Friday, 1 August 2014

Confronting the demons

Writing a blog can be a joyous, liberating exercise. It allows you to express your inner thoughts (in my case not very eloquently) and reap the fruits of one’s labours when positive comments flow in.

But that happens when the negative is anything but positive and is really very critical of one’s self? It’s not a nice feeling at all and, after the adverse comments from lawyer and K Rai to my most recent post, I wondered whether it was worth continuing – especially as both of them pointed out my rather obvious shortcomings.

Mistress and I are trying to pursue a female led relationship but after years of previous vanilla relationships, both of us find it hard works to maintain our FLR 24/7. We were are both full focused it works well and we do have a fairly strict DD regime to help keep me in my place - but I often stray from our rules. And what is worse, I still, after several years of developing our FLR, top from the bottom and, in doing so, show a lack of respect for Mistress.

I put her under pressure to focus on our FLR, how I’d like it to develop but I actually behave like I do outside of the home – in other words; expecting everything done my way, and now!

But thankfully, both lawyer and K Rai picked up on the tone of my most recently post and were fairly critical of my attitude. My initial response was to close the blog so I wouldn’t have to confront my demons but after a lot of thought, I realized how helpful their comments were and decided I should continue because its that feedback we all yearn for when we blog and the negative comments can be more helpful than positive ones – thought I’d rather not have to face an avalanche of them!

How are the comments helping already? Yesterday we had a day off together shopping and Mistress wanted to eat at a certain place – and I didn’t. Normally I’d offer my thoughts and we would probably have tried somewhere else but I stopped myself before I opened my mouth, ate where Mistress wanted and she was happy. Likewise, shopping. I tend to go off and do my thing (which Mistress doesn’t mind) but yesterday I felt much more attentive to what she wanted to look at and we shared the experience.

It was only a couple of small things I noticed myself doing - and I hope I’ve not made it sound condescending – but I do think my awareness of my ‘attitude’ was helped by thinking about the comments made. 


  1. Sorry for being so direct in my last comment.

    I dont have any intention to make you feel bad or make your life harder.
    I felt so angry when I read your last post and I had a feeling of "They" (meaning the men in the world, generally, lol, all of them) just dont get it.
    I did not want to explain anything anymore to you or anybody else, because even "explaining" felt like "giving". And the feeling that had been triggered in me was: "He is not seeing how much she is already giving". I only just read what KRai wrote and I am glad K Rai had the energy and calmness to give some explanation.

    It is kind of funny that KRai mentioned corner time/time outs. I had "writing lines" in my mind. Two great minds think alike :-)

    The very nice thing in your relationship with mistress is that she seems to be really open to walk new paths with you. She is willing to freely give you what you want.

  2. Its all those little things thats needed to make her day a little bit better :)

    I didnt mean to be negative. Remember that im just babbling on from my own experience. Its your life and i can only judge from your stories. I dont have a clue of what your life is like. All i can do is once in a while offer my thoughts and talk from my own experience but in the end its you and your mistress that need to be happy.

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  4. Hi RM. Thanks for all your quotes on my blog. Sorry it has taken me so long to return the favor.

    If I may offer a slightly different perspective, I just do not buy the entire concept of "topping from below" in any genuine relationship in which the parties are both trying to get to a place that works for them. Communication is key, and "topping from below" really doesn't seem to be any more than an insistence that communication about the relationship should be one-way.

    You said: "On the one hand I now avoid the cane at all costs yet when I’m threatened with it, and then it doesn’t happen, I get a deep feeling of frustration – and that seems to manifest itself in my bitchy comments aimed at Mistress." I totally get that. You don't want to be punished, but you know you should be, and you've agreed you should be, and it IS frustrating when it doesn't happen. Because you are (for the most part) carrying through your part of the discussions by baring yourself and accepting your punishment, but it feels like the other party is not doing what they said they would do.

    But, it is also true that becoming that strict disciplinary wife takes A LOT of growth and effort for most women. This is new for her too, and I really think that for those who aren't sociopaths, it probably takes a lot more personal growth and stretching to learn to be able to willingly hurt someone than to learn to accept it. So, while I agree with Lawyer and K Rai that your wife deserves a break for how hard she is trying, give yourself a break too.

    And, I really wish you would not resist wanting to cry and would just do it. Not because I want to tell you how to do your relationship, but because you seem to be very close to be able to doing something that I really wish I could do and have not been able to. I just think you need to tell your wife that if you DO cry, she should not take that as a bad thing and should see it as part of your submission to her.

  5. Hi Dan, thanks for your input. And for your wise words. I think a lot of people take for granted just how much work has to be put in an FLR from both sides - and I surely appreciate how much Mistress has given to the relationship.

    As for the tears etc, it's a bit like Mistress accepting that for the cane to be effective, it is going to hurt me. That was a hurdle to overcome - and Mistress certainly doesn't worry about hurting me now. And the tears thing is possible another hurdle.

    Ultimately though I'm trying not to steer this anymore. I prefer Mistress to lead and just accept her judgement on all matters regarding DD.