Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Appointment with the cane

It was April 9 that I last commented on our DD. I was threated with a return to a 24/7 regime but until yesterday that threat had not materialized. However, I can report that I have an appointment with the cane on Thursday (tomorrow) at 5.00pm.

We were lying in bed on Tuesday morning chatting about our work for the rest of the week. Mistress was due to leave for a couple of days away on business later in the morning when she suddenly said: “I shall be home on Thursday at 5.00pm. I want you dressed for punishment, with the bench set up and canes laid out. I think it’s time you were beaten again – and I want to deal with you as soon as I get home.”

I was taken aback by her sudden authority. We’d not really discussed our DD regime since my last blog post – apart from her occasional enquiry into my health – and whether I was fit enough to be caned again. Those enquiries seemed more witty banter than serious interrogation so I assumed she, like myself, had really gone off the whole DD routine.

I managed a ‘yes Mistress’, in response to her command but the words didn’t come naturally.

I said: “With respect Mistress, I ‘m not questioning your authority but may I ask why you are so keen to beat me now?”

“Because you need it. I can’t believe how rude you’ve been to me recently. Some of your comments are downright nasty. And you’ve become lazy. I aim to regain control of this relationship.”

“If I was going to blog this conversation, I think people would be interested to know why being in control is important to you. I’m interested too…..”

“I’m so busy at work that sometimes I don’t feel any kind of control. Our relationship is the one thing I can control and the discipline you asked for allows me that control.”

“What if we’ve reached the point, or I’ve reached that point, where I don’t want the discipline any more?”

Mistress gave one of those looks that make your blood freeze.

“Do you think you have a choice?”

“No Mistress.”

So I’m resigned to presenting myself for the cane tomorrow. It’s daunting. I know the pain of the Dragon cane will turn me into a blubbering wreck within three or four strokes. It’s always worse when you’ve had several weeks without suffering any disciplinary punishment and I’m still in two mind whether it’s something I still need or have had thrashed out of me.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Her beautiful discipline

There was a point in recent weeks where I decided I’d had enough of being submissive, being picked up on my many faults, being caned. Our FLR has been a rollercoaster brought on by a pressure of work and outside influences and two weeks of illness, and another couple weeks of gentle rehabilitation left me thinking it was time to call it a day. 

In that period, we had pretty much dropped our FLR protocol, ‘Mistress’ reverted to ‘darling’ so we reverted to a normal vanilla relationship for some time.

While I still continued to fantasise about corporal punishment and checked out my Fet Life account, it wasn’t with the same obsessive regularity as before and the thought of going over the bench to be caned was one I’d come to dread.

Well, dread is probably a bit dramatic, but it was certainly no longer something to look forward to – even with my life-long masochistic desires.

I never thought I’d say that, especially as my fantasy had always been for Mistress to take full control of our relationship and punish me as she saw fit – and if that meant taking beyond my limits, the so be it.
But the reality was that each time I went to fetch that cane it was in the knowledge of I was about to suffer a pretty severe punishment - and the challenge of taking those beatings no longer held any pleasure.

I feel terrible to even express these thoughts because I had been the one wanting to reach this very stage in our relationship. And I am only too aware how lucky I am to have found the kind of authoritarian lady that so many submissive men with similar feelings to mine would dearly love to find.

Then this past weekend, Mistress and I were away for a quiet weekend, me feeling a lot better in my health. We were relaxing in our hotel room when the conversation suddenly changed tone and went something this: “You seem to be a lot more like your old self, do you feel better?”

“Yea, darling, I think I’m back to 100% again now.”

“Oh I’m so pleased. That means we can get back to normality.”

I knew exactly where this was going but replied: “Normality?”

“Yes, You’ve become very overbearing since you got over the worse of your illness. You answer me back. Don’t do anything around the house. I think we need our DD regime reinstated to help you remember your place.”

“I don’t think so darling,” I suggested.  “We’ve not even thought about our DD regime for weeks now. It’s been so up and down of late too. I don’t think it’s worth bothering anymore.”

I was adamant and forceful in my final statement. I thought that would be enough to dampen her spirit.
“Oh really? Well you might think like that but I’m afraid you are going to have to think again. You might cast your mind back to our discussions where we came up with new rules and even signed a contract. You handed authority to me if you remember. I’m not giving it up.”

By now my positive attitude had taken a jolt.

“Why are you so keen to go back to our DD regime?”

“Because the cane seems to be the only thing that works with you. You’ve reverted to your lazy ways. You’ve done nothing in the house now for weeks. I know you were unwell for a while and I made allowances for that - but you’ve been perfectly okay for weeks now and not made an effort to revert to how you should behave. I’ve let the situation continue just to see if you would eventually make an effort and I’m really disappointed that the more time has gone on, the worse you have become.

“You’ve even got that aggressive streak back and have been directing some downright, nasty comments at me so I think it’s time to address all your faults.”

She was right – as ever - but the thought of a minimum 36-strokes from the Dragon cane on a regular basis turned my stomach. So I countered.

“Darling, it’s not going to work,” I said, raising my voice.“ It’s never worked for more than a few weeks at a time. And I think I’ve reach the point where we should end it.”

There I said it. I might well have regrets in future months when/if the ‘need’ returnes, but that was the statement to end it for ever.

She came straight back at me. “Well that’s a shame because I don’t care what you think - or what you want or don’t want. We’re going back to our DD regime when we get home and that’s the end of it. 
What do you say?”

That final sentence was Mistress expecting me to remember my place. I heard myself reciting the accepted answer, “Yes Mistress.”

Those two words sealed my fate. We were now back to square one. Mistress was in charge and would not have to be on my best behaviour.

I know that deep down some time in the future I might feel a ‘need’ to be caned but I thought if we could continue without DD for long enough, perhaps the ‘need’ would fade. I thought it might be an itch I’d finally scratched.

But Mistress clearly has other ideas. She relishes her authoritarian role and, as I’ve said before, derives great pleasure from administering correction, accurately and severely. I’ve seen how much she enjoys that power over me. I’m the one who has unleashed that and realize now, I have to live with it.

It’s a couple of days now since out discussion and nothing has happened – yet. But I know it will and I’ve resigned myself to it. I’ve told myself that my please to annul our DD contract were premature. 

After all, I’m in a relationship I always wanted. Maybe I was being a bit over-dramatic, in my thoughts about our DD.

I think our discussion brought home to me how much more I respond to Mistress in every single way when she shows her dominant side.

I have no choice anyway. She is adamant: I have to accept her discipline. But, on reflection, experience tells me the effect of a good thrashing is a cleansing process for the both of us – and for the good of our relationship.

Whatever was I thinking when I suggested ending our DD regime?

I have to accept her discipline. I need her discipline. Her beautiful discipline.