Saturday, 28 June 2014

The ethics of postponing punishment

The unthinkable happened on Friday morning. I got angry and raised my voice to Mistress. We were discussing something quite trivial but I felt that Mistress was having a go at my attitude and instead of quietly accepting what she was saying, something in me snapped and I didn’t just answer back, I raised my voice - not far off shouting.

Mistress was a bit taken aback and told me to be quiet but I carried on and was then told in no uncertain that I was behaving like a spoiled child – which I was. At that point I shut up.

Circumstances meant that Mistress had to leave for a business appointment almost straight after our ‘row. But during the day she text me to apologise for winding me up, saying that she was under a lot of pressure from work etc.

I replied immediately with my apology, saying it was all my own fault, acting, as she said, like a spoiled child and that the only plus from the whole situation was that we had a good mechanism (in our DD regime) to deal with such instances.

I assumed that would set things straight and I’d be dealt with later – as I deserved.

I felt miserable all day, not because of the consequences of my actions but the simple fact that I’d caused a row and upset Mistress.

That evening Mistress arrived home in the kind of mood that suggests to me I am in trouble. She was talking but very curt in her replies so I feared the worst – but, as I said before, only what I deserved. But no sooner had we exchanged pleasantries about our respective days when visitors arrived – and stayed until late.

When we finally got to bed, Mistress said, “you should consider yourself lucky, you were due a good caning tonight for what happened earlier to day.”

“Yes Mistress, I’m really sorry about the way I behaved. Something just snapped inside. I didn’t mean to shout at you.”

Mistress, after a hard day’s work turned over and went to sleep while I lie there thinking about the whole issue – and wishing that we would have had time to wipe the slate clean immediately. We kissed and cuddled but I think we both knew the issue hadn’t been dealt with in the manner we both expect from our DD regime.

This morning Mistress was up and out early, off on a shopping trip with one of her girlie friends, having left me a list of chores. This evening we are out with friends so I doubt the matter from Friday morning will be dealt with and will just be forgotten.

I don’t want to suffer a real punishment caning but this is one occasion where I feel it is absolutely necessary – and it’s issues like this, where I really have behaved in a very bad way and not been punished, that it makes it feel like our DD regime is just a game.

But if we are in a true FLR, my thoughts are that the issue should be dealt with in the manner we have determined to regulate our relationship, in other words, by strict disciplinary measures.

I feel there is something of an onus in this particular situation on me to ask Mistress to punish me. 

Although part of me also feels that Mistress is the one who should determine when and how any issues are dealt with. So I’ve been playing both off in my head and now need to ask advice.

I wonder what others of you think about the situation? Does this ever happen in your FLR? If so, how do you deal with it? Do you, as a submissive male, request punishment when you know it is deserved and your Lady have overlooked it? Is that the right way forward in a FLR? Or do you simply let matters take their course and leave it up to your Lady to determine your fate?

Also, I’d like to ask the Ladies who control their men, how they would react to a ‘request for punishment? And I’d also like to ask if it’s acceptable, given the circumstances I’d described, whether punishment can be meaningful if it is postponed more than a day or two after an offence?

I await your replies with interest.  


  1. 'Tis not for you to control or influence how things unfold.
    Your task is to do as you are told.

    1. I know Michael. I just need reminding sometimes.

  2. Problem with BDSM is that for most people it is difficult to practice "24/7" as life gets in the way. It requires commitment and a lot of creativity. It's easier to just let it slip away because "we dont have the time". We use the same excause with raising children, pets etc.
    First of all if you want to live the lifestyle you should be aware that there are things you need to give up on in order to get the result you want. Less sleep, less time with friends etc... Just by letting it rest it sends out the signals that it is not of importance...

    I've been there my self with subs misbehaving and then not finding the time for consequences... if you want something you should be able to make it happen. If its not happening then its not important enough...

    if you feel bad then you should tell your mistress how you feel about it. "Waiting for the right moment" is not the right thing to do. I would had set a time in my schedule in order to make sure the issue was dealt with and this way communicatez with my sub to tell that WE WILL deal with it.

    You clearly are lacking communication. If i may say, you also question her choices in a way. Not too sure if she will do what she has said she would..Perhaps thats the part of giving away all control that i'm not used to.

    1. I hear what you are saying. Sometime I think it takes a lot more commitment and effort to make a FLR work than a normal run of the mill relationship. But that's what makes it so special.

  3. A very interesting and most thoughtful post, and it definitely struck a cord with me. As Michael has wisely said, it will always be the prerogative of Mistress to decide these things. I do enjoy considering such things if only from a caring submissive's perspective.

    Not so long ago I acted out and upset my Mistress. According to our rules I deserved punishment, and she had every right to use her crop on me. Not that she even needs a reason, but most always there is a reason. I had upset my Mistress so much she was just terribly sad, but she did not punish me. I should mention she is not a big corporal "punisher", but does have a leather crop that she uses from time to time.

    I really longed for the whipping I deserved as a strong reminder of my misdeed, but instead I was left to stew. It was worse.

    I was forgiven, but sometimes the sting of the crop puts the world back in balance.

    1. I agree, it is Mistress to decided when and how punishment should be given. And like you say, no punishment is sometime the worse option.

  4. A tricky situation. I know from your past writings that you two have periods when you discuss the various aspects of your relationship. I assume that this is still the case. If so, you'd be well advised to discuss the matter rather than request a caning. "Request" can easily be interpreted as a "demand" of sorts, and that is not only NOT acceptable, but it reeks of gamesmanship on your part. Isn't that exactly what you wish to avoid? My advice is to discuss the situation before you fall into a pit of your own making. In the end, as Michael M said, your task is to "do as you're told".
    The "when" and "if" of any punishment is ultimately her decision. Discuss only during a period set aside for discussion, and then obey.

  5. Such wise words Lady Grey. Thank you. We have discussed the situation and I've not requested anything. The tension is high though since Mistress has told me she the incident won't be forgotten. Each day clicks by and each time I hear Mistress call my name my heart skips a beat, thinking it's a summons to the bench. It's an effective way to keep a sub on his toes. Probably more so that the short sharp shock of a caning. I hope this doesn't sound condescending, but I can't help be impressed with the way women use psychology as their ultimate weapon of punishment.