Sunday, 16 September 2012

Six key points to revive our DD regime

With Mistress away on business for a couple of days since I wrote the last blog post, it’s given me a lot of thinking time and last night I posed myself a question, if we do resume our Domestic Discipline lifestyle - and we embrace it as we did before, how could it become more effective and work for both of us?

First thing, I respect that there are not yet any guarantees we will resume, since that is ultimately a decision Mistress will take.

However, I think I know her well enough that she wants to get back to DD as much as I do – if only to get me back on the straight and narrow!

Essentially, I don’t think there was anything too wrong with how our DD regime worked before my health blip. But there always can be improvements.

I think the one major thing is that we both accept that this requires 100% commitment from both parties to work.

I definitely need to remember my place and remember the three main tenants of our regime: Mistress is always right. Never say no to Mistress. Never argue with Mistress. They probably amount to the same thing but those were the top three rules we drew up in a huge list when we first embarked on this DD lifestyle. We found most of them largely found superfluous because if you live this lifestyle you instinctively know what is right and what isn’t.

I’m ashamed to admit that in recent weeks that I’ve been guilty of ignoring those three rules and many other unwritten ones on a persistent basis.

Secondly I need to stop taking Mistress for granted. I need to pay more attention to Mistress’ needs and afford her more respect than of late.

Our ‘vanilla’ relationship is perfect, so why need a DD regime? Because we’ve found it brings us closer together and is a great way to relieving any kind of tension of stress in the home. But it does take some hard work and focus to maintain it.

The whole point of a female led relationship is that the submissive male should lavish that extra bit more love and care on the lady of the house and make her feel special. I see it also as my place to do chores that Mistress either doesn’t enjoy – or hasn’t the time to attend to. I’ve been very lacking in that area of late.

On Mistress’ side I think she could be more assertive and much stricter. I know that’s something all sub males might fantasize about in a dominant partner but if Mistress has a fault, it is that she is too loving and caring.

She is, after all, still finding her way in this lifestyle. Remember, she knew nothing of corporal punishment games when we first met, let alone a full-on DD regime, so she’s come one heck of a long way in a relatively short time. I’m really proud of her, and love her very much.

But assertive in her role is absolutely essential. I need to know that when Mistress says do this or don’t do that she really means it. And adopting a strict, no nonsense approach reinforces the assertiveness. We’re also talking about a need for consistency too so this needs a 24/7 mindset – for both of us.

I can adopt a very prickly, offish and sometimes nasty attitude (which I’m not proud of) if I’m pushed into do something I don’t want to do in my work so maybe Mistress is unsure how far to push me. I think she also fears the rejection of me saying no to her commands. I’ve done this in the past but we’ve gone past that .But I think the possibility of rejection is still an issue.

So, assuming I get my act together and start behaving like the submissive I claim to want to be, and Mistress becomes more assertive what, practically, do I think needs to happen?

1. We need to sit down and re-evaluate our DD regime – just to ensure we are both of the same mindset and remind us why we want this and what the ground rules are.

2. We need to re-establish our Thursday evening maintenance punishment routine. That formed a corner-stone of the regime because it was a point of focus for an entire week.

I think it needs to continue to be a minimum number of 36 strokes, applied full-force, with the thin Dragon cane – as we originally agreed was necessary. But obviously Mistress can add extras if required.

I also think the dreaded thin Dragon needs to be reserved solely for the purpose of  this maintenance punishment. It’s by far the most potent weapon in Mistress’ cupboard of implements. We have plenty of other tools that can be used at other times.

The one change I’d suggest to Mistress is that the 36 strokes would be delivered in one batch. I know I’ll regret saying that, but what happened before was Mistress used to deliver them in three batches – the middle batch rapid fire. I understand it is her prerogative to punish as she sees fit but the maintenance session, we agreed, was something to be feared to attain that focus. And as such there needs to be some kind of ‘judicial’ rule how that punishment is delivered. Haphazard caning methods didn’t achieve that effect.

3. The fact we have a weekly maintenance punishment should not preclude Mistress using corporal or other forms of punishment at any other time should circumstances warrant it. Maintenance offers a point of focus and is punishment for all the minor infractions that happen during a week.

4. I need to focus on my chores. But it would be helpful if Mistress enforced some kind of routine and I think Thursday evening could become a focus for that, following maintenance punishment. The routine could be to get changed into clothes befitting servitude as soon as I get home from work. Punishment would follow immediately before tea. That would leave the evening for chores. I think it would help to draw up a list of regular chores that are expected of me, plus a ‘to do’ list. That list could be monitored on a weekly basis by Mistress.

5. I believe we urgently need Boot Camp to reinforce the commitment from both sides. We’ve tried Boot Camp before over a long weekend and its intensity really is an effective tool. It is very, very tough, mentally and physically, on both sides. For Mistress it means enforcing every last little rule and picking up on anything and everything. That in itself is hard work. And for myself it’s so hard to ensure everything is 100% to Mistress’ demands. Boot Camp means no fault goes unpunished so there is a fair bit of pain to endure. However it is a truly effective way of restoring order in the house and I think absolutely essential, given our current situation. The period of Boot Camp needs discussion but it should be a minimum of three days.

6. There’s two personal areas where Mistress cold really help me. I need to loose weight and I need to curb my spending. As I have a total lack of will-power it would really help if Mistress helped with some kind of routine and targets. We can work together on the weight loss with Mistress taking control of my diet and ensuring I keep a regular gym programme. My spending habits can be controlled if I have  to ask permission before buying luxury goods – and being limited to a weekly allowance that can be easily checked through my bank statements by Mistress.

Summing up, if we are going to continue, we need to return to the 24/7 DD we had but with much more consistency. Mistress needs to adopt a more assertive, stricter role. I need to apply myself better to my chores, and become much more thoughtful, caring and in tune with Mistress’ needs.

