasn't quite prepared for quite such a rejection from 'Mistress'.
The other thing I've noticed is this time the post-punishment effect of diminished interest in the subject and the dressing up, and relief from both, has not been as marked as in the past. In fact hardly at all.
I’m wondering if this could be something to do with  the fact that I'm overly keen of getting things sorted in a positive way and that's fuelling my interests?

1 comment:

  1. Going off to a professional was always going to be a problem when you got back home. Two Mistresses don't work.