Monday, 6 October 2014

The Pledge document


You may recall that in the last blog update I was required by Mistress to draw up a Pledge to her. Once agreed and signed this is the last chance to make me more complaint with Mistress’ rules. If I don’t stick to it as we have agreed, Mistress will no longer entertain the idea of DD in the house because it is unworkable without my compliance.

The delay in finalizing the Pledge is down purely to outside work-related influences (not all on my side I must add).

However, we have discussed the fine detail and Mistress is happy with the content. It’s now down to giving them the final once over together and signing them in the presence of each other. Then there really is no going back.


MY PLEDGE TO MISTRESS


My Darling Mistress,

I pledge my submission to your authority

I pledge never to say no to any request you make

I pledge to accept that your direction is always right

I pledge that I will never question you

I pledge to serve you and obey your instructions to the best of my ability

I pledge to refer to you as ‘Mistress’ at all times, except in public settings where such behavior would attract undue attention

I pledge to maintain a submissive demeanor at all times, except in public settings where such behavior would attract undue attention

I pledge to accept any punishment - corporal or other - in full, without question or complaint

I pledge to reserve the right to cry, scream, whimper or beg during punishment but accept this will not affect nor stop said punishment

I pledge I will never try to pressure you or control you in our DD relationship

I pledge not to orgasm without your permission

I pledge to always ask permission for any personal leisure time activity.

I pledge to show you respect at all times and treat our DD relationship with total commitment and consistency

I pledge to respect this document to the best of my ability

Yours always, and with love

g


*These pledges are made in good faith and with good intention to live by them but they are also made in the knowledge that outside influences may prevent 100% commitment at certain times


Friday, 19 September 2014

Pledge submission


In bed one evening earlier this week Mistress brought up the subject of our ever-faltering DD regime.
“I think we need to address your lack of discipline,” she announced as we snuggled up together.

“What have I done wrong now,” I asked as casually as I could as my heartbeat went wild, in shock from the sudden switch to DD discussion.

“I’m getting a bit fed up with your arrogant attitude,” came the rather curt response.

“Well you have the solution, ‘Mistress’,” I offered. “I thought we agreed that you have the right to punish me as and when you see fit.”

I put emphasis on the word Mistress when I obviously didn’t need to. It sounded sarcastic.

“I’d be careful how you talk to me,” she said. “We did agree that, but each time I try to implement our agreement, you come up with excuses.”

That’s not fair,” I protested. “I’ve had a bad back but I told you when I was all clear from seeing the physiotherapist. I was almost expecting discipline to return straight away – especially after our little argument last weekend - but I didn’t want to ‘top from the bottom, by requesting it!”

I knew I wasn’t dealing with this sudden change in Mistress’ mood too well.

“You are always making excuses. And when I do punish you, all I get is your whimpering and begging for me to stop. You know how that affects me and I think you use it to get off lightly.”

“Ignore it,” I suggested, adopting a rather curt response.

Mistress however was calmness personified – while obviously in a determined mood. “Well I’m fed up with your attitude towards discipline,” she said. “So this is what I propose: You are going to prepare a document in which you pledge to accept my punishment without question and sign to the effect that no matter how much you moan and beg, you agree to accept the punishment if full. And state that the only escape from punishment is on medical grounds. Is that clear?”

That took me aback. I lie there for a while contemplating what she had said but then began to try and understand the significance of the document Mistress was requiring.

“What you say is perfectly clear Mistress and I want to be a well behaved submissive – but why do you think this pledge will work where other agreements and rules have failed? What happens if, as in the past, I refuse punishment or start begging?”

“I shall keep a signed copy of the pledge and, if you refuse my instructions, I will order you to read it and then you comply with it.”

“But I could still refuse to comply? What’s different?”

“What’s different boy,” she said with blood-curdling emphasis on the word ‘boy’, “is that I am no longer prepared to back down.”

I quailed at the level of venom in that one statement. She never spoke with such authority.
I meekly responded: “Can I ask what has made you take this view now?”