I’d love to hear what others think of my thoughts and the six points I’ve laid out. Mistress and I plan to discuss things when she returns and it would be good to add some of your feedback.

As a point of interest, I found this list of household chores on Disciplined Boyfriend’s blog
They pretty much cover mine too and I think the list makes a great starting point.

Make bed
Clean toilet
Clean bath
Cook meals
Clean kitchen
Tidy lounge
Put out rubbish to bin
Put out recycling to bin
Tidy bedroom
Do laundry – bedding, towels and clothing

Saturday, 15 September 2012

The need for DD

It’s been an 'interesting' journey from living a very disciplined relationship to one with no discipline at all. Interesing if not the right word. Worrying would be more appopropriate. Neither Mistress nor I are happy about the situation but the fact is that circumstances, like our busy working lives and my minor health issue, helped put our DD regime on the backburner and we’ve allowed the flame to be all but snuffed out.

It’s not that we’ve dismissed DD altogether, the fact I’m sat here updating our blog with Mistress keeping an eye on what I’m writing, shows a deep inner commitment to it, but we’ve certainly let our disciplined ways slip for the time being.

I’m not proud to admit this; but I’ve regressed into my old lazy ways. There are layers of dust on surfaces in all the rooms. The Bathroom needs cleaning. There are things all over the house that should have been put away. The garden is a mess. Mistress refuses to touch any of them as they are my jobs. She has occasionally been doing the cooking and washing up and put out the bins. But always reminds me that they are my chores

I could argue that my health issues have kept me from doing as much as normal but if I’m really honest to myself, that would be a lie. Mistress knows this.

Worse still, you can feel the tension in the house. We have never, ever had crossed words or raised voices at each other but there have recently been extended quiet moments when I’ve disagreed with something Mistress wanted to do or wanted to done.

I’m ashamed to say it but there’s even been occasion when I’ve answered Mistress back –perhaps a normal everyday occurrence in a normal relationship - but one that would rightly earn you a good dose of the cane in a DD relationship.

I can also feel myself leading situations now, where in the past Mistress would. Case in point was out shopping just yesterday. Mistress wanted to walk home one way, I suggested we should go there other. She wasn’t happy and when I tried to push her the way she originally wanted to go, she stormed off in a huff.

In the past I would gone along with what she wanted without question, and if I hadn’t, I would have got ‘the look’ and my stomach would have been full of butterflies, knowing what would happen when we got home. I might even get a talking to in the street for maximum humiliation.

Instead, we walked home in stony silence. That most definitely is not us. But I also saw it as a message from Mistress that she’s not happy with me and things need to change.

Mistress, has a stressful job and DD was a good stress relief for her too. I know there were times when she’d come home and only really relax after giving me a really good beating. She no longer currently has that kind of release.

The problem I’m having is that now I’m back in my old ways, doing as a I please, I’m finding it really difficult to even contemplate asking Mistress if we can revert to our DD ways.

From the outset of my health issues, when we thought we would only temporarily suspend the use of corporal punishment in the house, Mistress put the onus on me to let her know when I felt fully fit to resume our weekly maintenance sessions.

I know people reading this will say, ‘just get on with it then,’ but I’m struggling because I know that once we do return to DD, it means a 36-stroke caning every Thursday and, I know this sounds obvious, a much more strictly controlled lifestyle. In effect I’ll be given up all my freedoms once again.
Now I know some will say, ‘but you can’t have a DD lifestyle on your terms.’ I know that but it doesn’t stop this agonising in my head.

Mistress and I have discussed this whole DD issue before and we’ve both agreed from the limited experience we have shared in this, that it’s a lifestyle for us that can only be embraced fully or, as we’ve now experienced, things fall apart rapidly. That’s why we started maintenance sessions, to help keep that focus.

For a long time my weekly sessions were bearable. I never looked forward to them but I enjoyed the cathartic effect if had on me and Mistress. But I found there came a point when I really couldn’t face being caned yet again, and had a feeling of dread that Thursday is approaching.

That was strange because one thing that I always searched for was to experience what it would be like to be punished for real – to have no say in any part of it; the amount of strokes, the implement(s), the severity. And I had this ‘need’ to suffer.

People will say ‘then reappraise the maintenance sessions’ but I go back to what I’ve said, if we don’t embrace this fully, then it doesn’t work for us. It’s always been my belief that if you are going to use corporal punishment as a mean to rectify faults in an adult, then that punishment has to be feared – otherwise it won’t have the desired effect.

Back when we first started playing CP games, the cane was something to enjoy. Of course it hurt but the thrashings were playful affairs – not all the strokes were delivered in one session for a start. We engaged in other pleasurable activities in between.

But once we decided that the use of the cane should be for real faults, then the landscape changed dramatically. Not only were the total number of strokes condensed into one sitting (bending?), the severity of the strokes increased and the atmosphere surrounding these sessions became much more serious – and meaningful.

I know I’ve been over and over this same ground, but when I’m sitting here, thinking about the whole situation, I wonder, ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ I have in Mistress, a caring, loving partner. Our ‘normal’ relationship is spot-on. She has fully embraced my CP interests way beyond what I ever dreamed of. I have someone I care for deeply and want to show that love and respect.

Yet how many times have you heard ‘be careful what you wish for?’ At times I do feel like I’ve bitten off more than my bottom (or mind) can take – but then, deep down, I think that once I do have the courage to asked Mistress to resume our DD, everything will fall back into place.

One thing is certain, I need to get my attitude back on track and we both need to rediscover that focus in our relationship. And reduce the stress in our lives. Both of us know that DD helped us achieve that in the past.  Having sat and explored all this on screen, I now know what I need to do.