Tuesday, 24 July 2018

One Mistress. One Mentor

Michael M commented that ‘going off to a professional was always going to be a problem when you got back home. Two Mistresses don't work.’
I think there could some truth for some couples that it but in this case, Mistress and I discussed it fully beforehand and we think it’s worked really well because it’s sparked a three-way conversation about our DD, making Mistress and I consider carefully  where we want to be.
There’s only one Mistress, my partner, and one mentor, Lady Pandora. Two very different roles.
I’m not saying involving a mentor has solved the issues overnight but it’s clearly thrown up a lot of topics for discussion so Mistress and I are at least now discussing DD again.  Mistress is unsure she wants to continue. I’m still unsure about giving up control if we did. But we both agree DD used to add something to our lives.  If I was to give up control, Mistress may feel she can make DD work for her.
Then we have Lady Pandora taking on board what we are saying and offering meaningful advice. The great thing is that she has the experience that allows her to see where things could be improved upon to make this work and we both respect her input.
It’s a month since I saw Lady Pandora and she was right, my interest in CP dwindled after an initial flurry of excitement immediately after my punishment.
Mistress and I both noticed a marked difference in my behaviour – I was doing things around the house without even thinking of them. Nothing major, just the chores.  Was that coincidence? I certainly wasn’t thinking, ‘I must do this to keep Mistress happy.’
But there have been issues. Mistress has picked me up a few times now for being short with her or answering back – almost to the point of being rude. She wasn’t happy with me but stopped short of mentioning DD in the rebukes. This is something I’ll have to bring to the attention of Lady Pandora at my next appointment.
I have to admit I was disappointed when Mistress initially suggested our DD was over. That’s why I contacted Lady Pandora straight away for advice and she said believed that Mistress was testing me and would no doubt continue to do so for quite some time.
She said: “You have, after all, adversely impacted on her confidence and ability to make a DD element to your relationship work.  The fact that you are still fighting against submitting is definitely not helping!
“I think one of the main problems you will both have is that, whilst Mistress may have researched the subject on the internet, she has not actually discussed it with anyone who has real-life experience and is unlikely to do so as matters stand.
“It could be that she has built up unrealistic expectations (e.g. that she believed one visit to me would change everything and turn you into a meek, compliant sub, which will never happen).
Lady Pandora was at pains to point out she was in no way denigrating Mistress, just pointing out that she may have a completely different outlook than me or, perhaps, herself.
She also had a view that the brevity of my 'relief' stage this time after punishment could have been at least in part due to my unrealistic expectations that things would change immediately.
And, because things didn't work out as I had thought or hoped, she thinks perhaps I have reverted to subconsciously having my hopes fulfilled by continuing to dress in my favourite pvc wear and spending time on the internet, wrapped up in CP and DD sites. Obviously, these were issues I’d been punished for on my first visit to Lady Pandora.
She also thinks the biggest problem is having too many mixed messages floating round. “Mistress says she has no interest in resurrecting a DD element, then complains that you are not being compliant, etc,” she says. “You promised me you would give things time and would demonstrate (prove) your willingness to submit, comply, etc. and yet you have not.”
The second comment made me cringe when I realised my folly. I know it is something else Lady Pandora will want to speak about on my next appointment.
She adds: “You say you want a DD element and yet you are not willing to give up control; indeed, you say you fear it.”
She’s right of course. I am worried that if any kind of  ‘power exchange’ does take place, it impinge on our relationship as a whole.
My problem is that I naturally lack self-confidence and I realise now that my real fear has always been that what little confidence I do have will get knocked back if I submitted fully to Mistress.
My common sense tells me the two aren’t connected. The little devil in my head keeps saying the opposite.
I also realise I’ve been wanting to have my cake and eat it but know that I may have to give up some of my ‘vanilla’ pursuits is Mistress takes real control.  I’m sure the argument is that if DD is what we both aspire to then we should both accept any changes it may bring. Which brings me neatly around to Lady Pandora’s conclusion.

“You both need to sit down and be honest with each other but, before you do, you need to work out whether this is something you actually need in your life or whether it is a fantasy,” says Lady Pandora. “Both of you have a lot of work to do if this is something you wish to make real and neither of you are communicating honestly, which is only going to lead to disappointment.”

