Friday, 27 May 2011

The unspoken word

Following on from my last post, 'No let up in new regime,'  it feels like this post should be entitled, 'Let up in new regime.'

Mistress is away on business now for a few days – but then I’m on a business trip, the very day she is due home. We’ll be apart for two weeks.

Yesterday I was expecting a serious dose of the cane. There had been a couple of incidents – both when we were out shopping, both times just me horsing around, mimicking her accent. Sometimes this is okay. Yesterday it was in a bad taste because not only was I mimicking her accent, I corrected Mistress on a couple of mistakes.

She wasn’t happy. One of our golden rules is ‘Never Question Mistress’, so my questioning what she was saying, didn’t go down well. And, knowing that Mistress likes to leave me with a collection of marks, whenever we’re apart, I fully expected to worst.

I know that sounds like I was deliberately asking for it, but far from it. We were in high spirits and having a good laugh. I just overstepped the mark and, expected to pay for it later.

However, nothing happened. We were both otherwise occupied until we went to bed. So once snuggled in bed, I broached the question…

“I expected you to punish me then evening after the incident out shopping.”

“Yes, I intended to but I could see you were very busy with work and I thought that would be more important. Besides, you never showed any inkling of interest in being beaten tonight.”

I’d expected it – punishment that is. Wound myself up to face it. But I’ve been desperately trying to be a good submissive and no longer try to top from the bottom and allow Mistress to 100% control in our relationship.

It’s been working really well. I’ve noted some of the punishments in my blog but I’ve also had a couple of paddlings this past week – all instigated by Mistress. The punishments are painful but I like Mistress having that control over me. And, if I’m honest, it adds something special, having to be on my toes at all times.

I just read about Newports.sub’s latest punishment, brought on by his complacency – over an issue he wasn’t even aware was an issue. It illustrated to me just how much us sub males living within an flr framework, with very intuitive ladies, have to be aware of all situations.

I asked Mistress what she meant by, “interest in being beaten tonight.”

“You have a way of behaving when you are feeling the need for me to beat you,” she said.

I pointed out my days of bratting are over, to which she responded, “I know that, but I can tell from the way you say things and the way you behave, if you are in need of a good beating. Sometimes I like to oblige, sometimes I don’t and sometimes I just want to beat you because you deserve it, whether you like it or not.”
And there are times when perhaps I deserve to be beaten but Mistress is simply not interested in carrying it out. I can live with that.

Mistress did however add: “In future, if you feel you should be punished then it is up to you to tell me. I’m not saying I will oblige but it’s no good you sitting there all evening, hoping I’m going to beat you and then going to bed, saying how frustrated you were that nothing happened.”

We also  talked briefly about the need to pick the pace back up in our ‘regime’ when we finally get some quality time together again. It’s something to look forward to. Mistress mentioned she’s feeling a need to be a lot stricter.




Wednesday, 11 May 2011

No let up in new regime

Mistress arrived home late tonight. I was upstairs and didn’t even hear her car pull up. The first I heard was, “right, bring a cane down with you now!”

We really are in a ‘no messing around’ situation at the moment. Mistress expects me to greet her at the door. I was upstairs on the computer. She had already unloaded the car by the time it registered she was in the house. Big mistake

But truthfully, I was half expecting another punishment tonight after raising my voice (ever so slightly) in a discussion with Mistress the previous evening. There was no hint of anger or anything, merely me being a male and expecting my voice to be heard. Okay in the workplace. Not okay at home when Mistress is in charge. We had visitors at the time – but her raised eyebrows were enough to remind me of my place.
So despite the marks still plainly visible from the weekend’s sessions, and grazes still not fully healed, Mistress caned me again tonight.

It wasn’t anything too severe but the fact she gave me 18 without any real breaks showed she that the strict weekend regime wasn’t a one-off. I was glad when she finally stopped. I later got a couple of batches of 12, just bench over a footstool, but only light taps in quick succession, which were more a threat of what could be if I stepped out of line any more.

Mistress said I had better blog this now because I’m not going to have any free time tomorrow. That worries me. But she also asked me if I was bored with being caned, and whether I thought it was achieving the goal of improving my attitude.

I’m certainly not bored. But I do have questions – like will being caned regularly cause any long-term damage to my poor bottom cheeks? Will Mistress get bored - especially if she sees no immediate change in my behaviour? Is this regime really improving my attitude? Or is this just one big game we’re playing?

It almost feels like a game – but then I don’t want it to. Maybe there’s not enough formality – just fetch the cane, bend over and suffer. But we both talked it through and that kind of instant correction seemed the way forward where possible. More formality might turn the whole thing back into role play games. I don’t think either of us want that.

