Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Reflections of the cane


Well, I hate to disappoint you all, but it didn’t happen. I wasn’t punished last night after all. Mistress was delayed so she got home late and by the time she did, it was late and she just wanted me to serve her dinner and then relax after a hard day of work.

She even apologized for not having the energy to discipline me.

I understood and was relieved I avoided the cane yet again. But with relief came a tinge of disappointed. As I said, I still don’t know if I can face going back to regular discipline and the thought of being secured for a thrashing fills me with dread. But I had done my best to prepare myself for the worst. Can you understand my bitter sweet feelings?

This morning, after Mistress leaves for work I go to face my demons – or more specifically, to look in the cane cupboard. I need to try and embrace my lost willingness to accept discipline.

I get dress in my baggy PVC punishment pants, my longest PVC mackintosh and shiny boots. The feel of the pants and the sweet musty odour of the mackintosh stimulate my senses.

I pull the two Dragon canes from the umbrella stand that resides within, locked away in the wardrobe. One is thick and offers a deep thuddy feel. I run my fingers over the soft texture of the leopard-skin handle that Mistress so loves to grip. It’s a stark contrast to the thick, unyielding rattan cane, beautifully sanded smooth, it’s varnish bearing a multitude of hairline cracks where the rod has flexed so much over the years of use.

I forcefully disturb the air with its whooshing sound. I wince at the impact such a full-blooded stroke would have on my bottom. The  deep, thudding sensation that builds from a narrow line of impact into a bruising sting across my entire buttocks.  I shudder at the thought.  I pause to think how many strokes of this rod has been applied to my bottom over the years. It must be in the hundreds.

I look at the thin Dragon. My nemesis. This is the cane that, with Mistress’ help, has tipped me over the edge. It’s shorter than the thicker Dragon cane and so innocuous to look at. I pick it up. It’s so light but just flexing it’s shaft reveals just how whippy it can be. You wouldn’t think such a lightweight rod of rattan could evoke such a powerful effect on an adult.

I slice this through the air and the high-pitched thwip sound makes my stomach churn. I know  this sound so well. And I know what 36 strokes feel like. That intense burning sting that focuses on that thin line of impact and just builds and builds with burning agony. You wouldn’t think such a lightweight rod of rattan could bring an adult like me to the point of tears.

I put the cane back on the table and stare at the two rods of torture. I sit and think of how I got to this moment in time.

My years of fascination with corporal punishment, tied up with my schoolboy fear of the cane.  How my fear turned to fetish and a need to experience the cane.

I think of how Mistress has embraced my strange ways and embellished it to the point that it became a desire in her to punish me.

I think how my fetish has turned back in to fear – that same fear of the cane I felt at school.  And I realize that no matter how much I may fight it I am going to continue to feel it’s disciplinary sting. It’s something Mistress has decreed. And she knows, that deep down inside of me, there still exists a need in me to experience its devastatingly delightful dsicplinary effect.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Mistress takes charge


Mistress has been determined to cane me for a couple of weeks now. I managed to escape last week after going down with a stomach bug but even when I was ill she reminded me that there would be no escape.

All weekend I managed to dodge the inevitable thanks to ‘outside forces.’

Mistress promised I would get it yesterday but she was home very late and, as we went to bed, she said: “ Well you got out of it again didn’t you? No more. Eight pm tomorrow evening. I want you ready for punishment when I get home.”

It’s been so long since I felt the cane that I’m not sure I can face gong back over the bench.

Each time the threat builds, I feel sick inside and always end up with a tummy ache. I know what to expect from Mistress now and the fear exceeds the thrill – even for a lifelong CP enthusiast like me.
I tell myself it’s something I need but it makes no difference. The thought of the pain just overwhelms me and I’m not sure I can do this any more.

But Mistress won’t accept my protestations.

“You wanted this and you said you needed me to take charge so tomorrow I’m going to punish you. And perhaps we can get you back in line again.”

I explained my feelings and said I wasn’t sure I wanted to live under the threat of punishment.

“You don’t understand do you? You need to be punished. I can see that in you, even if you are not ‘in the mood for it’ right now. There’s just too much tension in your life. You’ve become snappy – at me as well as in general. I think a good dose of the cane is what you need and I intend to see you get it. You will thank me for it afterwards when you feel a lot calmer.”

I tried to explain that I feel quite emotional right now with various things happening in both our lives and my fear is that, along with the fuss I make when I’m caned now, my emotions might become too much and leave me in a flood of tears.  I asked Mistress how she would feel if she saw me like this.
“It won’t make any difference,” she said coldly. 

“You need to be caned and once we’ve crossed that hurdle, then we can work on the pledge. Remember that?  No you obviously don’t. Well it’s time you did because I’ve not been happy for some time with your attitude. The pledge says you will serve me, obey me. It’s almost like out relationship has been turned around and you’re the one trying to take control. So we need to sort things out.” 

