Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Nervous anticipation

I have to admit I’ve never been so nervous about an upcoming punishment session. It’s Thursday tomorrow, as Mistress has taken great delight in reminding me three times already today, and I’m due another 36 with the cane.

Sunday’s session is still weighing heavily on my mind – the sheer venom with which she delivered my maintenance punihsment, and then added 12 more for faults that I’d committed that week was, as I’ve said, a real big step forward in our regime.

I suspect most of you submissive males with a similar interests will know that the anticipation manifests itself as extreme excitement one second and a horrible sick feeling in the pit of the stomach the next.  

Mistress even insisted last night that should be ‘dressing up’ in the evenings this week – which means my baggy pvc bloomers under one of my shiny black raincoats. She knows how much I enjoy indulging in my rainwear fetish but also knows the poignancy of those horrible pants that are intrinsically linked in my head to punishment. She always insists I parade in front of her and takes great delight in having a little giggle at my outfit.

 So I didn’t really need any reminder, I’ve been thinking about Thursday since last Sunday night but that’s the whole point. It’s definitely keeping me on my toes and thinking about things a lot more. 36 is painful enough so to get extras again would really not be a good idea. But the mood Mistress is in, I’m not sure she won’t just add extras for the sake of it – which of course she is perfectly entitled to.

I’m not sure what exactly is going on. Mistress has definitely been in a different frame of mind this past week to ten days – much more authoritarian than ever before. We’ve not really had time to discuss why, or even if, there is any real change. Perhaps it’s just my perception but either way, it’s had an effect on the entire balance of our relationship.

Mistress has a lot of work pressure at the moment so maybe I’m her target as a means venting steam? Or maybe she’s simply become fed up with my lax ways?

It could just be that our neighbours are on holiday and Mistress no longer has to worry about how much I squirm and squeal and she can finally deliver the kind of punishment she has always wanted to. There’s something in that because both of us are acutely aware that the noise carries between our two houses. If that’s the case we need to move to a detached house!

The only sure way to find out is to see what tomorrow brings, then talk things over in detail and then see how things develop in subsequent weeks.

From a personal point of view, even though things are tougher for me, I’d be more than delighted to carry on like this. It feels like we both have real direction and focus right now – and an intensity of love and affection that’s really quite enjoyable.

Whatever the reasons, I’m trying to improve my performance by doing more chores and today I’ve several things that desperately need sorting around the house. To not do them would certainly warrant extras on Thursday so I’m going to sign off now and tend to them.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

The grim determination of a Goddess

I’ve often wondered what the scene looks like - or sounds like when Mistress is caning me. How determined is she applying each stroke with severity and accuracy. How much do I really writhe around. And how loud is that cane swich and crack - and how strident my comlaints?

We don’t have a video camera but it would be good to record just how well she delivers a punishment caning.

I occasionally watch F/m corporal punishment clips, but those with real couples but they are few and far between.

But there is something intensely intimate about a woman caning a man. I was recently sat watching an old 2007 Goddess Tara clip called Evil Caning – just studying the dynamic between the dominatrix, gloriously clad in her PVC catsuit and thigh boots with her hapless slave chained by his hands above the rafters and naked apart from a leather face mask with eye and mouth holes (and doubtless paying for the privilage - nothing worng in that either)

As I watch, I think of myself and Mistress. How we act out similar punishments every week.

The Governess begins with the thinnest of canes and a fast tempo of strokes, gradually increasing in intensity from soft taps to full blooded strokes. She stops mid flow to nonchalantly tuck in the lacing on the sleeve of her cat suit. The slave can wait. I love her disdainful look.

He takes breath and calms himself to wait for next onslaught.

He doesn’t have to wait long. The caning resumes. Her face is grim set. Sheer concentration. She’s aiming blows with full force. It’s not coming from her arms but her whole body. She flexes her knees, gives a little jink at the hips and lashes the cane down. Sitting here it’s pure fascination to see  this shiny black clad dominant is action. I feel for the slave. But long to be in his place.

Her determination to do the job correctly is impressive. She reminds me of Mistress. But Mistress wouldn’t wrap the cane. She’s not as vicious. Though sometimes I wish she were.

The slave struggles to cope. I admire his fortitude. I could not be so brave. As it is, each stroke forces a hiss of air from deep in his throat. As a fellow sufferer you can only guess at the way the pain is building with each stroke. I wonder how a man can knowingly submit to such an onslaught, but of course, I know.

