Thursday, 22 June 2017

Reality CP

My first couple of posts in a long time didn’t take long to draw a reaction and someone asked me via email how it was I could accept punishment from a male disciplinarian considering my preference for a female led relationship.

A very similar question came up on a newsletter I get from a Lady disciplinarian, which discusses all manner of corporal punishment topics; whether someone would get the same out of visiting a male disciplinarian as a female.

My view, from someone who has a need for regular discipline, is that I feel the important factor here – for me - is not the gender of the disciplinarian but the level of authentic authority the person actually has.

The kind of discipline I seek is real, in as much that I know I have certain faults and no matter how hard I try to overcome those faults, I always tend to err and feel a need to suffer for my faults.

Of course, how I got here was driven by a fascination for the cane and discipline. I cannot deny there’s a fear and excitement beforehand followed by the humiliation of the punishment ritual and the pleasurable sting of the cane.

But I’ve always considered that if I am to be punished for real faults – then the punishment has to be real – even though we all know there’s always going to be an element of ‘play’. That worked between Mistress and I for a long time, but what happened is I took her for granted and began to control the situations instead of submitting to her fully.

We both realised that it might help the situation if my punishment was dealt with by a third party but what was needed wasn’t just a Headmaster or Headmistress, but a real mentor willing to delve into my psyche, to understand my faults and then administer the level of punishment he or she thinks necessary.
In other words, the situation is totally controlled by the disciplinarian/mentor, just as it would have been if we rolled the clock back to schooldays.

I’d seen a couple of Masters way back in the midst of time when I first began to explore my interest in corporal punishment. Both were exemplary and taught me so much. But then so did some (but not all) of the female disciplinarians I saw too.

But I hadn’t really considered seeing a Master as an option, and neither had I considered seeing a Lady disciplinarian either, once Mistress took control of my discipline.

But when things went awry with our DD regime and Mistress suggested I should ‘see someone else for the cane’ that I started to look around on the net for solutions. I came across (and joined) CP Reminiscences a male-only site that says what it is, reminiscences of school corporal punishment. But on the forum I chatted with many who were still enacting their past and met several Masters, some who also mentored. I mentioned this to Mistress and we both agreed it might be worth seeking an appointment with one of these Masters. She seemed delighted and relieved to have the onus of my discipline taken off her shoulders.

In my experience, any liking for the cane quickly disappears when confronted by an experienced strict disciplinarian/mentor who has the ability to impart his or her authority on me and administer a real punishment that befits an adult who knows he has over-stepped the mark or under-performed. I discovered this with one particular Master and one particular Lady disciplinarian many years ago – and, of course, later with Mistress.

This kind of real (I use the word deliberately rather than ‘authentic’) punishment is way beyond any pleasurable experience but can, in my experience, only be delivered by a woman or man who fully appreciates what discipline is all about and genuinely wants to mentor someone.

Some baulk at paying for this kind of service (I didn’t pay incidentally) but I don’t think money comes into it. It is a service and I’d be willing to pay, though it’s always good to discover a disciplinarian who is willing to offer his or her services for free.

 The secret is the painstaking research to find the right kind of person who fits the bill because there are very few real disciplinarians/mentors out there willing to make the kind of commitment it takes to understand the person - and their issues - and deal with them in a way that will bring some kind of improvement. It involves a lot of trust between both parties but can, in my opinion bring effective results.




Monday, 19 June 2017

Breaking the will

Thanks to the people who have welcomed me back. I’d just like to apologise for failing to maintain the blog for so long.

After posting yesterday and then catching on the blogs I follow, I came across a post on I’m Hers, written by a sub hubby that closely mirrored my own post.

He said: “My primary tenet was that submission really is about following orders and following the path the dominant partner takes in the relationship. Submission is about pleasing her even if it means sometimes – or maybe often – the submissive doesn’t derive pleasure from the choices she makes.”

He explained that his wife is the one who dictates responsibilities, determines what she expects from him etc, in a relationship primarily based on love.

“I have never doubted Katie’s love for me, or my love for her even though I may not have agreed with every choice she has made as my dominant,” he says.

But then admits that while he tries to follow the mantra of Lady Grey (who pens the excellent ‘Woman in Control’ blog – and has more than once rightfully berated me for my lack of commitment to my DD relationship with Mistress) which is ‘do what you are told,’ he is, like me, “not the most compliant of sub missives.”

His big issue is his strong will that he says has never been broken by his wife. I too am strong willed and have gone through the same thought processes as him in wanting to be broken by Mistress (my loving partner of over 10 years).