“Your arrogance,’ came the swift reply. “That’s the only word for the way you behave.  I can see a gradual change in your attitude every time I am lenient with you. After you are punished you are very servile. It lasts a short time before you start reverting to your normal self and then you quickly become selfish and opinionated again. You totally ignore my needs and our rules. It’s all about you isn’t it? So the only word to describe your attitude is arrogance.”

And she wasn’t finished. “Sometimes it’s weeks before you lapse, but more often that not it is only days. And I’ve reached a point where I can see that while you may be a grown man, an aging grown man who should know better, you behave more like a little boy at time. And just like a little boy, a good dose of corporal punishment is the only real way to get your attention.”

How could I argue when I knew she was so right?

“But please Mistress, I don’t understand fully what you require of me to say in this so called ‘pledge’.
“It’s exactly as I said. You will pledge to accept my authority and my discipline at all times. You will pledge to think of me and my needs and how you can best serve them. You will pledge not to question me or my methods. And you will also pledge to take punishment without a fuss, with no begging or or whining. And once you have signed up to that pledge there will be absolutely no going back.”

Phew. This was far removed from the easy-going Mistress I knew. I found her steely determination and detached attitude rather frightening.

“What if I don’t sign this ‘pledge’?

“You will. I know what makes you tick and we both know you need a certain amount of discipline. Your ‘need’ is a little caning when you have a mood for it. What I need from you is to be better behaved and more aware of my needs. Start showing me respect and then there will be no need for the cane.

“The difference with the pledge is that in future you will get my discipline, not the discipline you fantasise about.” she said. “But if you decided not to pledge your submission, then we’ll have to call a halt our DD relationship. I’ve threatened you many times but this really is your last chance.”

“Is that what you would like to happen Mistress?”

“Not at all. I think you need the discipline to keep you on the straight and narrow. And I wouldn’t want to leave your arrogance left unchecked. But you need to serve me. So I want that to see that pledge. You have until Sunday night to give it some serious consideration.”



We left the discussion there but I didn’t sleep well and the conversation has worried me since – not helped by Mistress asking me several times how my ‘pledge’ document is coming along.

I’ve written it to Mistress’ orders but I keep reading it, tweaking it, re-reading it – wondering if can possibly live up to it. I want to, make no mistake. When Mistress lectured me in bed it made me realized just what a pig I can be – and yes, I’d like to be a better person. But, as she says, too easily I slip into my normal selfish ways.

I think the issue for sometime now – apart from my failings - is that I’ve tried to aim for something that’s not workable. It’s been geared around my fantasy and not reality. I know I’ve tried to steer things too much but now Mistress seems like she really wants total control and, despite my misgivings about my ability to cope with that, I feel like I really want to embrace everything she has said – and move on.

I’m scared to death by the prospect because I know there are those times when I really might not want to be ordered around or punished but to make it a successful and meaningful DD relationship I know it is only in those times that it will be possible to gauge if my submission is truly real.

I also know that after several days, weeks maybe, months even, I may suddenly rebel and want the freedom to do what I want, when I want and how I want without having to request permission. Hardly a model submissive. Hardly a submissive at all. But what if I can overcome my natural instincts and please Mistress.

I know there be many of you reading this wondering why I am agonizing over the pledge – it’s a submissive’s dream, after all. But the thought of Mistress taking complete control like this is more daunting than I ever could have imagined. But it’s taken that conversation and Mistress’ frank observation of my character traits to finally make me realize I’ve been playing at DD all this time.

But I know how I feel after several days of strict discipline. I don’t just mean being caned on a regular basis – which is bad enough - but being the well-behaved submissive for days of end is really taxing. And Mistress really has adopted this no-nonsense air that really is unsettling me.

But I know she is also perfectly right. And I think she’s finally unlocked the deep desire in me to make this work. I’m wildly surprised how keen Mistress is for it to work too. If I can show half the commitment Mistress has, then  everything should work well.

The deadline for submission of my pledge document is Sunday. We’ll have an inkling of what the future might have in store then.

