Friday, 18 October 2013

Egocentric submissive?

After my last blog post, Lady Grey commented: “I find myself somewhat bemused by the fact that you didn't realize that your Mistress was deriving any pleasure from the canings. It seems very egocentric and quite selfish that you felt that all of this was simply a favor for you. If that were true, it sheds a very unfortunate light on your thought processes in light of the fact that you wish to be submissive to her.

“A submissive should be totally concerned with his Mistress's pleasure, and if you truly felt she was getting no pleasure from dominating you, it would have been far better to have ended the D/s relationship.

“I'd prefer to believe that you must have had some sort of indication - at least subliminally - that all of this was more than just a favor for you. “Hopefully, you wouldn't have accepted a simple case of topping from the bottom after all of this time. HOPEFULLY.

“If not, you certainly deserve an abundance of strokes to get your mind in the right place, preferably while your Mistress is laughing her head off.”

Dear Lady Grey,

I thank you for your comments and feel that, rather than a quick reply, I should try to explain the situation in more detail.

When Mistress and I played spanking games, at my request to satisfy a life-long fascination with the cane, of course both of us derived sexual pleasure. But, after playing such games for a while, we reached a point where we realised the cane could be put to better use to benefit our relationship long-term. We talked of adopting a more female-led lifestyle.

I am naturally submissive sexually but in the other aspects of our relationship I know I have many faults and can be very overbearing so the thinking process was that the very egocentric attitude you mention could be kept in check if Mistress had more control.

Furthermore, we both felt that if this was the case, it would allow Mistress to regain self-confidence she had lost in her previous unhappy relationship.

We agreed that to achieve this, the sexual aspect of any CP needed to be removed by stepping up its severity and using it purely as a means of correction for my real faults.
I’ll not deny I continue to derive excitement from the thought of these punishments but the act itself is anything but pleasurable.

And there is no post-punishment pleasure as we both agreed from the outset that everything would return to normal as soon as the punishment was over.

I’ll not deny that I led these initial discussions, since I was the one with the lifelong interest CP. Neither of us, however, had any inkling of female-led relationships – apart from what we had read on the various blogs.  

Mistress adopted an entirely different attitude to these punishments too, becoming much more authoritarian over any issues she was not happy with – and more workman(woman)like in the deliverance of the punishments. Sexual pleasure played no part in the corrective process – or so I thought.

I wrote that I was surprised to discover Mistress derived sexual pleasure from caning me – because I was genuinely surprised. I knew she enjoyed applying corrective measures – but I thought it was the act of administering the punishments with a strict efficiency gave her a sense of pride, as well as controlling our relationship.

Having said that, this little ‘revelation’ was one of absolute joy for me because it gives me great pleasure to think that Mistress is doing this for herself and for her own enjoyment, rather than to purely please me.

You said: “A submissive should be totally concerned with his Mistress's pleasure, and if you truly felt she was getting no pleasure from dominating you, it would have been far better to have ended the D/s relationship.”

I respectfully disagree since, as I have said, one element of this has been that Mistress has regained her self-confidence to the point where she happily controls all aspects of the household – especially keeping me in line.

Secondly, Mistress is able to enjoy a more relaxed lifestyle as I am assigned the kid of chores she has a distaste for.

Our DD regime is far from perfect and, as you observe, I can be egocentric and selfish. I am but a male with failings. There are even times when I fail to afford Mistress the respect she deserves. The great thing is that when I do let myself down, we have a mechanism in place to quickly put things back in order.

I’ve always felt that is the joy of domestic discipline in a female-led relationship.

I do agree that there are times when I tend to top from the bottom, but as you right say, when those situation occur, I do deserve the abundance of strokes, you suggest. And I respectfully assure you, that my mind will be in the right place by the time Mistress has finished with me – she’ll be laughing her head off at my predicament.






  1. I'm glad that you took the time to delve into the history of your relationship. It's easier to understand where you're coming from in re your last posting and my comment thereto. The "little revelation" you experienced must have been quite joyful for you, although it still seems a bit strange that you had no inclination at all that she was deriving any enjoyment from her ministrations. Better late than never, however, and I'm happy to hear that both of you are satisfied with the current state of your relationship. In the end, that's what matters most.

  2. Lady Grey, You are of course right that I should have been more aware of Mistress’ feelings. I thank you for challenging me to think more deeply about this.