Even though it was me who instigated the DD side of our relationship, we’ve gone through all ten years of me fighting Mistress’ authority – trying to get her to dominate me as I fantasize, rather than leave her to take control as she sees fit. It was only when she decided to give up on her role that I realised I should have just surrendered to her will. 

Mistress is quite a dominant personality by nature, but had no experience of applying that dominance to a DD lifestyle. We were both learning as we went along and made many mistakes – but the worst thing was me questioning her and that knocked her confidence. And there was no question of her going to the lengths I’d hoped to break me, as it were.

The issue was that the problems of the DD side of our relations, naturally began to affect our overall relationship so we both agreed to a time out on DD.

He admits in his post, “Katie has never really broken my will and (in my opinion) it needs to be broken. I know that I will be a better husband if she helps me get to that point. What I doubt is Katie's understanding of how breaking my will will enable me to be a better, more loving, and more serving husband and submissive.”

I think the only way to achieve that is by the dominant partner becoming, not only very assertive, but also putting in place some very severe sanctions if the sub does not respond. The problem, as we’ve found, is that implementing them only works if the sub is complaint.

What happened in our case was that when I complained I couldn’t do the chores because I was so tired after work, or I was feeling unwell to be punished, or the punishment she was handing out was too much to bear, Mistress had too much love in her for me and not enough dominance to carry on regardless. Her compassion wasn’t at fault. It was my lack of compliance that was.

He states: “I like things done my way. When she makes decision that align with my thinking, things go well. It’s when she has a different view that I naturally want to confront and ask why. I’m not so stupid to disobey and violate house rule #1 (always obey Mistress), but my heart hasn’t submitted. Many times I will do things begrudgingly and not truly submitting or embracing her leadership.”

I’m worse, I have broken our house rule, which, ironically are the same as theirs: ‘Always obey Mistress’.

He adds: “The trouble with my attitude over the years is: I wonder if I have indeed hindered Katie’s development as a mistress?”

I know I’ve affected my good Lady’s development as Mistress. But at least we’ve both agreed DD is not over in our home, merely on hold, because after some frank discussions, as I said in my previous post, Mistress decided I needed mentoring by a third party, someone with much more experience and understanding of DD than either of us and who Mistress can work with to ‘retrain’ me and make me more malleable to her authority.  In other words, someone who is prepared to break me, and someone I cannot argue with!

And I concur with what he wrote in his conclusion: “My will needs breaking but that doesn’t mean she needs me to be some spineless husband who no longer expresses his own thoughts. Rather, I know I need to be broken because of the long-term benefit of our relationship.”

I think it’s absolutely vital that we both continue to express our own thoughts, and maintain the respect we have for each other.  It’s just that for DD to work, I need to become more compliant and like he says in I’m Hers, my natural will to control has to be broken for our DD to become the successful side of our relationship we both know it has the potential to be.


The Lady we are hoping who can help us is an incredibly strict disciplinarian who is not to be toyed with, but is also a trained counselor so we’re both hopeful of getting me back on track so Mistress can once again take up the dominant role she actually quite enjoys.

Friday, 16 June 2017

Hello again

I don’t know ‘why now’ but I felt like I needed to write a blog post. I read a newsletter from a professional disciplinarian Lady I know and she mentioned my blog so I guess that was the trigger.

It’s been a long time and a lot has happened in our DD relationship. It’s not over, but it’s been on hold, but we both feel it’s time to start focussing on it again – but possibly in a very different way.

I just looked back and the last post I wrote was November 25, 2015. Phew. Time flies.  So I figured I catch up on what’s happened – or not, in our case.

I’ve documented my on-off approach to DD in the past. Well, Mistress – who only agreed to DD at my request - finally had enough and said she no longer wanted the stress of trying to deal with me. 

This was around the time of that Court visit I was meant to have made. If you recall, we then discussed the idea of a mentor. So I contacted a Lady (the one with the newsletter I mentioned) I knew from my past life before Mistress who had experience in mentoring, explained the situation and she agreed to help. We talked on the phone and then arranged a conference call with Mistress, myself and the Lady. 

It was a pretty humbling experience having two women, one very authoritative, discussing my shortcomings, my failings and how best to deal with me. But rather than her mentor me straight away, she suggested ideas and left it with us to see if we could progress things ourselves.

Weeks went by and nothing happened and the idea was forgotten.