Friday, 1 August 2014

Confronting the demons


Writing a blog can be a joyous, liberating exercise. It allows you to express your inner thoughts (in my case not very eloquently) and reap the fruits of one’s labours when positive comments flow in.

But that happens when the negative is anything but positive and is really very critical of one’s self? It’s not a nice feeling at all and, after the adverse comments from lawyer and K Rai to my most recent post, I wondered whether it was worth continuing – especially as both of them pointed out my rather obvious shortcomings.

Mistress and I are trying to pursue a female led relationship but after years of previous vanilla relationships, both of us find it hard works to maintain our FLR 24/7. We were are both full focused it works well and we do have a fairly strict DD regime to help keep me in my place - but I often stray from our rules. And what is worse, I still, after several years of developing our FLR, top from the bottom and, in doing so, show a lack of respect for Mistress.

I put her under pressure to focus on our FLR, how I’d like it to develop but I actually behave like I do outside of the home – in other words; expecting everything done my way, and now!

But thankfully, both lawyer and K Rai picked up on the tone of my most recently post and were fairly critical of my attitude. My initial response was to close the blog so I wouldn’t have to confront my demons but after a lot of thought, I realized how helpful their comments were and decided I should continue because its that feedback we all yearn for when we blog and the negative comments can be more helpful than positive ones – thought I’d rather not have to face an avalanche of them!

How are the comments helping already? Yesterday we had a day off together shopping and Mistress wanted to eat at a certain place – and I didn’t. Normally I’d offer my thoughts and we would probably have tried somewhere else but I stopped myself before I opened my mouth, ate where Mistress wanted and she was happy. Likewise, shopping. I tend to go off and do my thing (which Mistress doesn’t mind) but yesterday I felt much more attentive to what she wanted to look at and we shared the experience.

It was only a couple of small things I noticed myself doing - and I hope I’ve not made it sound condescending – but I do think my awareness of my ‘attitude’ was helped by thinking about the comments made. 

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Strict discipline


There’s been a fair amount of tension in the house these past few days.

We’ve both been very busy workwise and with little time to focus on DD, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been less than the perfect submissive for quite a while now.

Mistress has been threatening to punish me for over a week but on each occasion time has been set aside, something else has reared its head.

As a result, I’ve been getting more and more bitchy towards Mistress. I pick up on the little things that annoy me – the ones that usually float over me – and then dig at her about them.

I know it’s wrong but it’s not something I deliberately do. Each occasion I tell myself it’s wrong and not to do it again – but the next time I moan and dig just the same.

On the one hand I now avoid the cane at all costs yet when I’m threatened with it, and then it doesn’t happen, I get a deep feeling of frustration – and that seems to manifest itself in my bitchy comments aimed at Mistress.

Mistress finally had enough tonight and told me to fetch the cane. She also instructed me to set up our new caning bench – a footstool and a bar stool which, tied together, with me strapped down in a kneeling position, means there’s no chance of me moving around to escape the cane strokes – and my bottom is at a perfect height for Mistress to use the cane at full force.

I placed both of our Dragon canes by the bench and watched as Mistress picked up the thin one and stood flexing it.

“So, do you know why I am going to cane you tonight?”

“Because I’ve been disrespectful to you Mistress for several days.”

“You have, very much so. And that disappointments me. It means that we will have to go through the same painful training process yet again. Bend over the bench.”

As Mistress tightened the strap round my legs and then fastened my wrists, I could feel myself breathing heavier and heavier through my nose. I kept telling myself to be brave, don’t make a fuss, and how much this was really deserved.

As usual my resolve was a pathetic failure and within three strokes I was making a fuss.

There was no doubt Mistress was caning me hard – harder than at any time I can remember. But I say this every time.

I began begging for it to stop – and heard myself say, “please Mistress, I can’t take anymore.”

With that she threw the cane down, undid my wrists and told me to pack things away.

I did as I was told and then she summons me to stand in front of her, while she lounged in the leather armchair.