She walks to the front and teases his flaccid penis with her cane. Then there’s click of her heels as she walks to the corner of the room. She picks up three canes then walks back to her plaything. She offers him a choice of which one to continue with but makes up his mind by telling him it’s going to be the thinnest, whippiest that’s going to cut his buttocks next.

You feel his dread as she lines up behind him. His chest is heaving.  The strokes are applied at a consistent pace. One every two seconds. No time to recover. The pain is relentless.

Her grim-set lips break into a smile when the slave finally breaks and cries out, broken. Her goal has been achieved. And maybe his too.

He's already had 80 - I counted them. ‘Right, ten more,’ she states. Each of the first three result in groans. Each stroke his body arches forward. Each stroke Governess cocks her head forward to check his face – but it’s hidden behind the mask otherwise she would see tears welling up. Pure agony.

She casually flexes the thin rod between her fingers, giving him precious moments to recover his composure. Then comes the final few in an incredibly volley. The slave’s moans are getting louder.  There's real desparation in those sounds. And then it’s all over.

She surveys the ridges that stripe his bottom – and the horrible blackened edges where the thin cane has wrapped his hips.

His breathing calms and she walks to the front of him, gently caressing his nipples and waist. His pain is over. For now.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Extra punishment

Tonight I received my maintenance punishment, postponed from Thursday. I knew, when Mistress came back from afternoon tea with a friend of hers, she was in a mean mood.

Mistress normally has a happy, outgoing, chatty persona but when she’s in the mood to cane me, she adopts a very authoritarian attitude. No smiles, No chat. She just barks her orders.

Even before that I already knew I was in trouble. Her last words leaving the house were, ‘I want you to make a list of all the things  you’ve failed to do this past week or things you’ve done badly, and a list of all the good things. We’ll discuss them before your punishment tonight.’

By the end of the morning, the only good point in my favour was cleaning downstairs that very day, my performance the rest of the week was abysmal, including raising my voice on Monday night when I was preparing tea.

At 8.00pm, Mistress told me to fetch the cane – and added, ‘bring your restraints, you’ll need them tonight.’
I stood before Mistress in my punishment pants and was told to read my list of failings aloud. I only got through the first item – the raised voice issue – when she stopped me. ‘Right, so far everything you’ve said about Monday night is about you. It fails to mention you had no thoughts for my feelings that evening – the fact that I’d had a difficult day at work. That to me shows just how selfish you are.’

She wasn’t wrong of course and, in a way, I knew I deserved what was coming.

Mistress wasn’t wrong about the restraints. I can honestly say she has never caned me so hard  - ever. Not only was she seemingly able to find more venom in each stroke than I’d experienced, she also gave me no time to recover. Normally she knows I struggle and relents after every 12 to let me catch breath. Not this time.

I totally wimped out. Not only was I making a bit of a fuss, my breathing was all over the place and I thought at one stage I was going to by physically sick. I grunted and groaned so hard my throat was sore and dry at the end.

When I was released from the bench Mistress told me to leave it where it was, ‘I’ve not finished,’ she said.
An hour later I was over the bench again. This time no restraints. ‘Let’s see if you’ve learned some self control,’ she said.

 I got 12 more. Equally as hard – and really painful on top of an already sore bottom. I’ve never known my bottom sting for so long after being caned.

Afterwards Mistress admitted she had thoroughly enjoyed thrashing me and that she’d used a new technique with the cane – using less arm action and more wrist action. I don’t know where she came up with that idea because she’s not one for surfing the net and we don’t have any magazines or books on the subject. I have to say though, her caning technique certainly made an impression on me tonight.

On reflection I think tonight was another big step forward in our FLR. I saw a big change in Mistress tonight. She took none of my messing around and stuck to the task. That slightly frightens me, especially with my next maintenance punishment on Thursday but in another way I’m really happy with this development.

I’ve always thought that if this FLR is going to work then Mistress has to be a bit ruthless and lead the regime and I have to work harder to please her. Mistress is obviously doing just that. It’s just me not pulling my weight.

Mistress’ final words on the subject were: ‘You have four days to improve your performance or you’ll be getting extras again.’

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Topping from the bottom?

Lady Grey raised an interesting question about my last blog post where I mentioned that since the implementation of our weekly maintenance punishment I was no longer being restrained.