Meantime I’d joined a male corporal punishment forum – purely out of my interest in the subject and talked to several Masters as well as ‘boys’.  I find the discussion incredibly fascinating whether it’s recalling old schooldays and/or home punishments, or discussing discipline for adult ‘boys’. Some of it, as you can imagine, is pure fantasy, but on balance I find it good to talk to like-minded people and have learned so much about CP history.

When Mistress and I discussed our situation again, I mentioned the Masters I’d ‘chatted’ with and Mistress said, ‘well, find one to mentor you and book an appointment to see him.”

I wasn’t sure  but after talking it over a couple of times with her, we agreed it had to be done. For some bizarre reason Mistress and I never discussed going back to the Lady to see if we could pursue that. I honestly think by then both of us just needed to clear the air.

My Master came highly recommended as a very strict disciplinarian by three different ‘boys’. The tales they regaled actually scared me because he sounds almost too strict - so I was in two minds whether to approach him. But when I discussed it with Mistress she said it was what I needed and insisted so I made contact, explaining our situation.

He was very understanding but clearly a stickler for protocol which frightened and impressed me. With Mistress reviewing my report to him, I had no choice but to reveal every detail about why Mistress thought I needed punishment, my refusal to accept her punishments, and my playing up to avoid taking a full punishment.

He responded by accepting me as a ‘case’ warning me in no uncertain manner that once I was under his control and in his punishment room, I’d accept any allotted punishment, no matter how much fuss I created, or how long it took to complete the tariff. 

That scared me but also made me realise it was what was needed. And when Mistress saw his email she became ever more insistent I book an appointment.

Then came the real shocker. When my appointment arrived via email there was an itemized list of all the faults he felt I should be punished for, with a punishment tariff against each. It came to 80 strokes!
I told Mistress there was no way I could go through with it but she simply said. “You are going. We both agreed you would see a mentor and that’s what you are going to do.”

Never had she been so determined or authoritative. She even wrote a letter for me to hand to my Master on arrival. She didn’t allow me to read it but said it detailed my shortcomings.

It was a long drive (nearly four hours) and all the way there I kept thinking of turning around. I had that option. Mistress would be annoyed but there would be no sanctions. But something kept me from doing that.

When I finally arrived early I had to sit in the car contemplating whether I should just go home. I felt physically sick and my heart was racing. It was genuine fear.

This was probably the most intense dose of reality I’d ever had facing a caning. I was genuinely worried whether I would survive 80 strokes of the cane, given that the three people I’d spoken to had told me how severely he caned.

Somehow, I found myself knocking on his door and seconds later was under his spell. There was no turning back.

There was a table in the middle of the room with a cushion on it. On top of the cushion was a straight, thick black-handled Dragon cane. He ordered me to strip naked and I stood there to attention, still feeling nauseous but now thoroughly humiliated.

He lectured me on why I was there, what was going to happen to me today. What was going to happen in future. The smartly dressed, immaculately manicured gentleman was one of those people whose poise alone exudes authority. His lectures were delivered as slowly and deliberately as a stern Headmaster lecturing a boy. It was so real, I began thinking of my faults and became quite emotional. I wasn’t moved to tears, but wasn’t far off it.  I really didn’t expect it to be so intense.

And while I knew the caning would be severe, I had no idea just how severe until the first stroke. Oh my god. If you’ve been caned hard you know you don’t feel the real pain until the second stroke. This first stroke was as hard as the hardest cane stroke I could imagine I’d ever had from Mistress. And it got worse!

I was caned in batches or 10, 12 or 20 - unrestrained. The number was relative to the crime I was being punished for. Twenty was for showing a lack of respect which he said was the worst possible crime I could commit.

Two things happened. Firstly, the lectures continued to hit me hard emotionally. My shortcomings were made clear and I was made to realise the effect of them on Mistress. Too often I’d not considered that!
Secondly I took every stroke stoically and without moving, despite the severe pain of every single stroke. Considering the fuss I’ve made with Mistress caning me, I’m at a loss to explain my stoicism, except that this felt like a very different scenario than at home. There was no close relationship to fall back on. This was very real.  The Master had full control.

I had thick black and purple lines across my bottom. I know this because prior to my final batch my Master said that my bottom was quite ‘damaged’ and I should go and clean myself up. I went to the bathroom and winced at the bloody mess when I looked in the mirror. I bathed it clean, towled myself and went back to the punishment room.

He said that as I’d seen the damage I could now make a decision whether to take the final strokes, or hold them over to my next visit. I opted to take them, a decision he seemed very pleased with. Those last strokes were the worst.

