There’s been a fair amount of tension in the house these past few days.
We’ve both been very busy workwise and with little time to focus on DD, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been less than the perfect submissive for quite a while now.
Mistress has been threatening to punish me for over a week but on each occasion time has been set aside, something else has reared its head.
As a result, I’ve been getting more and more bitchy towards Mistress. I pick up on the little things that annoy me – the ones that usually float over me – and then dig at her about them.
I know it’s wrong but it’s not something I deliberately do. Each occasion I tell myself it’s wrong and not to do it again – but the next time I moan and dig just the same.
On the one hand I now avoid the cane at all costs yet when I’m threatened with it, and then it doesn’t happen, I get a deep feeling of frustration – and that seems to manifest itself in my bitchy comments aimed at Mistress.
Mistress finally had enough tonight and told me to fetch the cane. She also instructed me to set up our new caning bench – a footstool and a bar stool which, tied together, with me strapped down in a kneeling position, means there’s no chance of me moving around to escape the cane strokes – and my bottom is at a perfect height for Mistress to use the cane at full force.
I placed both of our Dragon canes by the bench and watched as Mistress picked up the thin one and stood flexing it.
“So, do you know why I am going to cane you tonight?”
“Because I’ve been disrespectful to you Mistress for several days.”
“You have, very much so. And that disappointments me. It means that we will have to go through the same painful training process yet again. Bend over the bench.”
As Mistress tightened the strap round my legs and then fastened my wrists, I could feel myself breathing heavier and heavier through my nose. I kept telling myself to be brave, don’t make a fuss, and how much this was really deserved.
As usual my resolve was a pathetic failure and within three strokes I was making a fuss.
There was no doubt Mistress was caning me hard – harder than at any time I can remember. But I say this every time.
I began begging for it to stop – and heard myself say, “please Mistress, I can’t take anymore.”
With that she threw the cane down, undid my wrists and told me to pack things away.
I did as I was told and then she summons me to stand in front of her, while she lounged in the leather armchair.
“You are an absolute wimp,” she said. “I expect a bit more restraint from you during punishment. You always said you wanted to be punished like a man – yet you always behave like a child. I think we’re going to need a long, painful training programme so we don’t get this pathetic fuss each time I have to discipline you.
I was told to get tea and waved away.
I felt terrible – because deep down, no matter how hard those 12 strokes of the cane were, it wasn’t the punishment I knew I really deserved.
The dilemma Mistress has is that she still finds it difficult to ignore my pleading, because it’s not totally natural for her to play this dominant role. We are both still learning about DD after all.
My belief is that she wouldn’t be quite so worried about hurting me, if we lived in a nice detached house and no one would be able to overhear my pleading. As it is, we constantly worry that the neighbors will hear our sessions of correction.
After tea we discussed the issues at length. Firstly we covered my bitchiness leading up to tonight’s punishment and then we discussed the aborted punishment. The conclusion was that we needed to work together to maintain DD – and I have to accept my punishment with less fuss – in fact no fuss.
Mistress said: “I expect you to take the cane in silence. You are a man. Behave like one.
“I suggest when you blog about tonight you ask your other submissive friends how they are trained to take their punishment. I’m sure their Mistresses don’t have to put up with the sort of fuss like you create. You really are such a wimp.”
I agreed I would try to canvas opinion but that we are all different and some men take a beating better than others. Deep down I felt very embarrassed.
I suggested that in future Mistress ignores my pleas and punishes me as she feels fit and doesn’t let me off lightly. But I also said I would try harder – and admitted finally, I was embarrassed by my lack of self control.
I explained that I needed her to be strict with me otherwise there would be no deterrent effect. But I added that she was caning me particularly hard earlier.
Mistress suddenly turned on me again and said, for the umpteenth time that evening: “You are an absolute wimp. I was caning you hard but I could cane a lot harder.”
Stupidly I grinned – but it was a disdainful, ‘whatever you say Mistress’ grin.
Mistress picked up on it straight away. “In that case, you can set up the bench and I will show you just how hard I can really cane. Then perhaps you will show me some proper respect. Do it now.”
I wasted no time doing what I was told. On the one had it felt like justice was about to be done. On the other I was dreading it as I pulled the two Dragon canes back out of the wardrobe. But I told myself there was no way Mistress was going to cane me as hard as she had done earlier. Not at this late hour. What about the neighbors? I was wrong.
As I was fastened to the bench, I was desperate to stay in control and set my lips as tight as I could. I could hear heavy breathing through my nose and then the cane lashed down.
I was a biting, stinging, horrible punishment – far worse than earlier. With no respite between strokes to recover. But I made no noise.
Instead I could feel every emotion being transmitted through my body. I could feel my battered bottom shaking between strokes, my legs and feet were wriggling, my chest convulsing. But I didn’t not cry out.
My lips were trembling and distorting. I felt close to bursting into tears. I wanted to let go and weep. But something inside stopped me.
After 24 horrendous strokes, Mistress ordered me to kneel before her again. She lectured me again on my behavior, what she expected of me and warned me, she still hadn’t used the cane at 100%.
She asked me to explain my emotions now that I had been properly punished.
As you know, I’ve always struggled to explain my innermost emotions in written form and it’s even worse trying to explain face to face with Mistress.
I said this and was met with, “you are quick enough to blog your thought to your ‘friends’. Tell me.”
I explained about the frustrations building up and how my bitchy behavior emerges. And how it’s so hard to control – even when I know I’m doing wrong.
I explained that just because I’m pleading for the cane to stop – doesn’t mean it should. That Mistress should just focus on punishing me as she sees fit – and see it through to the bitter end.
And I explained how emotional I felt in the second session, how actually forcing myself to remain silent focused on my bad behavior, how badly I felt about hurting her – and how I needed the punishment to cleanse the bad feelings inside.
It sounds muddled but I think Mistress understood what I was trying to say. I’m just worried now how tonight’s experiences are going to affect our DD regime in the future. But how ever Mistress wants to take it forward, I can only be guided by her authority.