Friday, 31 May 2013

Fantasy and reality

Kaelah recently posted at some interesting thoughts about how, as people interested in corporal punishment, we balance fantasy and reality.

And at the end of the post she posed some questions like: ‘Do you think that fantasies are a healthy addition to reality? Do your fantasies at a certain time say anything about your current emotional and physical state? Have you experienced times when you used your fantasies to escape from reality? And are there times when you can't enter the part of your brain that creates your fictional worlds at all?’

I posted my response, suggesting that I don’t fantasise that much about corporal punishment any more. But the more I thought about, the more I realized I do actually have some quite highly developed and defined fantasies!

So I thought I’d first re-iterate here my response to Kaelah:

For many years I used to spend hours in fantasy land, daydreaming of myself in different corporal punishment scenarios, mostly suffering at the hands a dominant woman, sometimes even a man.

The fantasy thoughts go back to an early age, even at 10 years old I had a fascination with the cane. The fantasies dulled when I was in a relationship that became a marriage. But then they kicked in again about ten years later.

I realized I was in a marriage where there was absolutely no chance of turning the fantasy into reality so I suppose I took solace in my dream world. Magazines and, later, the internet fuelled the desire but in no way quenched that thirst.

Looking back it was rather like being single again – without an opportunity to have the freedom to explore that side of my life, but with all the hassles of being locked into a relationship that had gone sour.

In some ways those fantasies helped me through a barren time – certainly I would fall asleep most nights locked into my fantasies. That in itself, suggests how fantasy-dependent I had become.
But the frustration also nearly drove me to despair. Perhaps that’s how it gets when you crave something so badly.

My marriage ended after almost 30 years, but I’ve been lucky to find someone else, who hasn’t just become my soul mate, but has also embraced my fantasies to the point where she is very much the dominant personality in our relationship. ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ they say - indeed.

What I find now is that when Mistress and I are together there is no need for my fantasies because we are effectively living them through our DD regime.

However, when we are apart for more than a couple of days, or the DD goes into stall, I do dip back into my fantasies – but only imagining where our DD could, or is that should, be going.

It’s interesting Kaelah related to times when she simply can’t unlock the kink in your brain and I am the same.
We’ve gone through a tough time recently – caused by a couple of minor health issues and some intense stress at work on my side. I’ve been so pre-occupied with that, I’ve had no capacity in my head to allow myself the pleasures of our DD relationship.

You would think the natural instinct would be to tap into the fantasy to help relieve that stress but it was like my mind wouldn’t allow that luxury.

My issues impinged on Mistress, who at first thought I was no longer interested in DD. And it didn’t help with Mistress also having similar stress issues with her work.

After several discussions, and some relaxation of our respective stress issues, we’re finally heading back on track, but even a planned discipline session was cancelled when Mistress felt mentally exhausted after several days of high pressure work.

So now it seems that the portion of my brain that engages my submissive side is once again fully operational, but Mistress is obviously going through the same issues as I have.

Kaelah’s blog post has made me stop and think about how much I do actually still fantasise – and it’s quite a lot more than I realized.

Since I finished writing that response to Kealah’s post I have indeed realized just how much I do fantasise – and, following the questions posed in her blog post, I  then tried to understand what triggers them.
As I said in the response, one thing I do is try to visualize where our DD regime is going, how it can be improved and that, I suppose, amounts to fantasy.

For example Mistress and I have discussed how different our lives would be if we ever in a position to be able to retire. On more than one occasion I’ve been told that, “I’d take for more control of you.”

We’ve briefly discussed what that might entail and Mistress pointed to obvious things like more chores, stricter control over finances, me having to show he much more respect and afford her much more time.
But I’ve also thought a lot about how that might develop and those thoughts are fantasies. Any time we’ve been able to really focus on DD I’ve seen Mistress grow in confidence and really grow in her dominant role. I can see that only becoming stronger if the situation allowed it.

