My first appointment with my Lady mentor is 11.00am tomorrow. I’ve been trying to come up with excuses to email her to explain why I won’t be going. But I realise I’ve no option but to go.
To not bother now would be to let her down when she’s reserved time for me. I’d also be letting Mistress down and it would be against the entire premise of the appointment.
I am really worried about the visit, not so much the likelihood of corporal punishment - though that's fearful enough - but the fact that there is likely to be quite an intensive ‘discussion’ and I’m sure how I’ll cope with that.
I’m not one for ‘opening up’ and bearing my soul - not face to face anyway - but I don’t think I’ll have any choice in what could become a very humbling experience.
My on line friend ‘J’ and I both have similar interests in CP and email each other about our experiences. As I said to him (and eluded to in my previous post), given my fascination with CP from an early age, my issue is whether I really do want to play what I think is a naturally submissive role to my partner and accept her discipline as a real element in our relationship or, whether I use my natural faults of being a bit lazy, a bit argumentative, a bit overbearing and enjoying dressing up in pvc, as an excuse to indulge in CP games.
I've asked myself this question over and over and I'm not sure. Mistress and I have discussed it many times with no conclusion. I think it's a bit of both. I really do feel something special for Mistress when she's in control and I like to submit to her rules……but I just can't let myself go and give 100% 24/7 in that role.
If it is the former then obviously it makes sense to reach a point where Mistress and I are both happy to restore our old domestic discipline regime - or Mistress is happy for my to continue to be dealt with by a third party. Those appointments would then be driven by her and the disciplinarian. If it's the latter, and it's purely to indulge in CP, then I can continue to see someone for regular 'role play' style appointments.
Mistress is happy to accept however it turns out but if it's the former she's told me to be aware I'll have a set of strict rules to live by again – and I’d have to accept I no longer had any control.
The most important factor in all this is that I've agreed with Mistress and the Lady disciplinarian that whatever decision is reached on Monday I have to abide by it.
If she says I must report to her on a regular basis for mentoring, I have to do it. If she says I must ask Mistress to resume DD, I have to live by that too. If she says I'm purely indulging myself then I can do that too if Mistress agrees. The important thing is that I do genuinely trust the Lady in question to get to the bottom of the whole matter (sorry about the pun) and give me some direction! Whether I like the direction or not I have to accept it.
Having written all this, it's made me realise what I'm getting myself into and I’m only a few hours away from standing there, trembling in front of the most authoritative Lady I know.
I know only too well how strict the Lady can be and how severe her punishments are but I also know that the worst experience will be standing there being interrogated. I think tomorrow is going to be quite a humbling experience having to bare my soul - as well, probably, as my bottom.