Monday, 6 October 2014

The Pledge document


You may recall that in the last blog update I was required by Mistress to draw up a Pledge to her. Once agreed and signed this is the last chance to make me more complaint with Mistress’ rules. If I don’t stick to it as we have agreed, Mistress will no longer entertain the idea of DD in the house because it is unworkable without my compliance.

The delay in finalizing the Pledge is down purely to outside work-related influences (not all on my side I must add).

However, we have discussed the fine detail and Mistress is happy with the content. It’s now down to giving them the final once over together and signing them in the presence of each other. Then there really is no going back.


MY PLEDGE TO MISTRESS


My Darling Mistress,

I pledge my submission to your authority

I pledge never to say no to any request you make

I pledge to accept that your direction is always right

I pledge that I will never question you

I pledge to serve you and obey your instructions to the best of my ability

I pledge to refer to you as ‘Mistress’ at all times, except in public settings where such behavior would attract undue attention

I pledge to maintain a submissive demeanor at all times, except in public settings where such behavior would attract undue attention

I pledge to accept any punishment - corporal or other - in full, without question or complaint

I pledge to reserve the right to cry, scream, whimper or beg during punishment but accept this will not affect nor stop said punishment

I pledge I will never try to pressure you or control you in our DD relationship

I pledge not to orgasm without your permission

I pledge to always ask permission for any personal leisure time activity.

I pledge to show you respect at all times and treat our DD relationship with total commitment and consistency

I pledge to respect this document to the best of my ability

Yours always, and with love

g


*These pledges are made in good faith and with good intention to live by them but they are also made in the knowledge that outside influences may prevent 100% commitment at certain times


Friday, 19 September 2014

Pledge submission


In bed one evening earlier this week Mistress brought up the subject of our ever-faltering DD regime.
“I think we need to address your lack of discipline,” she announced as we snuggled up together.

“What have I done wrong now,” I asked as casually as I could as my heartbeat went wild, in shock from the sudden switch to DD discussion.

“I’m getting a bit fed up with your arrogant attitude,” came the rather curt response.

“Well you have the solution, ‘Mistress’,” I offered. “I thought we agreed that you have the right to punish me as and when you see fit.”

I put emphasis on the word Mistress when I obviously didn’t need to. It sounded sarcastic.

“I’d be careful how you talk to me,” she said. “We did agree that, but each time I try to implement our agreement, you come up with excuses.”

That’s not fair,” I protested. “I’ve had a bad back but I told you when I was all clear from seeing the physiotherapist. I was almost expecting discipline to return straight away – especially after our little argument last weekend - but I didn’t want to ‘top from the bottom, by requesting it!”

I knew I wasn’t dealing with this sudden change in Mistress’ mood too well.

“You are always making excuses. And when I do punish you, all I get is your whimpering and begging for me to stop. You know how that affects me and I think you use it to get off lightly.”

“Ignore it,” I suggested, adopting a rather curt response.

Mistress however was calmness personified – while obviously in a determined mood. “Well I’m fed up with your attitude towards discipline,” she said. “So this is what I propose: You are going to prepare a document in which you pledge to accept my punishment without question and sign to the effect that no matter how much you moan and beg, you agree to accept the punishment if full. And state that the only escape from punishment is on medical grounds. Is that clear?”

That took me aback. I lie there for a while contemplating what she had said but then began to try and understand the significance of the document Mistress was requiring.

“What you say is perfectly clear Mistress and I want to be a well behaved submissive – but why do you think this pledge will work where other agreements and rules have failed? What happens if, as in the past, I refuse punishment or start begging?”

“I shall keep a signed copy of the pledge and, if you refuse my instructions, I will order you to read it and then you comply with it.”

“But I could still refuse to comply? What’s different?”

“What’s different boy,” she said with blood-curdling emphasis on the word ‘boy’, “is that I am no longer prepared to back down.”

I quailed at the level of venom in that one statement. She never spoke with such authority.
I meekly responded: “Can I ask what has made you take this view now?”

“Your arrogance,’ came the swift reply. “That’s the only word for the way you behave.  I can see a gradual change in your attitude every time I am lenient with you. After you are punished you are very servile. It lasts a short time before you start reverting to your normal self and then you quickly become selfish and opinionated again. You totally ignore my needs and our rules. It’s all about you isn’t it? So the only word to describe your attitude is arrogance.”

And she wasn’t finished. “Sometimes it’s weeks before you lapse, but more often that not it is only days. And I’ve reached a point where I can see that while you may be a grown man, an aging grown man who should know better, you behave more like a little boy at time. And just like a little boy, a good dose of corporal punishment is the only real way to get your attention.”

How could I argue when I knew she was so right?

“But please Mistress, I don’t understand fully what you require of me to say in this so called ‘pledge’.
“It’s exactly as I said. You will pledge to accept my authority and my discipline at all times. You will pledge to think of me and my needs and how you can best serve them. You will pledge not to question me or my methods. And you will also pledge to take punishment without a fuss, with no begging or or whining. And once you have signed up to that pledge there will be absolutely no going back.”