It’s something I’d relish because I know how much happier I am when she really begins to take control.
So my fantasy of our long-term future is for me to become much more of what you might determine a very submissive ‘house husband’, even though we’re not married. A situation where I would have to take on all of the chores and be expected to do them in an allotted time.  I’d also have to wear a pvc outfit at all times indoors and Mistress would be so much stricter with me in every way. That would include more regular use of the cane – and with more severity than I’m used to. And Mistress would use a single tail on my back.

I would become totally subservient and love every minute of my existence.

All that is pretty mundane – an extension of where we are now. But my other fantasies are just that. Or are they?

One I have is of us forgetting to put a cane away and it being discovered by either her mother or daughter when they come to visit – and then Mistress insiting on me explaining to them exactly why it is in the house and what it is used for.

It’s a situation I can’t even imagine how I’d face in reality – which is probably why I find it such an exciting thought.

So is this purely fantasy? Not entirely. Deep down I know I would love for them to know about our DD regime. Both of them have, at different times, and independent of each other, joked about me need a good spanking. If only they knew!

I think the reason for my fantasy is that both have the same dominant personality as Mistress and it would be very interesting to see how the discovery would affect their reaction towards us.

There is a danger they would both find the whole idea preposterous but, knowing their attitude and personalities, I think they would be very supportive to her and offer encouragement for her to continue.
And I have to admit , the thought of them witnessing that cane they discovered, being used, does turn me on!

My other fantasy also involves onlookers – with Mistress exploiting her knack of embarrassing me in public. Only last week she tore me off a strip in an antiques store for getting in her way when she was trying to look at something. It was purely a show of his dominant role. Nothing more. I could tell she wasn’t angry – but just was in the mood to make me squirm.

We were stood right next to a younger, burly gentleman and his lady and I can remember wondering what they thought of my treatment. I did feel rather humiliated and felt myself just go redder and redder and get more and more sweaty! In years gone by I would have got very angry but I actually derived some pleasure (and stirrings down below) from the situation.

I’m not surprised, since I have had occasional fantasies where Mistress doesn’t just talk down to me, but also engages others in the shop and tells them how I’ll be punished later.

What’s interesting for me is that both fantasies involve my humiliation in front of others, probably because I know how much I’d struggle in a situation where I’d really would be way outside of my comfort zone.
Which is probably why my most recent fantasy fascinates me so much. It was triggered by petermacs in response to my post asking for suggestions of non-corporal punishments that could be employed if and when it is not possible to use or usual method of correction.

We share an interest in rubber and pvc rainwear and he knows I lack the confidence to wear any of my mackintoshes in public. So his suggestion for an alternative punishment would be, on a sunny day, for Mistress to dress me head to foot in pvc, with my mackintosh on top and then send me out to shop for specific items for her.

Even on a rainy day it would be difficult but on a sunny day it would be impossible for me. But ever since I’ve read his comments, I’ve not been able to stop asking myself, what if? And fantasizing about how I’d feel – and what responses I’d get in the shops. And the really stupid thing is I’ve even told Mistress about petermacs’ comments – almost willing it to happen.

The beauty of fantasies is that you can immerse yourself in them and enjoy them – even if they scare you a little. When fantasy starts to become reality then you had better be sure it’s what you really want because that’s when you’ll be in situations that you really will not enjoy at all. But maybe that’s a driver for someone who is both submissive and masochistic?

Thursday, 30 May 2013

A 'punishment' cushion?

Mistress looked as pleased as punch when she come home on Saturday from a shopping expedition. “I’ve bought you a present,” she said with glee.

She held up a carrier bag and slowly pulled from it, a blue vinyl cushion.

I held my breath and waited for an explanation. But one wasn’t needed. She turned the shiny side over to reveal a circle of rather sharp looking pimples moulded into the surface.

“What is it,” I finally asked, playing up to her excitement - while trying to find some interest in this cushion-shaped thing.

“I have no idea. I found it in a charity shop but it looks like it’ll be perfect for you to sit on when you are naughty.”

Looking at the studded side, I could imagine it would be rather uncomfortable. But I smiled and said, “Thank you Mistress.”