I got another lecture at the end, enforcing the fact that was only the very start of my retraining. Somehow, despite everything that had happened in the previous half an hour, and despite my bottom being a sore, bruised mess, I knew that this was had been a positive experience and Mistress and I could move on from it.

Mistress said she immediately noted a change in my attitude over the next week and said that she wanted me to continued seeing my new mentor. The grazing took two full weeks to heal.

Each week I’ve been required to update my Master on progress, detailing any faults Mistress  thought deserving of his attention. Another appointment was arranged but I failed to keep it due to work commitments. And another. The issue being fitting in a full day to make the visit.

Then I suffered an injury that has kept me off work for almost two months and Mistress has been looking after me rather than me doing chores for her!

However, that doesn’t mean our DD has been forgotten. And as I’ve been recovering Mistress and I have began discussing what’s going to happen when I am fit enough to resume my chores and we can get back to DD.

She’s made it clear she prefers a third party to deal with my discipline. She says it’s until I’m fully retrained to the point I accept her authority without question. I think it unlikely she’ll wield a cane in anger again. I’ve nothing to base that on, just gut feeling. But I also have a gut feeling she really enjoys the power she has over me to insist I’m disciplined by a third party.

We both realised the difficulty of fitting in a full day on a regular (monthly) to visit my mentor when I also have a very busy day job. We’ve not ruled him out – far from it - but we’ve discussed approaching our original Lady to see if she’ll mentor me. She’s only two hours away so it could be an evening visit. It makes sense because that would allow regular appointments. The one important thing is that there has to be serious commitment from both sides for the mentoring process to have any real effect.

The other discussion that’s cropped up on reading this Lady’s regular newsletter is me questioning whether I really want a DD lifestyle.

She said, ‘it’s sometimes difficult to tell whether one is actually a lifestyler who really wants to serve and accept everything that goes with it. Or whether one just need a regular thrashing with a bit of DD thrown in – so to speak.’

The comments could easily have been aimed at me and something that’s bugged me a long time before reading the newsletter. Mistress says it’s the latter. I want to believe it’s the former. But I’m not so sure. 

And I know some of my past readers here are convinced it’s the latter. Looking at my track record to date, I’d have to agree.


Mistress and I have decided the only way to discover the truth is by me being mentored on a regular basis by someone who really explores my inner-most feelings and sets the bar very high when it comes to challenging those feelings.

Sunday, 29 November 2015

Dawn caning and the threat of being mentored

Following a rare dose of the cane two weeks ago, nothing much happened on our FLR front. My Court case was looming but each time I mentioned it, Mistress either just pointed out she didn’t think I’d cope, or changed the subject.

I reached crisis point a few days before I was due to appear before the Court. I was nervous of the whole thing, understandably I think since I was to appear before people I didn’t even know. And I just felt that Mistress didn’t really want me to do it – despite he assurances from her to the contrary.

When we had snuggled up in bed on Thursday night, I told Mistress I’d cancelled my appointment at the Court. She was instantly fuming. “Your appointment was Sunday. Three days before you are to be in Court and you cancel?

I’d never seen her so angry in a long time.

“We agreed from the outset you would go to the Court for punishment and hopefully become more submissive. It was meant to be a real punishment you could not escape from.”

“But Mistress, when I explained about my Court punishment you were adamant I’d not cope – and I got the impression you didn’t like the idea of me going,” I feebly argued.

“You wouldn’t cope and that’s the point. You seem to think punishment is something you can play around with to suit you. You need to learn it is not and as you won’t take it from me, you need to someone who can control you.”

The Judicial Court I was to have attended was an all-male corporal punishment event in the North of England. I’d read about it just after Mistress admitted that with all her other work-related stress of the moment, she was struggling to cope with the emotions of trying to overcome my resistance to her discipline.

She had said she wanted me disciplined just the same though and had told me to arrange an appointment with a professional. When I related details of the Court, she thought it would be humbling for me to be sentenced and punished in front of the other ‘offenders’.

However, I felt that after our initial discussion, I felt she had gone cold on the idea and when she seemed non-plussed at my sentence (72 strokes in total with various canes and straps), I took that as an indication I’d best not go.

My underlying worry was that by going it would in some way have an adverse effect on our relationship.

Mistress continued: “At no time did I say I didn’t want you to go. How dare you try to put the blame on me! I’ve said all along that I thought you might learn something by going and come back with a bit more respect. You’ve deserved a good thrashing for some time.”

“The reality is that you knew you wouldn’t be able to take the kind of beating you had been sentenced to and just opted out as usual. You are just a wimp.”

