Friday, 19 September 2014

Pledge submission

In bed one evening earlier this week Mistress brought up the subject of our ever-faltering DD regime.
“I think we need to address your lack of discipline,” she announced as we snuggled up together.

“What have I done wrong now,” I asked as casually as I could as my heartbeat went wild, in shock from the sudden switch to DD discussion.

“I’m getting a bit fed up with your arrogant attitude,” came the rather curt response.

“Well you have the solution, ‘Mistress’,” I offered. “I thought we agreed that you have the right to punish me as and when you see fit.”

I put emphasis on the word Mistress when I obviously didn’t need to. It sounded sarcastic.

“I’d be careful how you talk to me,” she said. “We did agree that, but each time I try to implement our agreement, you come up with excuses.”

That’s not fair,” I protested. “I’ve had a bad back but I told you when I was all clear from seeing the physiotherapist. I was almost expecting discipline to return straight away – especially after our little argument last weekend - but I didn’t want to ‘top from the bottom, by requesting it!”

I knew I wasn’t dealing with this sudden change in Mistress’ mood too well.

“You are always making excuses. And when I do punish you, all I get is your whimpering and begging for me to stop. You know how that affects me and I think you use it to get off lightly.”

“Ignore it,” I suggested, adopting a rather curt response.

Mistress however was calmness personified – while obviously in a determined mood. “Well I’m fed up with your attitude towards discipline,” she said. “So this is what I propose: You are going to prepare a document in which you pledge to accept my punishment without question and sign to the effect that no matter how much you moan and beg, you agree to accept the punishment if full. And state that the only escape from punishment is on medical grounds. Is that clear?”

That took me aback. I lie there for a while contemplating what she had said but then began to try and understand the significance of the document Mistress was requiring.

“What you say is perfectly clear Mistress and I want to be a well behaved submissive – but why do you think this pledge will work where other agreements and rules have failed? What happens if, as in the past, I refuse punishment or start begging?”

“I shall keep a signed copy of the pledge and, if you refuse my instructions, I will order you to read it and then you comply with it.”

“But I could still refuse to comply? What’s different?”

“What’s different boy,” she said with blood-curdling emphasis on the word ‘boy’, “is that I am no longer prepared to back down.”

I quailed at the level of venom in that one statement. She never spoke with such authority.
I meekly responded: “Can I ask what has made you take this view now?”

“Your arrogance,’ came the swift reply. “That’s the only word for the way you behave.  I can see a gradual change in your attitude every time I am lenient with you. After you are punished you are very servile. It lasts a short time before you start reverting to your normal self and then you quickly become selfish and opinionated again. You totally ignore my needs and our rules. It’s all about you isn’t it? So the only word to describe your attitude is arrogance.”

And she wasn’t finished. “Sometimes it’s weeks before you lapse, but more often that not it is only days. And I’ve reached a point where I can see that while you may be a grown man, an aging grown man who should know better, you behave more like a little boy at time. And just like a little boy, a good dose of corporal punishment is the only real way to get your attention.”

How could I argue when I knew she was so right?

“But please Mistress, I don’t understand fully what you require of me to say in this so called ‘pledge’.
“It’s exactly as I said. You will pledge to accept my authority and my discipline at all times. You will pledge to think of me and my needs and how you can best serve them. You will pledge not to question me or my methods. And you will also pledge to take punishment without a fuss, with no begging or or whining. And once you have signed up to that pledge there will be absolutely no going back.”

Phew. This was far removed from the easy-going Mistress I knew. I found her steely determination and detached attitude rather frightening.

“What if I don’t sign this ‘pledge’?

“You will. I know what makes you tick and we both know you need a certain amount of discipline. Your ‘need’ is a little caning when you have a mood for it. What I need from you is to be better behaved and more aware of my needs. Start showing me respect and then there will be no need for the cane.

“The difference with the pledge is that in future you will get my discipline, not the discipline you fantasise about.” she said. “But if you decided not to pledge your submission, then we’ll have to call a halt our DD relationship. I’ve threatened you many times but this really is your last chance.”

“Is that what you would like to happen Mistress?”

“Not at all. I think you need the discipline to keep you on the straight and narrow. And I wouldn’t want to leave your arrogance left unchecked. But you need to serve me. So I want that to see that pledge. You have until Sunday night to give it some serious consideration.”

We left the discussion there but I didn’t sleep well and the conversation has worried me since – not helped by Mistress asking me several times how my ‘pledge’ document is coming along.

I’ve written it to Mistress’ orders but I keep reading it, tweaking it, re-reading it – wondering if can possibly live up to it. I want to, make no mistake. When Mistress lectured me in bed it made me realized just what a pig I can be – and yes, I’d like to be a better person. But, as she says, too easily I slip into my normal selfish ways.

I think the issue for sometime now – apart from my failings - is that I’ve tried to aim for something that’s not workable. It’s been geared around my fantasy and not reality. I know I’ve tried to steer things too much but now Mistress seems like she really wants total control and, despite my misgivings about my ability to cope with that, I feel like I really want to embrace everything she has said – and move on.

I’m scared to death by the prospect because I know there are those times when I really might not want to be ordered around or punished but to make it a successful and meaningful DD relationship I know it is only in those times that it will be possible to gauge if my submission is truly real.

I also know that after several days, weeks maybe, months even, I may suddenly rebel and want the freedom to do what I want, when I want and how I want without having to request permission. Hardly a model submissive. Hardly a submissive at all. But what if I can overcome my natural instincts and please Mistress.

I know there be many of you reading this wondering why I am agonizing over the pledge – it’s a submissive’s dream, after all. But the thought of Mistress taking complete control like this is more daunting than I ever could have imagined. But it’s taken that conversation and Mistress’ frank observation of my character traits to finally make me realize I’ve been playing at DD all this time.

But I know how I feel after several days of strict discipline. I don’t just mean being caned on a regular basis – which is bad enough - but being the well-behaved submissive for days of end is really taxing. And Mistress really has adopted this no-nonsense air that really is unsettling me.

But I know she is also perfectly right. And I think she’s finally unlocked the deep desire in me to make this work. I’m wildly surprised how keen Mistress is for it to work too. If I can show half the commitment Mistress has, then  everything should work well.

The deadline for submission of my pledge document is Sunday. We’ll have an inkling of what the future might have in store then.