Is it real punishment? It feels like it when I have to kneel down after and get lectured on how to behave in future. But it never feels strict enough but then can it when we’re in such a loving relationship and having fun the majority of time (apart from when punishment sessions are required!). So do I expect too much? Does Mistress expect too much?

I’m not sure what we’re doing changes my attitude either but we’ve only hit this new level of severity in the past few days so maybe it’s too early to analyse. Maybe there’s no need to analyse anything as both of us are happy living like this.

I harp back to the weekend and Mistress telling me she’s not so much annoyed by some on my quirks – as frustrated. Caning me helps ease that frustration – as well as make me realise of how my behaviour frustrates her. So that’s all good surely?

It’s been interesting how people have kindly commented on some of my punishment posts on this blog. But I get a feeling that some are surprised by the severity at times. I’m worried I’m painting the wrong picture of our relationship. Maybe I should explain that it’s 100% a loving, caring friendship but, thanks to me requesting some discipline in our relationship, I get punished.

Like the old adage goes, ‘be careful for what you wish for,’ and Mistress is only following a lead I suggested. Never in my wildest dream could I have imagined I’d be living a lifestyle where corporal punishment is used regularly in our home as a means of correcting my errors – or that Mistress would embrace it with such enthusiasm.

That fact that Mistress is driving this side of our relationship only adds to the beauty of us being together. Maybe it’s best to stop analysing and fully accept what is happening here. 



Sunday, 8 May 2011

Mistress introduces strict new regime

My bottom feels bruised and sore after one of the strictest weekends ever with Mistress.

I don’t know about you, but normally when I punished, there’s the initial hurt, the sting lasts for a short while but then it’s gone – a faint memory - and marks that last a few days at most.

This weekend my poor bottom has throbbed and burned, and every little movement is a reminder of how marked and how swollen my cheeks are.

Mistress had warned me that I was going to pay for every little thing that annoyed her during the week, and she didn’t disappoint in her threat.

So, even though I was punished quite severely on Friday night: once over the bench for several dozen with the cane and then back over the leather footstool for a good paddling later, there was no let up on Saturday or Sunday either.

This was a departure. Mistress normally punishes me once or maybe twice during a weekend and will stop beating me at the slightest hint of a graze. Not this weekend.

I feared the worst when Mistress didn’t tell me to put all the implements away after the first punishment. There they sat, poised for action on the couch throughout the weekend. And they got action.

After my second beating on Friday, Mistress said, ‘I don’t see you’ve really learned anything from tonight. I need to know, what am I going to have to do to stop you making the same mistakes? Do you deliberately try to wind up so I will cane you? Go and write down exactly how you feel about this, what we need for this all to become far more effective and we’ll discuss this further over the weekend.’

This is what I wrote;

My Darling Mistress:

The answer to your second question is no, I didn’t deliberately wind you up. Though it wasn’t always like that. I used to deliberately play the brat to ensure a beating, when I wanted it. That meant it was always on my terms when I was in the mood.

But I think you realised this some time ago and now I’m punished when you decide, which is a positive step, he this evening’s session for several infractions both today and over the last few days. I certainly wasn’t in the mood for it but thank you so much for correcting me.

So to your first question Mistress: I think you know that, for a masochist, being caned can be quite pleasurable – but only if it’s delivered in such a way that it’s possible to savour each stroke.

For example, prior to my relationship, as you know, I once was given a judicial canings- by a Lady with a fearsome reputation for severity. While each stroke delivered an incredible impact, the gaps (some up to 20s or even more) between each were enough to for me to compose myself for the next one. It meant absorbing every last intense stinging moment before the next intense impact. I took all 36 without any really drama and could have taken more but more important it was an extremely enjoyable experience.

Tonight though Mistress you gave me six with 10s gaps then 12 with no gap at all. And I made a right fuss because the pain was too much in a short space of time. But then, you stopped because of my moaning – and that allowed me to regain my composure.

So in answer to your question Mistress, I am probably signing my own pain warrant here, but I think the answer for a more effective method of punishment is firstly to be more ruthless and reduce the time between strokes. If you are hurting me, I’m going to moan - it’s a natural reaction.

But, my feeling is that any punishment has to have a degree of severity to have an effect, otherwise there’s nothing to fear. Obviously I don’t set out to ever upset you or annoy you but I am aware that because of my failings, this sometimes happens.