The truth struck home like a knife plunged into my heart. It was true. I was scared and the closer it came to punishment day the more nervous I’d become and talked myself into several reasons why I shouldn’t go, the prime one being Mistress’ apparent lack of interest in my fate. I was truthfully worried about the effect on the relationship, but there was an underlying reason to cancel and Mistress was spot-on, it was that the thought of the reality of a severe caning far outweighed the excitement of the courtroom fantasy.

Mistress turned over to go to sleep. I lay there for what seemed like hours thinking what a dolt I’d been – again.

When I awoke Mistress was already awake. “Go and get the cane.” Was all she said.

“Mistress?”

“Don’t you dare question me. Go and get the cane now – the Dragon cane.”

I was taken aback by her mood and did as I was told.

Mistress was out of bed in her dressing gown and looking very grim-faced as I stood, naked and shivering, partly with the sudden rush of cold after being under the nice warm duvet, partly though fear.
I held out the cane, which snatched from me. “Face down on the bed.”

No sooner had I got into position than the cane lashed across my bottom. I received no gentle warm up. I didn’t deserve one. The strokes were brutal from the outset. Batches of 12 at a time – followed by a brief few seconds respite.

I think I had four batches when she told me to bed over the edge of the bed. “I can’t hit you hard enough at that angle,” she said of my position laying flat on the bed.

I got two more batches of 12, much harder as she’d promised, yet somehow I managed to keep my breathing steady and never uttered a groan.

Form the outset I was in some kind of serene place the pain of each stroke was dreadful but somehow I just soaked it up and found myself pushing my bottom up to receive another. I certainly wasn’t enjoying my thrashing but somehow I was relishing it. I can’t understand my psyche at the best of times but I’m baffled by this experience.

One theory I have is that I’ve known for some time that I had this coming to me and I was trying to blot out all other influences and just absorb every searing stroke. That’s the feeling I had from the outset, ‘please hurt me.’ I truly wanted to suffer.

Thinking about it later, I came up with another theory which was perhaps I wanted to prove to her I could cope with a heavy thrashing?

When Mistress stopped caning me I thought it was all over but she said: “I think we need the thin Dragon cane now. I know how much you hate it. It has a lot more bite than this thick cane.”

She went to fetch is as I lay there with my bottom burning – and dreading what was next. Within a few seconds the whippy cane was lashing me, two sets of 12 applied with such vigour and at such a fast tempo that I held my breath until each batch was finished. Yet again I didn’t murmur and just focused on the intense stinging pain. I surprised myself.

I’d like to relate that after the punishment was completed I had learned my lesson and I behaved impeccably all day. But about two hours later something happened while we were out shopping that quite shocked me.

Mistress stopped in the middle of the town and said, “You haven’t learned a thing have you?”

I was bemused

“You say you want a Female Led Relationship. You say you want to be treated as a submissive. And you want to show me respect. Why then did you cross the road without me and then walk on the inside of the pavement when we got to the other side? How many times have I told you that it’s your responsibility to look out for your Mistress at all times - and you walk on the side of the pavement closest to the traffic? How can you be so stupid to forget, even the basics, after what happened this morning?”

“I’m sorry Mistress.” I felt my face redden as other people passed us by.

“You don’t ever learn do you? You don’t have the faintest idea about respect or being a good submissive.”

“No Mistress. Sorry Mistress.”

With a shake of her head, Mistress carried on walking and I quickly ran around her to make sure I was on the outside of the path.

She continued: “Caning itself obviously teaches you nothing so this is what we are going to do. We are going to take advice from an expert in Female Led Relationships and you are going to learn how to become a good submissive.”

She stopped walking again.

“So I am tasking you to make some enquires. As you are surfing this kind of information all the time, I want you to find us a mentor who we can visit and discuss our issues with.”

Really? Mistress has always kept herself to herself. She’s never surfed the net for FLR information. 
She’s never wanted to go to any Fem Domme events – or meet other couples. She’s been happy just to dominate me. So you can imagine my surprise at her decision.

“I want options,” she continued. “I want to know what kind of services they offer, how much it will cost and how quickly we can set up an appointment. Is that clear?

“Yes Mistress.”

“We are going to sort this mess out. I’m determined that you are going to live the regime that I want.”


With that, the issue was closed. We carried on into the town, had a delightful breakfast and did the shopping as if nothing had happened. But all the time I had a nagging feeling that this morning might become a defining moment in our FLR. I can’t say I’m looking forward to being mentored by another strict Lady.