Another comment I picked up on Kealah’s blog was made by Emma Bishop who said her former mentor was very ‘sceptical of the values of the spanko 'scene'.
His comment was thus: “…..frankly I find the whole culture rather ridiculous when people describe it as 'a lifestyle'. As 'a recreation', a way of satisfying particular inclinations/needs (be they sexual, social or otherwise), then it is a perfectly reasonable way of spending time. When it becomes a means of defining oneself, a way of identifying one's whole self, an all-encompassing lifestyle, then I am afraid it is not a good way of living one's life - it can be self-centred, self-indulgent and utterly wrapped up in an artificial world that narrows one's choices and opportunities."
I’ve always struggled with the lifestyle idea – is DD real, isn’t DD real? Is our relationship really female led?
I struggle because I was the one who introduced Mistress to corporal punishment and I was the one who suggested we should try living a proper female led relationship. And yes, I was the one who suggested we adopt the domestic discipline regime we have now (or normally have when I’m fully healthy!).
So to a point, Mistress has pampered to my interests and for a long time we did just play games and it certainly did not impinge on our lifestyle.
But in doing so I unlocked Mistress’ dominant side, which was patently obvious to me very early in our relationship yet she had never really acknowledged. And as I’ve said before, she’s since embraced everything.
But has it grown to become a lifestyle? To try and answer this I looked at the mentor’s wise words.
“As 'a recreation', a way of satisfying particular inclinations/needs (be they sexual, social or otherwise), then it is a perfectly reasonable way of spending time.”
In caning me, Mistress was showing her love, giving me something she knew I felt I needed. Sex usually followed, so it was very much recreation.
Where I think things changed rather dramatically was when we adopted the idea of using the cane as a means of maintaining discipline.
Aside from the sexual connotations corporal punishment for us, Mistress was becoming increasingly frustrated by certain aspects of my behavior. I’d read about DD and suggested we adopt it as a means of keeping me in check. Mistress agreed and we launched into a more disciplined ‘lifestye’.
From that moment, corporal punishment in our home was no longer associated with sex. We both knew for it to have any real effect, the punishments had to have a higher degree of severity that the playful sessions we’d had before and, surprisingly to me, Mistress had no problem with it.
So punishment now really meant punishment. It was no longer something to be enjoyed but something to be endured and that made a big difference to how both of us viewed it.
I cannot deny I still get sexually aroused by the thought of the cane but it ends there. I can honestly say I derive no pleasure from receiving it, and get no opportunity for pleasure after it, so the entire dynamic has changed for me - and Mistress. Now it is a tool used to keep me focused and I can’t imagine either of us having a playful session as a prelude to sex anymore. And I don’t believe either of us miss that.
What else changed was the atmosphere in the home. Mistress took no nonsense. Now I am told, rather than asked, to do things. I am lectured for my faults and the lectures are real.
Back when we treated CP as a game we both use to smirk and grin in such situations but when I’m lectured now, I had better be paying attention and by goodness I would be in trouble if I found it funny.
I was worried I might resent being treated this way but I’ve found myself embracing her authority. And I think she enjoys being empowered.
If this all sounds like I’m treated constantly as a little naughty boy then I’ve given the wrong impression. For a large proportion of our lives we are an everyday normal couple, the DD aspect only kicks in when I fail to live up to the standards expected, or break rules.
I think having weekly maintenance helps clear the air so it’s rare for issues to occur. However, it’s good for us both to have the mechanism to deal with any that do.
But back to the words of the wise mentor: “When it becomes a means of defining oneself, a way of identifying one's whole self, an all-encompassing lifestyle, then I am afraid it is not a good way of living one's life - it can be self-centred, self-indulgent and utterly wrapped up in an artificial world that narrows one's choices and opportunities."
I think those are indeed wise words because even with a DD regime in place in the home, everyday life still has to go on. And as I’ve tried to explain, everyday life for us does carry on.
We both get pretty frustrated when health issues or work issues impinge on our DD relationship though. The fact that we dip in and out of DD tends to give it that feeling of being a ‘game’ that we revert to when we have a moment to ourselves. Maybe the mentor is right that it’s not good to live in an artificial world.
But is that what our DD ‘lifestyle’ is – artificial? I don’t see it like that. I see an adult male who sometimes (quite often actually) behaves like a little boy and upsets his partner. It’s not deliberate. It’s caused by just not maintaining a focus in a variety of areas and being naturally lazy.
Rather than long-drawn out discussions on what’s gone wrong and how it can be prevented, discussions that risk causing upset to one or both parties, we have a much better system.
My submissive nature means I acknowledge my failings. Mistress, with her more dominant personality, views it that way too. So there is no need for discussion. What there is a need for, is some kind of penance for the person, ie me, causing the upset. And we use corporal punishment to correct that penance.
Is that self-centred or self-indulgent? Does it narrow our choices and opportunities? I don’t think it does because we still have a loving relationship and we still carry on our so-called ‘vanilla’ lives – whilst always remembering our respective roles.
What DD means is that we have a system that suits us both. It’s different, but it is not artificial. And it is a lifestyle choice.