With Mistress away, I’ve had two days to think about tonight's appointment with the cane.
It used to be quite an intoxicating fantasy when I knew in advance I was to be punished but it’s actually been two very trying days and I’m getting more and more nervous and the hours tick by.
I've recounted my recent lack of enthusiasm for being caned - but I've been taking into account all the things that I’ve done that warrant correction this time around. The list is endless and top of the list is my back chat and snipes at Mistress which she really doesn’t deserve. So while I really don’t want to suffer the cane, in many ways I feel I deserve it.
Disciplineboyfriend recently posed an interesting thought on his blog http://disciplinedboyfriend.wordpress.com: “What should we get out of punishment?” He answered his own question by saying: “I think I should get a lot of discomfort, pain with implements that I am not comfortable with. Afterwards it should be like absolution and all sins cleansed.
And he felt that C, his disciplinarian girlfriend, “will have to put aside all her feelings while she performs the punishment and will probably need to leave her comfort zone too. During and afterwards she can feel that justice has been done and even be smug. I’m sure the sight of my bottom bright red might do something for her as well, especially if she made a good job of it.”
I can empathise with some of those thoughts – though I don’t see the need for C to feel smug about correcting her boyfriend’s faults.
By its nature, corporal punishment takes us from our comfort zone whether you are on the painful receiving end or administering the pain to someone you love.
From my point of view, punishment is a corrective measure for my real faults therefore, I have to accept pain for it to be effective.
I’ve always believed that if I’m going to be assigned corporal punishment as an adult, then it has to be of a severity that reflects my age and physical size - and has to go beyond my own personal limits – if it is meant to be a real punishment.
Those limits of course vary for all of us but, Mistress and I realized some years ago that my composure had disappeared after a good hard 24 strokes of the cane.
When we decided to adopt a DD regime, Mistress determined that the minimum punishment I could expect would therefore be 36 strokes, quite a way from those limits.
From being an instrument to derive pleasure, when we started out playing cp games, the cane became something to fear – a similar fear one might have had as a schoolboy anticipating six of the best from the Headmaster. The idea being, that fear generates a deterrent factor.
So what do I expect from my punishment this time? I expect to suffer. I expect to be secured over the bench and I expect that Mistress will lay on each stroke as hard as she can, with very little time between the strokes for me to regain my composure. That’s her style. And it is so effective. Anything less means I feel that she’s giving me an easy time and there doesn’t have the effect of being a punishment.
I know from experience I can take the first three strokes in silence but after the fourth stroke my composure will be gone.
I expect that if Mistress is using the thin Dragon cane, its sting will invade not just my bottom but my entire body with a horrible white hot stinging feeling
If it’s the thick Dragon, then each stinging, thudding stroke will make my entire body shudder. And if she’s using the thick synthetic cane, then that stinging thud is even more intense.
Being caned is not enjoyable and I tend to lose all dignity. I cry out, I beg for it to stop, I wriggle, I sweat, I dribble and I shake. It’s quite a humbling, humiliating position to be in. And, no matter what you might read elsewhere, you never get acclimatized to it. My next punishment will hurt as much as any other. And I’ll experience the same feelings. And we have no safe word for me to escape with.
Once I’m over the bench I have no option to take what Mistress deems a suitable punishment.
I recently discussed my inability to maintain composure during punihsment with a friend on FetLife, a lady who is subjected to quite severe punishment. She maintains position despite not being secured throughout a punishment and makes no fuss at all. This astounds me, but she insists her ability to maintain composure is partly down to her stubbornness not to give in to the pain, but also because she keeps reminding herself that she deserves the punishment and that it’s her responsibility to behave during the punishment.
When I’m over the bench later today, I’ll think of what she has said and try to follow her example.
Disciplineboyfriend also posed the questions what positives are there from being punished.
For me it’s more about attitude of mind so the pre-punishment and post punishment feelings are the most important aspects of discipline to me – in fact to the both of us.
Pre-punishment there is genuine dread. I know what is coming but there is no escape. It’s also humbling to be stood in front of Mistress, being lectured like a child, your faults highlighted. The moment I’m told to ‘go and get changed and bring the cane,’ never fail to turn my stomach.
Post punishment I stay over the bench for a few second after my bonds are released waiting the order to get up. By now, Mistress is sat in the leather armchair to the side of the bench and I have to parade my bare bottom before her so she can enjoy her handiwork.
I’m overwhelmed by a feeling of love for Mistress. I want to hug her and kiss and thank her but she knows this and bids me instead to kneel at her feet and thank her for my punishment. Then I’m sent away.
The intensity of feelings linger for hours, days. I feel at peace with the world. Any pressures or stresses have ebbed away. Being caned is a real cathartic experience for me.
When I initially read disciplinedboyfriend’s post a few days ago now, I asked Mistress for her for her views on the subject too and was a bit taken aback by what she said.
“I cane you because you need it,” she said. “I don’t mean you have a need for it, I mean you need correcting.
“It seems that you lose your way too easily. You forget to be respectful and ignore your responsibilities. I used to think you did it deliberately to get me to punish you but I’ve realized over the years that it’s simply the way you are. You can’t help yourself.
“I started punishing you because you asked me to and you said it satisfied a desire in you. So you could say I did it out of my love for you, to give you something you wanted. That’s how I saw it when we used to play CP for fun.
“However, that’s changed over the years and now, I genuinely believe you need to be punished from time to time to keep you in line. I do it to get you to behave in our relationship in a way that suits me.
“It really annoys me now that there are things we’ve discussed over and over that I expect from you – yet still you consistently let me down.
“I suppose that’s one thing that I can derive pleasure from – the fact that I’m able to use discipline to manipulate you to my needs.
“The other thing is that I enjoy seeing you suffer. At first I wasn’t comfortable with hurting you but now I have the experience I don’t seeing mind you suffering. In fact, after you’ve acted like a rude pig, or not bothered to do something you are expected to do, there’s an element of satisfaction in seeing you writhing around and not able to put an end to what’s happening to you – though it annoys me when you whimper so.
“It’s not at all sexual – I don’t experience anything sexual from caning you (there is no sexual aspect to our DD regime), but a form of pleasure.
“And finally, I take a lot of satisfaction from doing my job well. When I took this on, my goal was to do it well. It’s been a challenge for me, learning how to use the cane properly to get the best results – and to use it accurately. So when I see a perfect row of parallel stripes, yes, I do take some real satisfaction from my work.”
I think Mistress probably took all that on board and was thinking of our conversation when she decided to make our appointment for today. If, like me, you take everything that she has said, perhaps you can understand why I'm getting a bit nervous about the process I’m due to experience a little later on.