Friday, 31 May 2013

Fantasy and reality

Kaelah recently posted at some interesting thoughts about how, as people interested in corporal punishment, we balance fantasy and reality.

And at the end of the post she posed some questions like: ‘Do you think that fantasies are a healthy addition to reality? Do your fantasies at a certain time say anything about your current emotional and physical state? Have you experienced times when you used your fantasies to escape from reality? And are there times when you can't enter the part of your brain that creates your fictional worlds at all?’

I posted my response, suggesting that I don’t fantasise that much about corporal punishment any more. But the more I thought about, the more I realized I do actually have some quite highly developed and defined fantasies!

So I thought I’d first re-iterate here my response to Kaelah:

For many years I used to spend hours in fantasy land, daydreaming of myself in different corporal punishment scenarios, mostly suffering at the hands a dominant woman, sometimes even a man.

The fantasy thoughts go back to an early age, even at 10 years old I had a fascination with the cane. The fantasies dulled when I was in a relationship that became a marriage. But then they kicked in again about ten years later.

I realized I was in a marriage where there was absolutely no chance of turning the fantasy into reality so I suppose I took solace in my dream world. Magazines and, later, the internet fuelled the desire but in no way quenched that thirst.

Looking back it was rather like being single again – without an opportunity to have the freedom to explore that side of my life, but with all the hassles of being locked into a relationship that had gone sour.

In some ways those fantasies helped me through a barren time – certainly I would fall asleep most nights locked into my fantasies. That in itself, suggests how fantasy-dependent I had become.
But the frustration also nearly drove me to despair. Perhaps that’s how it gets when you crave something so badly.

My marriage ended after almost 30 years, but I’ve been lucky to find someone else, who hasn’t just become my soul mate, but has also embraced my fantasies to the point where she is very much the dominant personality in our relationship. ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ they say - indeed.

What I find now is that when Mistress and I are together there is no need for my fantasies because we are effectively living them through our DD regime.

However, when we are apart for more than a couple of days, or the DD goes into stall, I do dip back into my fantasies – but only imagining where our DD could, or is that should, be going.

It’s interesting Kaelah related to times when she simply can’t unlock the kink in your brain and I am the same.
We’ve gone through a tough time recently – caused by a couple of minor health issues and some intense stress at work on my side. I’ve been so pre-occupied with that, I’ve had no capacity in my head to allow myself the pleasures of our DD relationship.

You would think the natural instinct would be to tap into the fantasy to help relieve that stress but it was like my mind wouldn’t allow that luxury.

My issues impinged on Mistress, who at first thought I was no longer interested in DD. And it didn’t help with Mistress also having similar stress issues with her work.

After several discussions, and some relaxation of our respective stress issues, we’re finally heading back on track, but even a planned discipline session was cancelled when Mistress felt mentally exhausted after several days of high pressure work.

So now it seems that the portion of my brain that engages my submissive side is once again fully operational, but Mistress is obviously going through the same issues as I have.

Kaelah’s blog post has made me stop and think about how much I do actually still fantasise – and it’s quite a lot more than I realized.

Since I finished writing that response to Kealah’s post I have indeed realized just how much I do fantasise – and, following the questions posed in her blog post, I  then tried to understand what triggers them.
As I said in the response, one thing I do is try to visualize where our DD regime is going, how it can be improved and that, I suppose, amounts to fantasy.

For example Mistress and I have discussed how different our lives would be if we ever in a position to be able to retire. On more than one occasion I’ve been told that, “I’d take for more control of you.”

We’ve briefly discussed what that might entail and Mistress pointed to obvious things like more chores, stricter control over finances, me having to show he much more respect and afford her much more time.
But I’ve also thought a lot about how that might develop and those thoughts are fantasies. Any time we’ve been able to really focus on DD I’ve seen Mistress grow in confidence and really grow in her dominant role. I can see that only becoming stronger if the situation allowed it.

