Friday, 16 June 2017

Hello again

I don’t know ‘why now’ but I felt like I needed to write a blog post. I read a newsletter from a professional disciplinarian Lady I know and she mentioned my blog so I guess that was the trigger.

It’s been a long time and a lot has happened in our DD relationship. It’s not over, but it’s been on hold, but we both feel it’s time to start focussing on it again – but possibly in a very different way.

I just looked back and the last post I wrote was November 25, 2015. Phew. Time flies.  So I figured I catch up on what’s happened – or not, in our case.

I’ve documented my on-off approach to DD in the past. Well, Mistress – who only agreed to DD at my request - finally had enough and said she no longer wanted the stress of trying to deal with me. 

This was around the time of that Court visit I was meant to have made. If you recall, we then discussed the idea of a mentor. So I contacted a Lady (the one with the newsletter I mentioned) I knew from my past life before Mistress who had experience in mentoring, explained the situation and she agreed to help. We talked on the phone and then arranged a conference call with Mistress, myself and the Lady. 

It was a pretty humbling experience having two women, one very authoritative, discussing my shortcomings, my failings and how best to deal with me. But rather than her mentor me straight away, she suggested ideas and left it with us to see if we could progress things ourselves.

Weeks went by and nothing happened and the idea was forgotten.

Meantime I’d joined a male corporal punishment forum – purely out of my interest in the subject and talked to several Masters as well as ‘boys’.  I find the discussion incredibly fascinating whether it’s recalling old schooldays and/or home punishments, or discussing discipline for adult ‘boys’. Some of it, as you can imagine, is pure fantasy, but on balance I find it good to talk to like-minded people and have learned so much about CP history.

When Mistress and I discussed our situation again, I mentioned the Masters I’d ‘chatted’ with and Mistress said, ‘well, find one to mentor you and book an appointment to see him.”

I wasn’t sure  but after talking it over a couple of times with her, we agreed it had to be done. For some bizarre reason Mistress and I never discussed going back to the Lady to see if we could pursue that. I honestly think by then both of us just needed to clear the air.

My Master came highly recommended as a very strict disciplinarian by three different ‘boys’. The tales they regaled actually scared me because he sounds almost too strict - so I was in two minds whether to approach him. But when I discussed it with Mistress she said it was what I needed and insisted so I made contact, explaining our situation.

He was very understanding but clearly a stickler for protocol which frightened and impressed me. With Mistress reviewing my report to him, I had no choice but to reveal every detail about why Mistress thought I needed punishment, my refusal to accept her punishments, and my playing up to avoid taking a full punishment.

He responded by accepting me as a ‘case’ warning me in no uncertain manner that once I was under his control and in his punishment room, I’d accept any allotted punishment, no matter how much fuss I created, or how long it took to complete the tariff. 

That scared me but also made me realise it was what was needed. And when Mistress saw his email she became ever more insistent I book an appointment.

Then came the real shocker. When my appointment arrived via email there was an itemized list of all the faults he felt I should be punished for, with a punishment tariff against each. It came to 80 strokes!
I told Mistress there was no way I could go through with it but she simply said. “You are going. We both agreed you would see a mentor and that’s what you are going to do.”

Never had she been so determined or authoritative. She even wrote a letter for me to hand to my Master on arrival. She didn’t allow me to read it but said it detailed my shortcomings.

It was a long drive (nearly four hours) and all the way there I kept thinking of turning around. I had that option. Mistress would be annoyed but there would be no sanctions. But something kept me from doing that.

When I finally arrived early I had to sit in the car contemplating whether I should just go home. I felt physically sick and my heart was racing. It was genuine fear.

This was probably the most intense dose of reality I’d ever had facing a caning. I was genuinely worried whether I would survive 80 strokes of the cane, given that the three people I’d spoken to had told me how severely he caned.

Somehow, I found myself knocking on his door and seconds later was under his spell. There was no turning back.

There was a table in the middle of the room with a cushion on it. On top of the cushion was a straight, thick black-handled Dragon cane. He ordered me to strip naked and I stood there to attention, still feeling nauseous but now thoroughly humiliated.