Phew. This was far removed from the easy-going Mistress I knew. I found her steely determination and detached attitude rather frightening.

“What if I don’t sign this ‘pledge’?

“You will. I know what makes you tick and we both know you need a certain amount of discipline. Your ‘need’ is a little caning when you have a mood for it. What I need from you is to be better behaved and more aware of my needs. Start showing me respect and then there will be no need for the cane.

“The difference with the pledge is that in future you will get my discipline, not the discipline you fantasise about.” she said. “But if you decided not to pledge your submission, then we’ll have to call a halt our DD relationship. I’ve threatened you many times but this really is your last chance.”

“Is that what you would like to happen Mistress?”

“Not at all. I think you need the discipline to keep you on the straight and narrow. And I wouldn’t want to leave your arrogance left unchecked. But you need to serve me. So I want that to see that pledge. You have until Sunday night to give it some serious consideration.”



We left the discussion there but I didn’t sleep well and the conversation has worried me since – not helped by Mistress asking me several times how my ‘pledge’ document is coming along.

I’ve written it to Mistress’ orders but I keep reading it, tweaking it, re-reading it – wondering if can possibly live up to it. I want to, make no mistake. When Mistress lectured me in bed it made me realized just what a pig I can be – and yes, I’d like to be a better person. But, as she says, too easily I slip into my normal selfish ways.

I think the issue for sometime now – apart from my failings - is that I’ve tried to aim for something that’s not workable. It’s been geared around my fantasy and not reality. I know I’ve tried to steer things too much but now Mistress seems like she really wants total control and, despite my misgivings about my ability to cope with that, I feel like I really want to embrace everything she has said – and move on.

I’m scared to death by the prospect because I know there are those times when I really might not want to be ordered around or punished but to make it a successful and meaningful DD relationship I know it is only in those times that it will be possible to gauge if my submission is truly real.

I also know that after several days, weeks maybe, months even, I may suddenly rebel and want the freedom to do what I want, when I want and how I want without having to request permission. Hardly a model submissive. Hardly a submissive at all. But what if I can overcome my natural instincts and please Mistress.

I know there be many of you reading this wondering why I am agonizing over the pledge – it’s a submissive’s dream, after all. But the thought of Mistress taking complete control like this is more daunting than I ever could have imagined. But it’s taken that conversation and Mistress’ frank observation of my character traits to finally make me realize I’ve been playing at DD all this time.

But I know how I feel after several days of strict discipline. I don’t just mean being caned on a regular basis – which is bad enough - but being the well-behaved submissive for days of end is really taxing. And Mistress really has adopted this no-nonsense air that really is unsettling me.

But I know she is also perfectly right. And I think she’s finally unlocked the deep desire in me to make this work. I’m wildly surprised how keen Mistress is for it to work too. If I can show half the commitment Mistress has, then  everything should work well.

The deadline for submission of my pledge document is Sunday. We’ll have an inkling of what the future might have in store then.

Friday, 1 August 2014

Confronting the demons


Writing a blog can be a joyous, liberating exercise. It allows you to express your inner thoughts (in my case not very eloquently) and reap the fruits of one’s labours when positive comments flow in.

But that happens when the negative is anything but positive and is really very critical of one’s self? It’s not a nice feeling at all and, after the adverse comments from lawyer and K Rai to my most recent post, I wondered whether it was worth continuing – especially as both of them pointed out my rather obvious shortcomings.

Mistress and I are trying to pursue a female led relationship but after years of previous vanilla relationships, both of us find it hard works to maintain our FLR 24/7. We were are both full focused it works well and we do have a fairly strict DD regime to help keep me in my place - but I often stray from our rules. And what is worse, I still, after several years of developing our FLR, top from the bottom and, in doing so, show a lack of respect for Mistress.

I put her under pressure to focus on our FLR, how I’d like it to develop but I actually behave like I do outside of the home – in other words; expecting everything done my way, and now!

But thankfully, both lawyer and K Rai picked up on the tone of my most recently post and were fairly critical of my attitude. My initial response was to close the blog so I wouldn’t have to confront my demons but after a lot of thought, I realized how helpful their comments were and decided I should continue because its that feedback we all yearn for when we blog and the negative comments can be more helpful than positive ones – thought I’d rather not have to face an avalanche of them!

How are the comments helping already? Yesterday we had a day off together shopping and Mistress wanted to eat at a certain place – and I didn’t. Normally I’d offer my thoughts and we would probably have tried somewhere else but I stopped myself before I opened my mouth, ate where Mistress wanted and she was happy. Likewise, shopping. I tend to go off and do my thing (which Mistress doesn’t mind) but yesterday I felt much more attentive to what she wanted to look at and we shared the experience.

It was only a couple of small things I noticed myself doing - and I hope I’ve not made it sound condescending – but I do think my awareness of my ‘attitude’ was helped by thinking about the comments made.