Things haven’t got any better since my lost post and I feel like every time I’ve written in recent weeks, I’m just saying the same thing. However, I like to keep my blog updated so, many apologies if I am repeating myself.
It’s been a difficult few weeks for Mistress and I. We’ve been apart for so much in the past month or so and when we’ve been together, invariably one or both of us has been busy.
But on the couple of occasions we have spent what should have been quality time, it has been spoilt by having our minds on other things.
We were out window shopping the other day and both had a mind for what we really wanted to do with the day. I didn’t think either of us communicated our thoughts too well at breakfast and our trip escalated into a real air of tension – something that almost never happens between us.
I have to take the lion’s share of the blame because Mistress wasn’t too worried what we did. I had a more concrete idea but I was my usual indecisive self and didn’t speak up. Instead I began to sulk. That is a big non, no with Mistress.
At one point, as we wandered aimlessly around the town, she looked at me in a really angry way – a look I’d not really seen before - and said; “I wish I had a whip with my right now. You’d get such a thrashing.”
She meant it. And the venom with which she said it shook me. But I’ve still not suffered that thrashing.
It’s a thrashing I thoroughly deserve though because in the past four weeks or so I have become complacent and I have forgotten my place. Even I’ve noticed how argumentative I’ve become, questioning Mistress on a couple of occasions.
My faults have been noted.
It’s not that I do it deliberately but I’ve definitely been ignoring our rules and have begun to get above myself.
Now I feel like a child needing a reminder of how to behave. Or perhaps I’m aware of my fallibility and having some kind of corrective measures available means I can rely on it to keep me on track? Am I too dependent on it? Do I, as one with masochistic desires, happily stray, sub-consciously knowing I have a partner who is more than willing to correct me?
It gets worse. A couple of days ago Mistress asked me to pick something up for her on the way home. I forgot. Another big black mark. And rightly so.
I’ve allowed focussing on work mean not focussing on Mistress and she’s said several times she’s far from happy with my attitude and has said that she intends to do something about it when the time is right.
That’s the trouble with trying to live within this kind of relationship – and carry on with everyday life. Ideally any tiny issue could be resolved in a few moments if there were no outside influences. But instead things drag on and just seem to escalate.
I’m not sure when Mistress will determine when the right time might be to correct all this. I’ve reached a stage where I need it. It shouldn’t be that way. I know, I should just snap out of it. To some degree I have, but I am also very well aware that there have been faults that really do need paying for. It’s been mulling over and over in my mind for a few days now and only a good thrashing is going to cleanse me.