He lectured me on why I was there, what was going to happen to me today. What was going to happen in future. The smartly dressed, immaculately manicured gentleman was one of those people whose poise alone exudes authority. His lectures were delivered as slowly and deliberately as a stern Headmaster lecturing a boy. It was so real, I began thinking of my faults and became quite emotional. I wasn’t moved to tears, but wasn’t far off it.  I really didn’t expect it to be so intense.

And while I knew the caning would be severe, I had no idea just how severe until the first stroke. Oh my god. If you’ve been caned hard you know you don’t feel the real pain until the second stroke. This first stroke was as hard as the hardest cane stroke I could imagine I’d ever had from Mistress. And it got worse!

I was caned in batches or 10, 12 or 20 - unrestrained. The number was relative to the crime I was being punished for. Twenty was for showing a lack of respect which he said was the worst possible crime I could commit.

Two things happened. Firstly, the lectures continued to hit me hard emotionally. My shortcomings were made clear and I was made to realise the effect of them on Mistress. Too often I’d not considered that!
Secondly I took every stroke stoically and without moving, despite the severe pain of every single stroke. Considering the fuss I’ve made with Mistress caning me, I’m at a loss to explain my stoicism, except that this felt like a very different scenario than at home. There was no close relationship to fall back on. This was very real.  The Master had full control.

I had thick black and purple lines across my bottom. I know this because prior to my final batch my Master said that my bottom was quite ‘damaged’ and I should go and clean myself up. I went to the bathroom and winced at the bloody mess when I looked in the mirror. I bathed it clean, towled myself and went back to the punishment room.

He said that as I’d seen the damage I could now make a decision whether to take the final strokes, or hold them over to my next visit. I opted to take them, a decision he seemed very pleased with. Those last strokes were the worst.

I got another lecture at the end, enforcing the fact that was only the very start of my retraining. Somehow, despite everything that had happened in the previous half an hour, and despite my bottom being a sore, bruised mess, I knew that this was had been a positive experience and Mistress and I could move on from it.

Mistress said she immediately noted a change in my attitude over the next week and said that she wanted me to continued seeing my new mentor. The grazing took two full weeks to heal.

Each week I’ve been required to update my Master on progress, detailing any faults Mistress  thought deserving of his attention. Another appointment was arranged but I failed to keep it due to work commitments. And another. The issue being fitting in a full day to make the visit.

Then I suffered an injury that has kept me off work for almost two months and Mistress has been looking after me rather than me doing chores for her!

However, that doesn’t mean our DD has been forgotten. And as I’ve been recovering Mistress and I have began discussing what’s going to happen when I am fit enough to resume my chores and we can get back to DD.

She’s made it clear she prefers a third party to deal with my discipline. She says it’s until I’m fully retrained to the point I accept her authority without question. I think it unlikely she’ll wield a cane in anger again. I’ve nothing to base that on, just gut feeling. But I also have a gut feeling she really enjoys the power she has over me to insist I’m disciplined by a third party.

We both realised the difficulty of fitting in a full day on a regular (monthly) to visit my mentor when I also have a very busy day job. We’ve not ruled him out – far from it - but we’ve discussed approaching our original Lady to see if she’ll mentor me. She’s only two hours away so it could be an evening visit. It makes sense because that would allow regular appointments. The one important thing is that there has to be serious commitment from both sides for the mentoring process to have any real effect.

The other discussion that’s cropped up on reading this Lady’s regular newsletter is me questioning whether I really want a DD lifestyle.

She said, ‘it’s sometimes difficult to tell whether one is actually a lifestyler who really wants to serve and accept everything that goes with it. Or whether one just need a regular thrashing with a bit of DD thrown in – so to speak.’

The comments could easily have been aimed at me and something that’s bugged me a long time before reading the newsletter. Mistress says it’s the latter. I want to believe it’s the former. But I’m not so sure. 

And I know some of my past readers here are convinced it’s the latter. Looking at my track record to date, I’d have to agree.


Mistress and I have decided the only way to discover the truth is by me being mentored on a regular basis by someone who really explores my inner-most feelings and sets the bar very high when it comes to challenging those feelings.

2 comments:

  1. What a long time between posts! But very arousing to read of your on/off will he/won't he ,take the easier route/go the whole hog and then the real severity of your beating. I envy you everything , your humiliation,your fear,your resolution,your pain.

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  2. welcome home, glad you are back :-)

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