“I’m glad you are pleased because when I’m away on Thursday evening, you can spend all evening sitting on it. I know you'll be surfing all your favourite sites so this will be your penance. I want a full report on how it works. I want you to spend at least a couple of hours sat on it – no getting up at all. Do you understand?”

“Yes Mistress.”

So here I am, sat typing on the blue vinyl cushion. And I’m sure Mistress will love to know that after about half an hour it starts to make the bottom quite sore and after an hour it becomes very, very uncomfortable.

I did an internet search to discover they are used by physios for various rehabilitation exercises.

The studs are quite closely grouped so they don’t really stick in to one’s bottom cheeks but as an overall effect they create a stingy, uncomfortable feeling that just won’t go away. Because the cushion wobbles as you move it’s not easy to simply lift the bottom cheek to relieve pressure so, short of getting up, there is no respite. And Mistress did insist on at least two hours of this mild form of torture……

……Two hours in, I can vouch for the effectiveness of the cushion. It's not terribly painful - just uncomfortable, offering constant remainder that you are being punished.

I’d hate to have to perform this ritual after a good caning. The final hour was not at all pleasant and the sit-spot and the very tops of both thighs are really quite sore now.

Impressive though is the pattern left on my bottom cheeks. It’s quite spectacular.

Mistress will be pleased!

Friday, 17 May 2013

Non corporal punishments. A follow up

Since, for reasons best known to Blogger, it is impossible to use the Reply function on our blog right now - making it impossible to reply to any of the comments raised by my questions in the the previous post regarding non-corporal punishment - I thought it best to answer with a follow up post.

Dualpurpose said: 

“To busy, business travel, or bad back are not acceptable excuses for a respectful sub. If the back issue is serious, than corner time with panties at your ankles should remind you of your responsibilities. However, you do not have to be bent over to be spanked. 

If you have a medical problem; get it fixed quickly. Since this is Mother's Day, you need do a lot of special make-up things and take the pain if necessary.”

Dualpurpose, you are, of course, correct. There are no excuses for a respectful sub not measuring up and I agree corner time with panties around ankles is a good way to remind me of my place.
The reason we have not used any method corporal punishment recently is to avoid obvious marks since I’ve been consulting with a doctor and physio. 

Slave knickers said:

“Sorry to hear that things are a bit difficult just now, I hope that your back is soon better enough for your punishments to get back on track. I can't pretend it's any substitute for the cane, but I have been given corner time with six inch heels locked onto my feet, which after a while becomes very painful. One other punishment I have experienced is riding the rail, which basically involves sitting on a length of wood. Something like a broom handle is suspended in the air at each end, or balanced across two chairs. I have to stand with one leg on either side. Sometimes I'm allowed to be on tip toe, sometimes my feet dangle in the air. After a few minutes it's very, very painful, but leaves me unmarked. A google search might give some more details on this. I'm sure others will comeupwith much better punishments, but those were ones that sprung to my mind. Good luck.

Yes, slave knickers, heels do tend to be a bit tiresome. Riding the rail sounds horrible. I’ve read about it before and never considered it would become part of Mistress’ repertoire and, I hope, it will continue to be that way, even though she read your remarks.

K Rai posted two comments on a similar theme: 

“I posted an entry in Swedish on the matter of corporal punishment without leaving marks, hoping that google translate does a fair job: 

I was thinking of cock and anal. Ever tried electroplay? I think the machine is called teens. Used correctly it serves medical purpose for ppl with chronical illness, might help your back, used correctly otherwise it serves som funfor us Doms... I myself did not like it as good as caning my sub however...

"Clamps on your ears? For most ppl that’s painful, i am one of the rare few with insensitive ears... 

Id combine the clamps with chores or corner time. The longer they stay on the more they will hurt once removed ;)

I have several small ones from the book stores.

Sorry I can only come up with corporal punishments as that’s my thing, humiliation is not really my cup of tea. However there are lots of punishments that don’t leave marks..."

K Rai runs a great blog at and yes, Google Translate does a good enough job to enjoy reading the blog. There’s a complete post about punishment with no marks. We’re not interested in electro play but the idea of clamps and chores seemed to capture Mistress’ imagination.