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Under scrutiny

I can’t thank Lady Pandora enough for the time she gave me recently when I saw for my first mentoring session. It was a liberating, if sometimes humbling, experience to be able to talk openly about things I’ve never spoken about with anyone else.
Humbling, because it made me ever more aware of my shortcomings in the DD side of my relationship with Mistress. It’s strange, you know the issues but you tend to tuck them away and try to ignore them - but it’s only when someone confronts you about them and you are encouraged to explain them that you realise the hurt I’ve caused.
The punishment session was an intense experience and it was only through Lady Pandora’s care and encouragement that I was able to get through it.
I don’t recall any punishment I’ve had that was so painful and, as I said before, I’d have stopped Mistress at the first six if I’d been at home. That was one of the issues in our DD – Mistress lacked the experience to know how to handle such situations and would stop a punishment if I made too much fuss, thus damaging her confidence.
Stopping wasn’t an option with Lady Pandora and she certainly never once let up in the application of the cane, but she did encourage me to breath properly to retain control, soak up the pain and think about why I was over her bench.
Despite the pain the punishment was exactly what was needed: one, to indulge in that need, but two, it felt very, very real and pushed me way beyond what I thought possible.
I think the thing that carried me through was total trust Lady Pandora. I knew that no matter how hard the strokes were, there was no chance of her causing me any lasting damage. With that knowledge I was able to focus on the punishment itself and despite the intense pain it was the kind of punishment I knew I needed to experience, where every stroke tested my resolve. 
The weirdest experience was a feeling of disappointment when the final six strokes with the Judicial cane were over. Even though they were the hardest, most horrible cane strokes I can ever remember experiencing, I wanted more.
I later asked Lady Pandora about that and she said: “You wanted more because your body was craving more endorphins: to get them, you need to receive more pain, if that makes sense?  This is why it is so vitally important that you are careful with whom you ‘play’ at that level - you need to be certain the Disciplinarian can tell when you are spacing and will stop rather than just carry on.”  
Post punishment I felt much more relaxed – de-stressed – than I felt before. I didn’t feel that urge to dress up, surf the net or relieve myself. But Mistress wasn’t convinced it had much effect on my attitude.
 The one thing I was grappling with before seeing Lady Pandora was whether I wanted to indulge in CP to fulfill my need or whether I was being punished for the issues I’ve caused in our DD.
 I think seeing her proved it was a bit of both. Yes, I had a need for CP – the frustrations had built over a period of weeks - but without real faults for atone for, the CP would have been meaningless. When Lady Pandora interspersed cane strokes with a reminder of the issues I’d caused at home, it gave legitimacy to the punishment. I think that’s made it ‘real’.
Mistress rang me for a brief chat in the afternoon after my punishment session to find out how I got on and I explained briefly that Lady Pandora said I needed to do a lot of work to get our DD relationship back on track. She laughed and said ‘that won’t happen…’
 As I was away overnight on business, we text each other in the evening about bits and bobs and I replied ‘Yes Mistress’  - when we were alone. I was required to call her Mistress all the time at the height of our DD. On this occasion she laughed replied ‘You won’t keep that up for long.’
Once home later the next day I had to present my bottom to Mistress for inspection. She was really impressed with Lady Pandora’s accuracy and the thick welts across my bottom..
 ‘Oh well, you won’t be making the effort to go back to seeing her will you…?’
 ‘I don’t think that’s my choice from now on,’ I replied.
“Good, that’s what I wanted to hear,’ she said, and then added: ‘You know what you have to do this morning?’
 I said, ‘no Mistress.’
 ‘You have to clean the toilet today. And you will meet me at 10.30 in town for coffee. Don’t be late.’
Mistress went off very early to meet a friend for breakfast. Needless to say, I met her on time as instructed.
The first question when we met up was: ‘Did you clean the toilet before you came out?’
‘I was going to do it this afternoon after gym.’
‘No, when I tell you to do something I expect it done straightaway, not when you feel like it. It seems you learned nothing at Lady Pandora’s yesterday.’
That afternoon the toilet was cleaned. Then I emailed Lady Pandora firstly to thank her for dealing with me and secondly to relate Mistress’ initial reaction.
She wasn’t too impressed with some of the things I told her and said: “If you truly want Mistress to resume the DD part with you, then you will need to understand that she will doubt and test you for quite some time.  You also have to convince her that you are willing to change and that you are sincere.  Leaving the loo cleaning until after the gym is not the way to convince her that a DD element to your relationship is worth her while pursuing - you have, after all, let her down often.
“You need to prove your commitment and your worthiness over a prolonged period of time; think of this as your very last chance (which it is) and start proving to both Mistress and me that you really want this.”
But she added: “You should find that your 'interest' vastly reduces for a while.  As time goes on, you will find you are spending longer dressing, going online, etc.  When this becomes obsessive, it is time for another session.  You do need to keep this to about every three months - or longer if you want to.  You definitely have a need for CP as well as a desire for DD (I won't say a need at this point) and you will have to address your need in order to retain the status quo. 
 “I am here any time that you want to talk or discuss anything and my offer to help Mistress stands too.
“Keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on, but be prepared for me to be honest with you if I feel you have slipped in any way. And if there’s no improvement at all, those 54 cane strokes you felt today will next time come from the Judicial cane.”
Despite that harrowing thought, only two weeks have passed since my appointment and already I’ve had to email Lady Pandora with an update.
Mistress and I spent some time discussing DD and she is now of the opinion things on that front have run their course because she says that when I go for punishment and come back as if nothing has happened. I still question her, argue with her and show no signs of given up control.
She says they only noticeable difference in my behaviour is that I'm a bit subdued for a few days and a bit less stressed but otherwise nothing changes.
Her opinion is that I should continue to see Lady Pandora as and when the need arises. She is of the opinion there is a need there and it's important for it to be dealt with.
However she's no longer too keen on the idea of DD, which I found really disappointing.
I know it was my stupid fault it all fell apart  but I was hoping that  being mentored by someone as experienced as Lady Pandora would benefit the both of us and, even if Mistress didn’t deal with the actual corrective process,  it would work well enough if she reclaimed her old authority.
I think DD added a buzz to our relationship - which Mistress agrees with - but is that the wrong reason to want to pick up our old ways?  I also like her authoritative attitude and I enjoy submitting to her but as I said to her, I worry about the submission and the giving up of control will affect my own self confidence.
I wonder if I’m just panicking and need to give this more time or is she right and DD is played out and I should accept that.
Lady Pandora told me it would take time and I was prepared for that but I wasn't quite prepared for quite such a rejection from 'Mistress'.
The other thing I've noticed is this time the post-punishment effect of diminished interest in the subject and the dressing up, and relief from both, has not been as marked as in the past. In fact hardly at all.
I’m wondering if this could be something to do with  the fact that I'm overly keen of getting things sorted in a positive way and that's fuelling my interests?

