Saturday, 15 September 2012

The need for DD

It’s been an 'interesting' journey from living a very disciplined relationship to one with no discipline at all. Interesing if not the right word. Worrying would be more appopropriate. Neither Mistress nor I are happy about the situation but the fact is that circumstances, like our busy working lives and my minor health issue, helped put our DD regime on the backburner and we’ve allowed the flame to be all but snuffed out.

It’s not that we’ve dismissed DD altogether, the fact I’m sat here updating our blog with Mistress keeping an eye on what I’m writing, shows a deep inner commitment to it, but we’ve certainly let our disciplined ways slip for the time being.

I’m not proud to admit this; but I’ve regressed into my old lazy ways. There are layers of dust on surfaces in all the rooms. The Bathroom needs cleaning. There are things all over the house that should have been put away. The garden is a mess. Mistress refuses to touch any of them as they are my jobs. She has occasionally been doing the cooking and washing up and put out the bins. But always reminds me that they are my chores

I could argue that my health issues have kept me from doing as much as normal but if I’m really honest to myself, that would be a lie. Mistress knows this.

Worse still, you can feel the tension in the house. We have never, ever had crossed words or raised voices at each other but there have recently been extended quiet moments when I’ve disagreed with something Mistress wanted to do or wanted to done.

I’m ashamed to say it but there’s even been occasion when I’ve answered Mistress back –perhaps a normal everyday occurrence in a normal relationship - but one that would rightly earn you a good dose of the cane in a DD relationship.

I can also feel myself leading situations now, where in the past Mistress would. Case in point was out shopping just yesterday. Mistress wanted to walk home one way, I suggested we should go there other. She wasn’t happy and when I tried to push her the way she originally wanted to go, she stormed off in a huff.

In the past I would gone along with what she wanted without question, and if I hadn’t, I would have got ‘the look’ and my stomach would have been full of butterflies, knowing what would happen when we got home. I might even get a talking to in the street for maximum humiliation.

Instead, we walked home in stony silence. That most definitely is not us. But I also saw it as a message from Mistress that she’s not happy with me and things need to change.

Mistress, has a stressful job and DD was a good stress relief for her too. I know there were times when she’d come home and only really relax after giving me a really good beating. She no longer currently has that kind of release.

The problem I’m having is that now I’m back in my old ways, doing as a I please, I’m finding it really difficult to even contemplate asking Mistress if we can revert to our DD ways.

From the outset of my health issues, when we thought we would only temporarily suspend the use of corporal punishment in the house, Mistress put the onus on me to let her know when I felt fully fit to resume our weekly maintenance sessions.

I know people reading this will say, ‘just get on with it then,’ but I’m struggling because I know that once we do return to DD, it means a 36-stroke caning every Thursday and, I know this sounds obvious, a much more strictly controlled lifestyle. In effect I’ll be given up all my freedoms once again.
Now I know some will say, ‘but you can’t have a DD lifestyle on your terms.’ I know that but it doesn’t stop this agonising in my head.

Mistress and I have discussed this whole DD issue before and we’ve both agreed from the limited experience we have shared in this, that it’s a lifestyle for us that can only be embraced fully or, as we’ve now experienced, things fall apart rapidly. That’s why we started maintenance sessions, to help keep that focus.

For a long time my weekly sessions were bearable. I never looked forward to them but I enjoyed the cathartic effect if had on me and Mistress. But I found there came a point when I really couldn’t face being caned yet again, and had a feeling of dread that Thursday is approaching.

That was strange because one thing that I always searched for was to experience what it would be like to be punished for real – to have no say in any part of it; the amount of strokes, the implement(s), the severity. And I had this ‘need’ to suffer.

People will say ‘then reappraise the maintenance sessions’ but I go back to what I’ve said, if we don’t embrace this fully, then it doesn’t work for us. It’s always been my belief that if you are going to use corporal punishment as a mean to rectify faults in an adult, then that punishment has to be feared – otherwise it won’t have the desired effect.

Back when we first started playing CP games, the cane was something to enjoy. Of course it hurt but the thrashings were playful affairs – not all the strokes were delivered in one session for a start. We engaged in other pleasurable activities in between.

But once we decided that the use of the cane should be for real faults, then the landscape changed dramatically. Not only were the total number of strokes condensed into one sitting (bending?), the severity of the strokes increased and the atmosphere surrounding these sessions became much more serious – and meaningful.

I know I’ve been over and over this same ground, but when I’m sitting here, thinking about the whole situation, I wonder, ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ I have in Mistress, a caring, loving partner. Our ‘normal’ relationship is spot-on. She has fully embraced my CP interests way beyond what I ever dreamed of. I have someone I care for deeply and want to show that love and respect.

Yet how many times have you heard ‘be careful what you wish for?’ At times I do feel like I’ve bitten off more than my bottom (or mind) can take – but then, deep down, I think that once I do have the courage to asked Mistress to resume our DD, everything will fall back into place.

One thing is certain, I need to get my attitude back on track and we both need to rediscover that focus in our relationship. And reduce the stress in our lives. Both of us know that DD helped us achieve that in the past.  Having sat and explored all this on screen, I now know what I need to do.

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