But oh how I longed to experience the cane. The sight of that crook-handle thin rod of rattan both thrilled me and scared me. And that swishing sound it made, and crack impacting on a bottom made my heart beat so intensely I’d loose breath.
I hasten to add I never saw a boy caned in real life but it seemed there were plenty of scenes on TV to capture my attention.
It was a frustration that I lived with until I was over 40 years old. At school I just never had the balls to go out and do something seriously wrong to get myself into a situation that guaranteed a visit to the Headmaster’s office. There seemed to be a big stigma to getting caned when I was at school so maybe it worked well as a deterrent for us more placid boys.
And once an adult I found myself in a marriage where my wife promised so much but delivered so little (I had told her about my fantasies early in our relationship and she promised she would humour them one day – but never did).
It’s only since my marriage ended and, being in a wonderful relationship with Mistress, that I’ve found someone who is only too keen to indulge my fantasies and all us both to enjoy my life to the full.
I’ve never understood the fascination of the cane – no matter how hard I’ve tried to analyse it. I want it so badly but will do anything to squirm out of it. I hate the pain but get excited when I know it’s coming. I’ve read countless books and magazines on the subject but still it’s a mystery.
The predominant theme in my childhood fantasies were of owning to a crime that one of the girls I always fancied had committed. So I save her from the cane and suffered as a result. And my punishments were always administered by a female. I used to fantasise that my bravery would win me the heart of the girl – who generally I’d never have the gumption to go and ask out in real life!
If there are any psychoanalysts among us then I’d be pleased for them to unravel this!
But to get to my point. One aspect of punishment that intrigues me still after all these years is a desire to be punished to the point that I break down and weep. I don’t know why this should be but it’s not only me with this mindset as I discovered when I read Burl Apsacks’ recent post about his desire to suffer in this way.
Burl, it seems has a very high pain threshold, so to achieve his goal would take an inordinate amount of punishment – so much that the skin on his buttocks ends up grazed and covered in blood.
It means Burl is still seeking to fufill his fantasy of being broken.
I’m not blessed with his high threshold of pain but I’ve still not reached that breaking point, though Mistress does seem to take me closer and closer to the edge. The only thing it seems that stops me teetering over it is Mistresses thoughts for my welfare. Although she loves wielding the power over me, she’s still only capable of pushing me so far before her natural instincts kick in and she stops beating me.
But why that fascination to suffer so much? Kaelah posted a comment on Burl’s blog asking this very question – since her desire, she says is to take a heavy thrashing without being broken.
I think that’s an honourable way to take punishment. I try so hard not to make a fuss – and when I do, Mistress is constantly telling me to keep quiet. My whole aim is to keep that stiff upper lip and take my punishment ‘like a man.’ At least that’s what was expected from my schooldays I believe. But even then didn’t the bravest of schoolboys sidle off to the loo to shed a brief tear?
But I don’t think that’s what Burl or myself mean when we want to be broken. We actually feel the need to be taken way beyond out limits where, in truth, there is no option but to give in to one’s emotions. For me that’s when punishment really would be punishment – or at least that’s what I’ve always told myself. Even though I’ve no idea what lies beyond that moment of being broken.
Burl in return to Kaelah’s thoughtful questions quoted BDSM top Julnick dicussing the elements a ‘breaking spanking’ that I think just about sums it all up rather well.
According to Julnick: “Breaking spanking is designed to break down the will, break down emotional barriers, and is designed around specific psychological elements.
“There are two subsets of this spanking type, there is regression, and there is simple compassion/safety.
“Within the group of men who desire this spanking, there are some who need to be regressed, psychologically, brought down to a child-like state, where it is acceptable to cry. And some just need to be taken to a place where they feel safe enough, and insured enough against ridicule that they can let go and cry.
“This spanking involves a lot of pain, physically, to overwhelm the emotional barriers. Also, with the pain is a good deal of psychological action, weakening the barrier in tandem with the action of the spanking.
“For these spankings, OTK is very important. It feels vulnerable, but vulnerable to the top, not to the world in general. It also feels child-like, being over the knee. Spanking with the hand is important, it feels personal, connected. Touch is vital, the top is taking the bottom to a very frightening place in his head, tearing down that wall is going against very strong, nearly survival instincts.
“There is going to be a lot of panic and resistance as that begins to happen. The top needs to "hold the hand" of the bottom throughout, constantly reassure the bottom, constantly, touch, pet, give physical comfort., as well as verbal comfort, constant reassurances, soft tone of voice, as if speaking to a terrified child, because that is what it can be equated to.”
Personally I disagree that it needs to be OTK or that it needs to be a spanking to achieve this – not in my case anyway.
The mere fact that Mistress has the love in her to discipline me is enough, without direct contact. And to achieve the goal of breaking me, she would not have the power in her hand alone to deliver a spanking of adequate severity.
I totally understand the psychology that Julnick is talking about though. I feel panic brought on by not being able to control my emotions during punishment. And resistance to staying there and taking it – though thankfully I’m usually secured in position so I have no choice.
Both during and after punishment I also feel an overwhelming sense of vulnerability and, particularly afterwards, I desperately need that ‘holding of the hand’ by Mistresses – but more in the form of hugs and kisses – as a means of reassurance, as well as a open display of love and affection.
In fact, Julnick says in his position as a top he will, “hold the bottom, and they will often cry, and cling to me, for a long time, completely vulnerable. And my heart is open, exposed as I do this, because otherwise I couldn't feel them, I couldn't touch them the way they need to be touched. That is the responsibility I feel.”
It seems the more I try to understand the psychology of my fantasies that have driven me to where I am and who I am, the more intensity I unearth. But what a fascinating journey it is.
You can read Julnick’s ‘Three Types of Spankings’ here: http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/aharshaw/Three-types-spanking.html
Kaelah maintain a rather excellent blog here with Ludwig: