Thanks to the people who have welcomed me back. I’d just like to apologise for failing to maintain the blog for so long.
After posting yesterday and then catching on the blogs I follow, I came across a post on I’m Hers, written by a sub hubby that closely mirrored my own post.
He said: “My primary tenet was that submission really is about following orders and following the path the dominant partner takes in the relationship. Submission is about pleasing her even if it means sometimes – or maybe often – the submissive doesn’t derive pleasure from the choices she makes.”
He explained that his wife is the one who dictates responsibilities, determines what she expects from him etc, in a relationship primarily based on love.
“I have never doubted Katie’s love for me, or my love for her even though I may not have agreed with every choice she has made as my dominant,” he says.
But then admits that while he tries to follow the mantra of Lady Grey (who pens the excellent ‘Woman in Control’ blog – and has more than once rightfully berated me for my lack of commitment to my DD relationship with Mistress) which is ‘do what you are told,’ he is, like me, “not the most compliant of sub missives.”
His big issue is his strong will that he says has never been broken by his wife. I too am strong willed and have gone through the same thought processes as him in wanting to be broken by Mistress (my loving partner of over 10 years).
Even though it was me who instigated the DD side of our relationship, we’ve gone through all ten years of me fighting Mistress’ authority – trying to get her to dominate me as I fantasize, rather than leave her to take control as she sees fit. It was only when she decided to give up on her role that I realised I should have just surrendered to her will.
Mistress is quite a dominant personality by nature, but had no experience of applying that dominance to a DD lifestyle. We were both learning as we went along and made many mistakes – but the worst thing was me questioning her and that knocked her confidence. And there was no question of her going to the lengths I’d hoped to break me, as it were.
The issue was that the problems of the DD side of our relations, naturally began to affect our overall relationship so we both agreed to a time out on DD.
He admits in his post, “Katie has never really broken my will and (in my opinion) it needs to be broken. I know that I will be a better husband if she helps me get to that point. What I doubt is Katie's understanding of how breaking my will will enable me to be a better, more loving, and more serving husband and submissive.”
I think the only way to achieve that is by the dominant partner becoming, not only very assertive, but also putting in place some very severe sanctions if the sub does not respond. The problem, as we’ve found, is that implementing them only works if the sub is complaint.
What happened in our case was that when I complained I couldn’t do the chores because I was so tired after work, or I was feeling unwell to be punished, or the punishment she was handing out was too much to bear, Mistress had too much love in her for me and not enough dominance to carry on regardless. Her compassion wasn’t at fault. It was my lack of compliance that was.
He states: “I like things done my way. When she makes decision that align with my thinking, things go well. It’s when she has a different view that I naturally want to confront and ask why. I’m not so stupid to disobey and violate house rule #1 (always obey Mistress), but my heart hasn’t submitted. Many times I will do things begrudgingly and not truly submitting or embracing her leadership.”
I’m worse, I have broken our house rule, which, ironically are the same as theirs: ‘Always obey Mistress’.
He adds: “The trouble with my attitude over the years is: I wonder if I have indeed hindered Katie’s development as a mistress?”
I know I’ve affected my good Lady’s development as Mistress. But at least we’ve both agreed DD is not over in our home, merely on hold, because after some frank discussions, as I said in my previous post, Mistress decided I needed mentoring by a third party, someone with much more experience and understanding of DD than either of us and who Mistress can work with to ‘retrain’ me and make me more malleable to her authority. In other words, someone who is prepared to break me, and someone I cannot argue with!
And I concur with what he wrote in his conclusion: “My will needs breaking but that doesn’t mean she needs me to be some spineless husband who no longer expresses his own thoughts. Rather, I know I need to be broken because of the long-term benefit of our relationship.”
I think it’s absolutely vital that we both continue to express our own thoughts, and maintain the respect we have for each other. It’s just that for DD to work, I need to become more compliant and like he says in I’m Hers, my natural will to control has to be broken for our DD to become the successful side of our relationship we both know it has the potential to be.
The Lady we are hoping who can help us is an incredibly strict disciplinarian who is not to be toyed with, but is also a trained counselor so we’re both hopeful of getting me back on track so Mistress can once again take up the dominant role she actually quite enjoys.