“You are an absolute wimp,” she said. “I expect a bit more restraint from you during punishment. You always said you wanted to be punished like a man – yet you always behave like a child. I think we’re going to need a long, painful training programme so we don’t get this pathetic fuss each time I have to discipline you.

“Yes Mistress.”

I was told to get tea and waved away.

I felt terrible – because deep down, no matter how hard those 12 strokes of the cane were, it wasn’t the punishment I knew I really deserved.

The dilemma Mistress has is that she still finds it difficult to ignore my pleading, because it’s not totally natural for her to play this dominant role. We are both still learning about DD after all.

My belief is that she wouldn’t be quite so worried about hurting me, if we lived in a nice detached house and no one would be able to overhear my pleading. As it is, we constantly worry that the neighbors will hear our sessions of correction.

After tea we discussed the issues at length. Firstly we covered my bitchiness leading up to tonight’s punishment and then we discussed the aborted punishment. The conclusion was that we needed to work together to maintain DD – and I have to accept my punishment with less fuss – in fact no fuss.
Mistress said: “I expect you to take the cane in silence. You are a man. Behave like one.  

“I suggest when you blog about tonight you ask your other submissive friends how they are trained to take their punishment. I’m sure their Mistresses don’t have to put up with the sort of  fuss like you create. You really are such a wimp.”

I agreed I would try to canvas opinion but that we are all different and some men take a beating better than others. Deep down I felt very embarrassed.

I suggested that in future Mistress ignores my pleas and punishes me as she feels fit and doesn’t let me off lightly. But I also said I would try harder – and admitted finally, I was embarrassed by my lack of self control.

I explained that I needed her to be strict with me otherwise there would be no deterrent effect. But I added that she was caning me particularly hard earlier.

Mistress suddenly turned on me again and said, for the umpteenth time that evening: “You are an absolute wimp. I was caning you hard but I could cane a lot harder.”

Stupidly I grinned – but it was a disdainful, ‘whatever you say Mistress’ grin.

Mistress picked up on it straight away. “In that case, you can set up the bench and I will show you just how hard I can really cane. Then perhaps you will show me some proper respect. Do it now.”

I wasted no time doing what I was told. On the one had it felt like justice was about to be done. On the other I was dreading it as I pulled the two Dragon canes back out of the wardrobe. But I told myself there was no way Mistress was going to cane me as hard as she had done earlier. Not at this late hour. What about the neighbors? I was wrong.

As I was fastened to the bench, I was desperate to stay in control and set my lips as tight as I could. I could hear heavy breathing through my nose and then the cane lashed down.

I was a biting, stinging, horrible punishment – far worse than earlier. With no respite between strokes to recover. But I made no noise.

Instead I could feel every emotion being transmitted through my body. I could feel my battered bottom shaking between strokes, my legs and feet were wriggling, my chest convulsing. But I didn’t not cry out.

My lips were trembling and distorting. I felt close to bursting into tears. I wanted to let go and weep. But something inside stopped me.

After 24 horrendous strokes, Mistress ordered me to kneel before her again. She lectured me again on my behavior, what she expected of me and warned me, she still hadn’t used the cane at 100%.
She asked me to explain my emotions now that I had been properly punished.

As you know, I’ve always struggled to explain my innermost emotions in written form and it’s even worse trying to explain face to face with Mistress.

I said this and was met with, “you are quick enough to blog your thought to your ‘friends’. Tell me.”
I explained about the frustrations building up and how my bitchy behavior emerges. And how it’s so hard to control – even when I know I’m doing wrong.

I explained that just because I’m pleading for the cane to stop – doesn’t mean it should. That Mistress should just focus on punishing me as she sees fit – and see it through to the bitter end.

And I explained how emotional I felt in the second session, how actually forcing myself to remain silent focused on my bad behavior, how badly I felt about hurting her – and how I needed the punishment to cleanse the bad feelings inside.

It sounds muddled but I think Mistress understood what I was trying to say. I’m just worried now how tonight’s experiences are going to affect our DD regime in the future. But how ever Mistress wants to take it forward, I can only be guided by her authority.