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Mentoring and Punishment

I am now officially being mentored by an expert female disciplinarian and psychologist, in a bid to get our domestic discipline regime back up and running at home with Mistress.

My first appointment with Lady Pandora on Monday was a humbling yet liberating experience and, surprisingly, has already had a positive effect on my domestic discipline relationship at home with Mistress.

As I explained in an earlier post, Lady Pandora has agreed to mentor me after my domestic discipline relationship with Mistress (my partner) was brought to an end by my refusing to obey Mistress’ authority at all times. There’s nothing wrong with  ‘vanilla’ side of our relationship but we both miss the frisson of domestic discipline but can’t seem to get it back on track. So is aim is to understand why things went off the rails and put measures in to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

I’d seen Lady Pandora a couple of times for punishment many years ago (prior to my relationship with Mistress) and knew I could trust her implicitly to deal with our issues in a positive, professional manner. As well as being an expert corporal punishment practitioner, she’s also trained in psychology so I knew she could not only get to the bottom of our issues (sorry about that terrible pun) but also offer a positive long-term solution to our issues.

I desperately wanted to see if Lady Pandora could unravel whether I was simply using the problems I’d caused in our domestic discipline regime as an excuse to indulge in corporal punishment OR, I really do want a domestic discipline regime at home and needed to be punished for causing problems.

I’ve always felt it’s an excuse to indulge because it always feels like a bit like we’re role-playing at domestic discipline. But when I stop and think about the positive benefits of it, like no rows, no sulks, keeping me focused, Mistress and I have both seen real benefits.

So after our discussing Lady Pandora and I both concluded it was a bit of both - clearly a need in me to experience some form of CP but I think Lady Pandora’s ‘interrogation’ proved that having some kind of domestic discipline at home is also an important part of my relationship with Mistress, not only for me but also for Mistress.