I think this weekend it became clear what does annoy you and I will try harder to not to do these things in future. I don’t want to annoy you – or to fail you - but perhaps it’s good for us to have that safety net of corrective measures if I do. 

xxx

The next morning Mistress punished me again. Before we had even finished breakfast, I found myself over a foot stool being paddled. A couple of hours later I was over the bench being caned yet again. These weren’t lightweight taps either but full force and they hurt like hell on my already sore bottom. Each time it was for small, but pertinent offences that annoyed Mistress.

At this time Mistress had not read my notes and I was beginning to think I should rewrite them, explaining that under this weekend’s regime I was learning fast.

But when we were out shopping Mistress suddenly asked, ‘what happened to the note you were meant to have written me last night?’

I explained I had written it but had not had a chance to print if. Mistress asked me to tell her its contents. Which, I proceeded to do – but pointed out, it seemed like she had already read my mind.

That was far from the end of the story. I was beaten again Saturday night and twice on Sunday and it became all too clear that Mistress had taken my thoughts on board. Now the cane or paddle strokes continued way beyond the point I began moaning. I was being pushed harder and harder and by the time I was ordered to my feet after each session, I was sweating profusely, my heartbeat was ragged, I was shaking and, while I was not in tears, my eyes were well and truly moist from screwing them so tightly. My throat was also dry and sore, thanks to the muffled screams I was trying to fight back.

After the final session, Mistress told me to compile my thoughts on the weekend, which I have done below;

My darling Mistress:

I think this weekend has been a giant step forward after six years or so of our flr.
In some ways, the thoughts I penned on Friday night were largely overtaken by the events of Saturday and Sunday.

I feel that this weekend is the first time you have punished me because you wanted to actually teach me a lesson and the first time you’ve punished me severely enough to achieve the goal of correcting my real faults.

I know you had warned me I would suffer this weekend but I had no idea just how severe you would be. I noted a new edge to the way you beat me – deliberately pulling my pants down further so you could aim not one, but several strokes into the crease between my bottom and thighs, deliberately wrapping the whip around my thighs, and paddling my thighs and bottoms of my feet (albeit not with any force but still enough to smart).

You say I’ve learned nothing from all of this. Well that may have appeared so to on Friday night but things have changed since then.

I accept it’s going to be a long process to rehabilitate me after years of my silly attitude and lazy ways, but I thank you for trying to do this and for fully embracing this kind of regime.
I think if the events of this weekend become routine practice, then over time I will indeed change.

I say this because I came to a point – several times – during this weekend where I didn’t want to feel the cane anymore, not just in the session, but for the rest of the weekend. But time and again you told me to fetch it for another dose and believe me, it was with a feeling of dread each time I obeyed your orders.

I suppose the biggest thing is that our discussions this weekend helped bring home to me how annoying I am at times and I understand that I thoroughly deserve to be corrected for my ways.
These three days have been very emotional for me, the beatings on at least two occasions almost bringing me to tears and this morning’s having me on the verge of begging you to stop. I think the only thing stopping me doing that was a realisation, deep down, that I deserved what I was getting.

And far from it having a negative effect on our relationship, it’s made me appreciate even more how much love you have for me and how hard you work to enrich our relationship by doing the things you know will make me happy.

Personally, I love submitting to your authority just makes me feel so much love and respect for you.
I only hope I can repay this love and affection you have shown me, by behaving in a manner that pleases you as much as you please me my darling.

xxx

If you have got this far you might well be wondering what it is that annoys Mistress so much? There are three things, my indecision, my negative attitude and my saying no, when I mean yes and vice versa. How does this affect our relationship? My indecision affects everything so when Mistress asks me what I’d like to eat or do, she can never get a straight answer. Maybe that’s because I don’t like making decisions and prefer her to take the lead – but Mistress does not always want the burden and it’s understandable why it annoys her so.

My negative attitude just brings us both down and finally, my no, meaning yes just infuriates Mistress and confuses every single thing we do and I’ve no idea why I do it - unless it’s some kind of way of attracting attention.

So do I do these things deliberately to annoy Mistress, knowing she might punish me? I definitely used to. More recently I don’t think so but maybe subconsciously it’s still there. I do have a masochistic streak and get off on receiving corporal punishment. So maybe that’s the answer.

But this weekend was different. Believe me I had no feelings of excitement going to get the cane for the umpteenth time – only dread. So who knows? If Mistress does continue this severity of regime for any length of time maybe the fascination of the cane will be replaced with fear of the cane. And in some ways, that’s what I’ve been searching for all this time. Is it really about me, wanting to please Mistress more - or is it me delving deeper and deeper into my masochistic fantasy world?