Finally my good friend petermacs also posted a couple of comments: 

“I have the perfect idea for a punishment that you would love and hate in equal measure. Especially with a bad back, the slightest twinge on being whacked could do quite a lot of damage.

However, I would suggest to Mistress this following scenario.

Sunny warm day.

You are dressed underneath in shiny and noisy PVC with rubber riding boots.

You are then buttoned and belted into your SBR mac.

You are then given five things to buy from five different stores and sent off with the challenge to buy them - they can always be returned later - maybe as another punishment as retuning goods is harder than buying them.

In each store you would have to be dressed in your SBR mac as to do anything else would reveal even more peculiar clothes underneath.

Your humiliation would be exquisite and intense and the control over you from your Mistress would be complete.”

He followed it up with this gem: “You could also consider being forced to wear PVC/SBR if and when you have deliveries or work being done on the house.
For instance, should you have food delivered from Ocado, perhaps answering the door and taking delivery in full PVC regalia.

I had an experience of being dressed and tied up in a hotel room where my friend then ordered room service. Very distressing/thrilling/humiliating and it made me very aware of who was in charge!”

Oh Peter. How could you be so cruel? I thought we were friends? You know that I’ve a big hang-up about wearing my shiny mackintoshes in public. And Mistress knows it too. I can’t tell you how much of a glint in her eye she had when she read your comments. There mere idea of what you suggest fills me with absolute dread. I can’t honestly see Mistress demanding me to do such a thing, at least not in our hometown. After all she has to live here too and might not think a good idea for everyone to have seen me out and about dressed in an unusual way. But I can see her sending me out dressed like that when we’re on holiday – or even out for a day somewhere else. And that in itself would be bad enough.  

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Non corporal punishments

I’m sad to report that we’ve still not resumed our domestic discipline regime. It’s not through want of trying on either of us. I’m still having weekly physio sessions on a bad back and had a doctor’s appointment to see if there might be something more sinister that’s giving me the now persistent back problem. That is likely to entail a scan so until that’s resolved, Mistress and I feel it prudent for me not to sporting any cane marks.

It’s very frustrating since we both feel that corporal punishment is an integral part of our DD regime.
I know some might ask why contemplate being caned while suffering with a back problem? If you are bent over a bench and secured, you open out the back anyway to relieve the pain so it’s not an issue. But yes, while you are down with a persistent ache or pain anyway, the last thing on your mind is a good thrashing. And Mistress understands this.

Having said that, it doesn’t in anyway reduced that intense feeling of ‘need’ for the cane – no matter how horrible it may be receiving it. And it doesn’t help a relationship where use of the cane benefits the state of mind in both partners.

There are of course other sanctions possible and after a minor tiff last night we both recognized that our increased work stress, combined with the frustrations not being able to lead the home life we both need to come up with some short-term alternatives to keep me on track.

After our cross words I said to Mistress, “you would normally have cane me for that, wouldn’t you?”
She replied, “I wouldn’t just have caned you, I’d have thrashed you black and blue. But don’t think I’ll forget about you raising your voice.”

Mistress is out today and I’m going to be working the rest of the day but we’ve agreed to sit down and discuss some much-needed non-corporal disciplinary measures to see us through this period.

You would probably say that as an adult I should be able to manage my own discipline but as any of you in a real DD relationship know, there is always room for improvement, especially if the Lady of the house expects high standards.

The question is, what non-corporal punishments might be as effective as the corrective measures of the cane? Writing lines, apology letters, withdrawal of privileges, corner time, extra chores, mouth soaping, sissy clothing humiliation – even punishment pants?

Only recently we both laughed when I showed Mistress a pair of hessian ‘punishment’ bloomers on eBay!

But latter two seem like fetish indulgences rather that strict forms of correction -  though spending long hours in uncomfortable, effeminate attire might not be too pleasant.

We would be very interested to know what other effective methods couples in DD relationships might employ as an alterative to more traditional corporal punishments.