Lady Pandora conducted a lengthy interview with me in her house to find out the background to my interest in CP and fetish wear etc, which in itself was quite an intense discussion, with me revealing things I’ve never ever talked about with anyone before.

Then she interrogated me about my misbehavior at home and my refusal to accept domestic discipline. Things became even more difficult for me to cope with as Lady Pandora became more and more vociferous in her view that I’d had a lot of work to do to put things right – and she would be making sure things were put right and DD would be restored in our home.

This was no role play but a mix of counseling, psychology and a stern disciplinarian putting me in my place. I felt humiliation and regret but also fear of what was to come.

Then Lady Pandora told me to get changed into my regular punishment uniform that I used to wear at home, plastic pants, pvc mackintosh jacket and pvc knee boots and I was led out of the house, into the garden to the punishment room.

In there she stood in front of me and asked me why I was there and I explained that I had caused a lot of upset in my relationship by refusing to accept Mistress’ authority and punishment.

With that Lady Pandora told me to get on the black Fetters bench because I needed to be punished for all the issues I’d caused at home. I was fastened securely down and then she pulled my plastic pants down. I’d had to keep my mackintosh and boots on.

The bench keeps you perfectly still. There’s no option to writhe around and there’s a thick, wide protective pad that sits across your lower spine. You know whatever happens you are 100% safe from miss-hits. Having that knowledge helps you focus purely on the punishment itself.

I had no idea how many strokes I was to receive or what instruments she would use but my heart was pounding because it was obvious she was very displeased with me so I knew it was going to be a painful experience.

She then said, ‘The punishment will be in sets of six and I felt her tap the cane against my bottom.”

I was shocked how much the first stroke hurt. Normally I don’t feel the real pain until three of four but this hurt a lot. A really heavy, thuddy sting so I knew she was using some kind of Dragon cane.

By five strokes I was becoming vocal and, if I’m honest, I was close to asking her to stop. Lady Pandora canes so hard – harder than anyone I’ve experienced but somehow I resisted asking her to stop and the punishment continued. At 12 she reminded me why I was being punished.

I had 24 strokes with that cane and at some point Lady Pandora said, “It’s been a while hasn’t it?” She could tell how much I was struggling to take them and constantly reminded me to breath deep and slow.

That’s the thing about Lady Pandora, she cares absolutely for those in her charge. Yes, she doesn’t mess about administering the cane but everything she does is done with safety in mind.

At 24 she changed the cane and I got another lecture on the error of my ways.  This next cane was heavier. Oh my goodness it hurt so much. 12 more strokes. My eyes were moist but I wasn’t actually crying, though I do recall many pathetic wimpers.

At 36 she bent down and told me I’d done well and asked me if my bottom had gone numb. I replied I wasn’t sure because every stroke hurt so much. I was relieved it was all over and relaxed for a split second. I thanked her for punishing me but then she said, “Oh it’s not over yet, there’s a long way to go.”

I was devastated and felt like crying. I didn’t think I could take any more. She ran her fingers over the welts. “A little bit numb maybe, let see if we can wake that bottom up a little.”

The first stroke with this fresh cane had me yelp. It had the same deep thud and the previous cane but the initial sting was incredibly intense. I had 12 like this and they really, really hurt. I could take the thud but this was the most intense 12 strokes I’d ever had – or so I thought.

Then Lady Pandora bent down again and whispered: “You’ve had 48 strokes of the cane and you’ve taken them well but I want you to do one more thing for me. I want you to take a final six strokes but these will really hurt you. Will you do this?”

“Yes ma’am,” I replied without even considering there would be an option.

“Good. I want you to take them stoically because if there is, you will get the stroke again. Do you understand?’

“Yes ma’am.”

The first stroke was the hardest, most fearsome cane stroke I can ever recall. The sheer thud shocked me to the core and the sting was like a red hot poker, not just through my poor bottom, but my entire body. I remember what she said about being stoic and breathed as slowly and deeply as I could to control the pain.

I had to take five more of those? I had no choice.  I managed to maintain my slow breathing throughout and somehow soaked up the agony. I later discovered the cane she used for the final six was the same, long thick cane she uses for Judicial canings.