It was something I had suggested to Mistress initially and we had decided to go along with. Lady Grey questioned whether this was a subtle form of topping from the bottom and, I have to admit, it probably is.
These are Lady Grey’s observations.

"You say that you're not using restraints in the maintenance sessions, and evidently this strengthens your personal sense of commitment to these sessions. The implication is that it takes more intestinal fortitude to endure the caning if you're not restrained, and shows your willingness to take what is doled out without breaking your position of physical submission. I'd imagine that the mental aspects of controlling your response without restraints is also satisfying to you with its clear implication of mental strength as well as physical.
Hmmm. I have to ask...just whom are you doing this for? Is this strictly for your own benefit so that you can feel good about yourself and your ability to take it "unforced and unfettered"? How does your wife feel about this? Is any of this at her behest? It sems you suggested it and acted upon it without asking her what she preferred. Or did you just leave out the fact that there was a discussion about restraints?
I think you know where I'm going with this. Is this not a subtle form of topping from the bottom while acting the "hero" for your ability to deal with the pain without restraint? If I were in your wife's position and my husband attempted to unilaterally decide the question of restraints....well, I assure you that it would not be a pretty situation for him. I'd be interested in your (and her) response.”
Lady Grey subsequently made this comment after re-reading my original post.
"As a follow up to my previous comment, I've re-read your posting and though you merely said you'd suggested the lack of restraints and acted upon same, it seems quite possible that you were implying that there was indeed a discussion that might have led to her agreeing. If so, I apologize for my assumption that this was strictly your doing. Is that what happened?"
Lady Grey has no need to apologise. She is correct in her assessment that it is I who suggested the idea of no restraints. Mistress and I briefly discussed this and it was agreed we would try it. Mistress has always been annoyed by two things when she punishes me, one is my writhing around because she takes great pride in supplying me with an accurate set of lines across my bottom. And secondly, she gets very annoyed when I become vocal. I think that’s down more to worrying about my well being.

So in return for the gift of punishment, I’m trying to improve my ‘performance’ so she can enjoy laying on the cane without too much fuss from me.

Lady Grey suggests that I may have suggested this in order to feel better about myself and I’m sure there could be something in what she says. When I was at school, the cane was used infrequently. I escaped being on the receiving end – but it'ssomething I wish I’d experienced because maybe I’d have not had such enthusiasm for it in my adult life

But it seemed to me that post-caning talk at school was dominated by discussion of ‘how many strokes’, ‘did he take it without crying,’ so there could be a subconscious  desire for me to be ‘brave’ as Lady Grey

But it’s very difficult to come across as brave when you present yourself before Mistress, offering he the cane, wearing nothing more than baggy PVC bloomers (my punishment pants – which Mistress does pull down for the caning by the way). Then three or four times during the caning you’ve shot bolt upright, you gasp or moan after every stroke and when you face Mistress afterward for a lecture, the corners or your eyes are moist where you’ve grimaces so much!

The thing about our relationship is that I’ve had a very keen interest in corporal punishment since I can remember. I’ve always been excited by the idea of dominant women. But, I fell in love with my partner because I just wanted to be with her for the person she was and the thing we had together. At that time, she showed absolutely no signs of being a dominant lady, apart from occasionally being a little 'bossy'.

Very early in our relationship I told her about my interests because I knew sooner or later it would come out and I thought best be honest rather than sometime down the line wrecking our relationship with a shock horror revelation she might not be able to cope with. She had no idea that adults played CP games but embraced my interests fully. Mistress hates housework, cooking etc – in fact any household chores - so for her to find someone like me, willing to do them, is heaven for her.

But once we started playing CP games, it was obvious she enjoyed the role of dominant and began putting her spin on how things played out.

However, Lady Grey is correct in her assessment that I have topped from the bottom – and continue to do so.  I do offer ideas, Mistress and I discuss them and they are either discarded or implemented. But then Mistress comes up with ideas too – which we always follow!

It would be interesting know how it works in other relationships.  How often is it that the female is the one initiating an FLR? If it’s the male who initiates it, how does the relationship develop to the point where the female is truley in charge? Is it like ours where the male still tends to lead – or is it usually the way that the female takes full control? I’m sure every relationship works in a different way.

Is ours a true FLR? Probably not. I’m well aware I need to behave in a much more submissive manner. I'm not talking out of turn to suggest Mistress could be morre authoritarian. But then would I rebel agasint that authority? Would Mistress find that too difficult and not even like the fact I was too submissive?

