Friday, 14 February 2014

Maintaining a submissive role

After the third blog post in our Boot Camp review, lawyer8, who used to write an excellent blog called Die Starke Frau (The Strong Woman), made some comments in reference to our DD regime and my attitude towards it.

I thought it might be interesting to air her views in a new blog post, rather than reply in the comments box. And I canvassed Mistress for her response too.

Die Starke Frau said: “I just want to add a short comment from a female point of view.
I know it is not a topic that is often discussed in the F/m internet world, but I want to make you aware of a aspect that you don’t seem to fully understand.
You keep saying over and over that you want to have this femdom relationship. And your partner is more or less giving you what you want. It is natural that you make mistakes once in a while and it is natural that she makes mistakes too. Only, my point is, if you guys are in a DD ‘scene’, or when you are having a time when domestic discipline is very present in the relationship, if during one of these occasions you deny her your submissiveness or your dedication or your effort to please her, it is pretty much a slap in her face.

“Being a dominant woman and being not respected in the dominant role is a terrible feeling. I mean: She loves you, she wants you happy, you want her to be dominant and she is even enjoying being dominant with you. But what is she supposed to do if you don’t stick to the submissive part?

“In real life, she cannot actually blister your butt raw constantly. Plus, she loves you, she probably does not want to actually ‘force’ you to do something.
My point is: be careful if falling out of the submissive role is really worth it. From my experience: if a man does that, it is really emotionally hurtful for the then wannabe dominant woman.”

Thank you Die Starke Frau for your thought-provoking insight.  I related your comments to Mistress and she agree totally with your observation.

“The Lady is right,” she said. “There’s nothing worse than for me to adopt the role you wanted me to take and then have you totally ignore me. Imagine how it makes me feel and how much it damages my confidence.

“The submission has to come from you - from your willingness to please me. That’s what you say you want to do but you always want to be submissive on your terms and that’s not how it works. From now on you either agree to total submission or nothing.

“I can punish your faults but I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. Every time you want to slip back to your old self, and refuse to accept my dominance, it knocks my confidence and I end up wondering why I bother.

“You really need to focus on what you want. You keep saying you want me to be strict, but I warn you now: You had better prepare yourself for the consequences because in future I intend to be far more strict than you can imagine. If we continue with this, I intend to play my role to the best of my ability and that means not letting you get away with a single thing in future.

“But you need to decide. If you wish for me to remain your Mistress then we do it my way. If not, we empty the wardrobe of everything – canes, whips, pvc clothing, and nothing is mentioned on the subject again.”

I’m not sure either of us would enjoy a relationship without any form of DD regime but I can understand Mistress’ frustrations.

Even after Boot Camp weekend, it only took Die Starke Frau’s comments to highlight the issues we face.

Of course, it is a really poor on my part not to show my respect for Mistress at all times and it’s something we’re working hard to eradicate. I genuinely feel bad when I let Mistress down like I do. I also feel like I’ve let myself down too.

Although I’m the one who initially wanted this lifestyle, I’m also the one who struggles the most with adapting to my submissive role 24/7. I find I can be 100% submissive over a weekend period. I make mistakes, which I’m punished for, but generally I think I please Mistress.

However, as soon as I also have to cope with the pressures of work, it’s like I can’t cope with my submissive role and switch off from considering Mistress’ needs or demands. It’s those time that I refuse to accept her authority. 

We’re working to overcome this, by Mistress maintaining her strict authority at all times (in the short term) and punishing me accordingly.

None of it really makes sense, since, far from being forced to do something I don’t want to do, I desperately want to embrace Mistress’ authority but there’s just this hurdle of outside influences, somehow preventing me from just accepting  our respective roles.

I can’t explain exactly what happens but suddenly I find myself non-compliant as something else takes precedence and no matter how had Mistress tries, this is when I reject her authority.

The plus point is that we’ve reached the point in our relationship where Mistress really enjoys her position and has gained the confidence not to yield. She told me at the weekend that I had better learn to accept what she says because I will rue the consequences and she has no intention of backing down anymore. Her comments about how strict she was going to become were quite unnerving.

I can see how much my refusal to accept Mistress’ authority can be hurtful – especially when she has worked so hard to grow into her role. And I’m aware it causes unnecessary friction in the house when I misbehave.

I’m trying to overcome my natural reaction to focus on work first and feel a shift in me not because of the constant threat of punishment that I’m now under, but because I really want to please Mistress and make her happy . I do believe things are improving, though we still have some way to go.

The recent discussions with Mistress and her willingness to push me with a very much stricter regime, seems to be having a positive effect. I do feel like a child at times – in need of discipline. But the bad thing is I behave like a child too and just do as I please.

As Die Starke Frau suggested, I need to try a lot harder to please Mistress. And it needs to be a 100% commitment on my part. The option is no DD and that would be unthinkable. 


  1. Although i know you are on about something slightly different, this made me think of the pushing limits (or hard limits?) problem. D/s should push up against limits more often than not. In simplest terms a spanking should almost always go beyond what is comfortable or bearable for the subby. Hence safe words (another complex area I know). Not feeling submissive because of a life distraction or maybe from feeling some resentment toward a partner for something unrelated, is a more complex limit. Do both partners push through the 'mood' or is it deeper thanjust 'he's in a shitty mood - bad luck'. Dropping out of the scene to communicate is drastic and looks disrespectful but maybe it just indicates: 'we need to talk about something here.' Exploring the limits is the good n bad of D/s. Sorry, no easy answers but the best of luck to you.
    lill jo

  2. Hi RM:

    I thought lawyer8's comments were excellent. When I involuntary buck Her Majesty's authority it can lead to problems for us as well. But we have a sort of safety valve built into our relationship that prevents little mishaps like that from becoming catastrophic. Our D/s relationship is both subordinate to and strengthened by the solid foundation of our primary relationship.

    In my experience it is very tough, well nigh impossible to maintain D/s roles 24/7 over the long haul. D/s roles are too narrow to completely define us as human beings. My advice is to forgive both her and yourself for not being perfect and take some of the pressure off yourselves and each other when it comes to transforming your relationship into the perfect D/s fantasy. You have a dominant lady who loves you, understands what you need and is willing to give that to you in the context of a loving relationship. Take a deep breath and realize how lucky you are. Then maybe dial it back a little. Try wearing your D/s roles like loose fitting garments instead of impenetrable suits of armor. By all means submit to her if that is what she truly desires. But perhaps taking some of the pressure off will relieve some of the stress you feel. So much of D/s in based on fantasy. We are human beings and by nature imperfect making it hard to live up to a perfect fantasy every minute of the day for our entire lives. At least I have found that to be so. You not just a submissive. She is not just your dominant. You are both whole human beings with complex webs of needs, desires and personality traits. Best of luck in your relationship. I can relate to some of the struggles you are currently experiencing.

    Just my two cents. Take what you need and leave the rest...