When the punishment was over Lady Pandora unbuckled my wrists first and they fell limp by my side. I was utterly exhausted after what had been the most incredibly painful, intense session of corporal punishment I’ve ever experienced.

After a few minutes lying on the bench, Lady Pandora invited me back to the house for a cup of tea and a chat. It was more convivial then the earlier discussion but she kept reminding that I would go home and be much more respectful to Mistress and more accepting of her authority.

The rules are that I must now send a regular monthly update of the progress made at home and I will report to Lady Pandora when Mistress and her deem it necessary for me to be punished. It’s now no longer my choice.

She warned me that if there is no progress at all to report, then the next time I visit all the cane strokes will be delivered with the Judicial cane – which is a pretty scary threat to have hanging over me.

The weird thing is that since I’ve been back home, Mistress has instinctively started laying down the law, telling me to get the toilet and bathroom cleaned, telling me to do the dishes, ordering me to meet her for coffee at 10.30am sharp.

It seems this punishment session with Lady Pandora has unlocked the inner Mistress in her. Lady Pandora will be delighted.

The frightening thing for me, after this experience over Lady Pandora’s bench and Mistress suddenly feeling authoritative again, it won’t matter how well I behave, part of this mentoring process include corporal punishment.

I can’t see Mistress being to keen on dealing with me, not for a while anyway – so as night follows days, I know not matter how well I behave there will be cause for correction and that means only one thing: at some point in the near future I’ll be over Lady Pandora’s bench again suffering a similar intense thrashing. 

The difference next time that I’ll be much more scared when I arrive at Lady Pandora’s house because I’ll know exactly what is coming.

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Final thoughts before discipline

My first appointment with my Lady mentor is 11.00am tomorrow. I’ve been trying to come up with excuses to email her to explain why I won’t be going. But I realise I’ve no option but to go.
To not bother now would be to let her down when she’s reserved time for me. I’d also be letting Mistress down and it would be against the entire premise of the appointment.
I am really worried about the visit, not so much the likelihood of corporal punishment - though that's fearful enough - but the fact that there is likely to be quite an intensive ‘discussion’ and I’m sure how I’ll cope with that.
I’m not one for ‘opening up’ and bearing my soul - not face to face anyway - but I don’t think I’ll have any choice in what could become a very humbling experience.
My on line friend ‘J’ and I both have similar interests in CP and email each other about our experiences. As I said to him (and eluded to in my previous post), given my fascination with CP from an early age, my issue is whether I really do want to play what I think is a naturally submissive role to my partner and accept her discipline as a real element in our relationship or, whether I use my natural faults of being a bit lazy, a bit argumentative, a bit overbearing and enjoying dressing up in pvc, as an excuse to indulge in CP games.
I've asked myself this question over and over and I'm not sure. Mistress and I have discussed it many times with no conclusion. I think it's a bit of both. I really do feel something special for Mistress when she's in control and I like to submit to her rules……but I just can't let myself go and give 100% 24/7 in that role.
If it is the former then obviously it makes sense to reach a point where Mistress and I are both happy to restore our old domestic discipline regime - or Mistress is happy for my to continue to be dealt with by a third party. Those appointments would then be driven by her and the disciplinarian. If it's the latter, and it's purely to indulge in CP, then I can continue to see someone for regular 'role play' style appointments.
Mistress is happy to accept however it turns out but if it's the former she's told me to be aware I'll have a set of strict rules to live by again – and I’d have to accept I no longer had any control.
The most important factor in all this is that I've agreed with Mistress and the Lady disciplinarian that whatever decision is reached on Monday I have to abide by it.
If she says I must report to her on a regular basis for mentoring, I have to do it. If she says I must ask Mistress to resume DD, I have to live by that too. If she says I'm purely indulging myself then I can do that too if Mistress agrees. The important thing is that I do genuinely trust the Lady in question to get to the bottom of the whole matter (sorry about the pun) and give me some direction! Whether I like the direction or not I have to accept it.
Having written all this, it's made me realise what I'm getting myself into and I’m only a few hours away from standing there, trembling in front of the most authoritative Lady I know.

I know only too well how strict the Lady can be and how severe her punishments are but I also know that the worst experience will be standing there being interrogated. I think tomorrow is going to be quite a humbling experience having to bare my soul - as well, probably, as my bottom.