I know I definitely need to think more of Mistress and what her wants and needs might be. But maybe that’s why we’re on this journey – to try and instill more of that into me. I am selfish and I am headstrong. I know where I need to be but it’s a long road getting there.

That’s why I was the one who suggested we begin using CP as a way to correct my real faults, rather than just playing CP games of an evening.

The problem with we both struggled to fit the discipline around our regular lives and, I mentioned Michael M’s suggestion of routine maintenance punishments and Mistress told me to draw up some kind of regime.
The interesting thing about this new regime is that Mistress is the one insisting on carrying it out. If we miss our Thursday, 8.00pm slot, she is the one who reschedules – and insists that all 36 strokes are applied. I’ve also noticed Mistress is now more authoritarian than she ever used to be. I think she’s thoroughly enjoying herself. So am I and no matter what route you follow in an FLR as long as both are happy then that’s all that matters isn’t it?

But I’ll take on board Lady Grey’s comments. It’s always a wonderful help to have others willing offering their wealth of experience. Thank you Lady Grey.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

No restraint for caning

One thing I forget to mention in my latest blog is that we’ve not been using any restraints for my maintenance punishments.

That probably doesn’t sound very much but it’s a big step forward for me – and it was my suggestion to Mistress that we should try it.

I’m not the bravest submissive in the world - I’m actually a first grade wimp - and for someone who rarely goes a day without fantasising of the most extreme thrashings, when it comes down to it, I cope with the fantasy much better than the reality.

But in my own head I felt that trying to take my punishment with good grace was all part of the overall regime so I suggested to Mistress we should not use them for the maintenance sessions.

The result is that while I do break from my bending position over the bench during punishment, I have the fortitude to resume my position immediately.

I do miss that rather poignant moment when Mistress clips  my wrists in place but for me, taking my punishment  unrestrained has become an important issue and is no an integral part of the entire submissive act of accepting these weekly canings.

I know I should have always had this kind of acceptance but I just wonder if any others out there have undergone this change of attitude?

Weekly caning

Our maintenance punishment regime is working well. Well in as much as we have a routine and if we can’t meet our Thursday 8.00pm ‘appointment’ we re-arrange it.

Last week we re-scheduled for Sunday. I honestly didn’t feel like suffering a caning come Sunday evening and didn’t even hint at the impending appointment on Sunday evening but halfway through the day, Mistress picked me up on a brief argument we had had earlier that day in the car and added, ‘and don’t think you’ll get away with it. It’s your punishment session tonight. Even if you’ve forgotten it, or are trying to forget it, I haven’t.”

I think that said a lot about our new regime. Mistress has embraced it fully. I don’t believe she’s been caning me absolutely full force – or course she hasn’t – but she’s certainly not  been sparing me either and I think she’s really enjoying the freedom it gives her.

By that I mean it’s taken the pressure off knowing when and when not to cane.

For me it’s daunting, knowing there is now no escape. It might not be full force but 36 hard strokes, hard enough to leave purple stripes, is a painful experience. And it’s going to happen every week regardless.

I wish I’d not suggested we use the same cane for this aspect of our corporal punishment activities because the thin Dragon does really bite.

But I wouldn’t wish it any other way.

Sunday’s punishment actually did me good. We had cross words in the car early that day, basically because Mistress was stressed and was having a go at me fro some insignifanct thing – but instead of taking on board her moments of stress, I reacted badly and also became angry. That’s definitely not allowed in our relationship. As the cane strokes fell, I willing embraced  them as a correction for my faults.

It’s obvious I’ve still a long way to go before I can honestly claim to be a true submissive. Maybe I never will be able to do that but I think Sunday helped show me I’m heading in the right direction. It’s just the ability to stop myself and assess the situation before I open my mouth.

But at least we have mechanism in place to deal with these faults. Imagine, without it, that kind of exchange in the car could have led to days of sulking (on my part). Instead it was sorted in a few minutes.

I do love this lifestyle. How did I come to deserve such a wonderful woman?

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Explaining why I deserve punishment

I was catching up on some FLR blogs tonight and settled back to read some of the latest thoughts from Kathy at femdom101 – always a good source of topics. In her recent post ‘My Take – Punishments’ she talks about how to ensure punishment is effective, beyond the actual physical effect.

And I have to say these two paragraphs sounded like something that could enhance our current maintenance punishment sessions.