It’s something I’d relish because I know how much happier I am when she really begins to take control.
So my fantasy of our long-term future is for me to become much more of what you might determine a very submissive ‘house husband’, even though we’re not married. A situation where I would have to take on all of the chores and be expected to do them in an allotted time.  I’d also have to wear a pvc outfit at all times indoors and Mistress would be so much stricter with me in every way. That would include more regular use of the cane – and with more severity than I’m used to. And Mistress would use a single tail on my back.

I would become totally subservient and love every minute of my existence.

All that is pretty mundane – an extension of where we are now. But my other fantasies are just that. Or are they?

One I have is of us forgetting to put a cane away and it being discovered by either her mother or daughter when they come to visit – and then Mistress insiting on me explaining to them exactly why it is in the house and what it is used for.

It’s a situation I can’t even imagine how I’d face in reality – which is probably why I find it such an exciting thought.

So is this purely fantasy? Not entirely. Deep down I know I would love for them to know about our DD regime. Both of them have, at different times, and independent of each other, joked about me need a good spanking. If only they knew!

I think the reason for my fantasy is that both have the same dominant personality as Mistress and it would be very interesting to see how the discovery would affect their reaction towards us.

There is a danger they would both find the whole idea preposterous but, knowing their attitude and personalities, I think they would be very supportive to her and offer encouragement for her to continue.
And I have to admit , the thought of them witnessing that cane they discovered, being used, does turn me on!

My other fantasy also involves onlookers – with Mistress exploiting her knack of embarrassing me in public. Only last week she tore me off a strip in an antiques store for getting in her way when she was trying to look at something. It was purely a show of his dominant role. Nothing more. I could tell she wasn’t angry – but just was in the mood to make me squirm.

We were stood right next to a younger, burly gentleman and his lady and I can remember wondering what they thought of my treatment. I did feel rather humiliated and felt myself just go redder and redder and get more and more sweaty! In years gone by I would have got very angry but I actually derived some pleasure (and stirrings down below) from the situation.

I’m not surprised, since I have had occasional fantasies where Mistress doesn’t just talk down to me, but also engages others in the shop and tells them how I’ll be punished later.

What’s interesting for me is that both fantasies involve my humiliation in front of others, probably because I know how much I’d struggle in a situation where I’d really would be way outside of my comfort zone.
Which is probably why my most recent fantasy fascinates me so much. It was triggered by petermacs in response to my post asking for suggestions of non-corporal punishments that could be employed if and when it is not possible to use or usual method of correction.

We share an interest in rubber and pvc rainwear and he knows I lack the confidence to wear any of my mackintoshes in public. So his suggestion for an alternative punishment would be, on a sunny day, for Mistress to dress me head to foot in pvc, with my mackintosh on top and then send me out to shop for specific items for her.

Even on a rainy day it would be difficult but on a sunny day it would be impossible for me. But ever since I’ve read his comments, I’ve not been able to stop asking myself, what if? And fantasizing about how I’d feel – and what responses I’d get in the shops. And the really stupid thing is I’ve even told Mistress about petermacs’ comments – almost willing it to happen.

The beauty of fantasies is that you can immerse yourself in them and enjoy them – even if they scare you a little. When fantasy starts to become reality then you had better be sure it’s what you really want because that’s when you’ll be in situations that you really will not enjoy at all. But maybe that’s a driver for someone who is both submissive and masochistic?


  1. Great account of your feelings and thoughts.
    Have a happy weekend and hope you get what you need.

  2. I agree with Michael M - great account. It's really nice to hear someone's deeper thoughts about their fantasies and their realities. That is why I appreciate your blog.

    My wife asks me to share my fantasies with her, but some of them are so out there that I wouldn't want to scare her. I don't mean that they are inherently dangerous or illegal - they are out there in the sense that they do involve others knowing about our lifestyle, which, to date, we have kept private. One thing I shared was that I told her that I fantasize about her having a former lover do her - a cuckold fantasy. She was calm and asked why, and I told her it's not about her having sex with another man - it's about the power exchange involved that she would be allowed to do this. The interesting thing was that her response was "so you want me to have sex with other men?" and I had to clarify with her that - no, it's a fantasy. You asked me what my fantasies were, and this is about dominance, submission, and your authority. I think she got it.