“At the end of a punishment session it is always a good idea to have your boy repeat back to you the reasons for his punishment. Liz (one of Kathy’s friends I believe) reminded me of having him do this in his own words. Sometimes a guy will just want to put his head down, and parrot back to you the reasons why he was punished. If your guy starts to do this, instruct him to respond it in his own words. Ask him questions. After a punishment session Liz will ask her husband if there is anything else that she needs to know about. In other words Liz will come out and ask her husband if there is anything else he did wrong that she is not yet aware of.

”Liz tells me that you would be absolutely surprised to hear how much her husband confesses to. As a general rule there is nothing really bad. Like John, her husband has been in a fem dom relationship for a number of years, and punishment occurs infrequently. Never the less she has learned to use a punishment session as a way of bringing her husband closer to her. She also uses the end of a punishment session as a time to cuddle and caress her husband. Liz tells me this puts him in a highly submissive type of mood.  She tells her husband that she wants to be proud of him. When he misbehaves it creates friction in their marriage.”

In our new regime, the punishment is purely for maintenance but, as I’ve said before, I think both of us realize that our busy schedule prohibit on-the-spot-punishment for rule breaking so this weekly session is a good way not only to remind me of my place, but also to remind me of my faults.

So maybe the way we could adopt Kathy’s idea is for Mistress and I to discuss my faults as they occur during the week and for me to explain what faults my maintenance punishment is to help eradicate.

So for example this week, I know I was at fault for not putting the rubbish bin out this week. I didn’t put the garden cuttings bin out either – as instructed. And I’ve been very slack in cleaning the house of late. So already the faults are toting up and that’s without Mistresses take on my behaviour. You could argue I shouldn’t need to cane to remind me of these faults. But, as I’ve said before, living in an FLR does help you regain a focus. It’s just that sometimes it takes a painful awakening to remember one’s place.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Early morning caning

Maintenance punishments are harder to organise than we thought they would be. It took us until this Monday morning to find a suitable time when both of us were actually home or not busy when it should have taken place last Thursday.

So I’m sat here at the start of a couple of days off from work with a very warm bottom  - with the prospect of another dose booked for Thursday morning  - because Mistress and I are both away from lunchtime that day for a few days.

Today’s session should have been yesterday but – at my request - we put it off because there was so much work to be done and Mistress only decided we would reschedule for this morning while we were cuddling up in bed, thinking about getting up.

I was barely awake at around 7.00am when Mistress said, ‘I think you should have your punishment at 8.30am.’ I didn’t argue and went over the bench at the set time for the prescribed 36.

The thin Dragon isn’t nice and, even what I could tell were lighter strokes placed in the crease between my bottom cheek and the top of my thigh, stung like hell.

Kealah commented on our sessions that full force cane strokes on a regular basis might cause damage which got me thinking our idea of full force is obviously not the same as others though my punishments leave me sweating and breathing heavily so they are definitely painful enough to create an impression.

And while I have some vivid deep red marks, with some blacker stripes, it’s only after many strokes than my skin is ever grazed. And my marks do tend to fade quickly.

Kealah also said she feared that punishment strokes on top of these weekly maintenance sessions would be too much and questioned why the maintenance needs to be so severe.

There are three basic reasons for us adopting this regime: The first is to remind me who is actually in charge in the house and make sure I think of Mistress and not just myself (I’m basically a very selfish person).

The second is to stop me bratting. As I’ve said before I do reach a point occasionally when I have a really need for the cane and, consciously or sub-consciously begin to behave in a very negative manner in the house.

 Finally it is to take the pressure off both of us. In the past I’ve wanted the cane but not quite sure how to ask (hence the bratting) but there have been times too when Mistress has wanted to cane me but didn’t know if it was quite the right time. The agreement we have is that this is happening, one way or another.

A good example is this week. As I’ve said we’re both away on business – Mistress leaves Thursday lunchtime – so we’ve just discussed the plan for this week and agreed the next punishment will take place on Thursday morning.

It’s too early to say how this is all going to work out but I  think the answer is, as this past week has proved, is that what is currently termed maintenance will replace other punishment sessions.

Mistress and I discussed my general attitude yesterday and she picked up on some faults so this morning’s session wasn’t just punishment for the sake of it had some real meaning and I think, with our busy schedules, this routine of a weekly caning could easily become the prime measure to correct my faults.